Author Topic: Notes - Horror/Thriller - 1 page  (Read 2299 times)

Offline storyteller16

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Notes - Horror/Thriller - 1 page
« on: November 20, 2010, 11:51:14 PM »
Here's the opening scene of my short film, Notes, about a serial killer (Arthur) and the young woman he stalks (Tanya) via post-it note. Tell me what you think! Sorry about the formatting.

INT. TANYA'S APARTMENT - MORNING

FADE IN.

TANYA sits at her workbench, just starting to cut into a piece of wood. Her phone sits on the table next to her. The TV is on. It's a news channel.

The screen is showing video of a crime scene outside an apartment building. A dead woman is lying on the ground.

ARTHUR is among the investigators, wearing a FORENSICS uniform. He stands off to the side, staring at the body.

ANCHOR (V.O.)

Our next story comes from Austin, Texas,
where police are investigating the death
of Janet Parker, age 22. She was found
dead outside her apartment yesterday
evening from a knife wound to the throat.
Police now believe that this was the work
of a new serial killer, based on a series of
post-it notes found in her home. The police
believe these notes were left one by one
over the last few days leading up to her death.

TANYA continues carving absentmindedly, but her attention is focused on the TV.

ANCHOR (V.O.)

The suspect is believed to be a Caucasian male, 30-40 years old.
He most likely lives alone, and stalks his victims before killing them.
Police are cautioning young women who live alone to take precautions.
Lock doors and windows, close blinds at night. Call 911 if you see any
suspicious activity.

An alarm goes off on TANYA's cell phone.

TANYA
(sighing)

Time for work.
Christian, actress, director, writer, nerd. Author of two self-published short story ebooks, check them out @ http://www.katie-young.com/ebooks.htm

WIP: Flash, the story of a woman able to see the future and desperate to prove her vision wrong.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Notes - Horror/Thriller - 1 page
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2010, 02:47:05 PM »
Hi - I'm not a specialist, just a nosey who pops in from time to time.

Don't know if it's relevant but when you set the scene - you say she cuts into a piece of wood - what type of tool does she use [could it be the same one that is slitting throats at the mo'?]

The dead woman lying on the ground...we suspect what? Is she in a pool of blood/vomit, have there been signs of struggle - if so what? If not, say so.

So the opening is two scenes really - the interior and the outside of the window...which one do we get to see first?

The anchor's VO - rather than say 'cautioning' with precaution [sounds clumsy...what about 'advising/warning?]

As I declared, I don't know what I'm on about in here - just what my eyes saw.

Offline storyteller16

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Re: Notes - Horror/Thriller - 1 page
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2010, 09:01:19 PM »
Thanks!!

I'll definitely change the anchor's line, that does sound better :D

Her carving knife isn't related to the killings. The wood carving is just to establish that part of her character. She carves wooden figures and sells them in her shop.
The body is shown on the TV, as footage on the news. The idea is to film that first, then play the footage on an actual TV in the scene.

Christian, actress, director, writer, nerd. Author of two self-published short story ebooks, check them out @ http://www.katie-young.com/ebooks.htm

WIP: Flash, the story of a woman able to see the future and desperate to prove her vision wrong.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Notes - Horror/Thriller - 1 page
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2010, 09:46:14 PM »
Thanks!!

Her carving knife isn't related to the killings. The wood carving is just to establish that part of her character. She carves wooden figures and sells them in her shop.
The body is shown on the TV, as footage on the news. The idea is to film that first, then play the footage on an actual TV in the scene.



Okay - so you need to make that TV part clearer in your 'instructions' I'm so sorry I don't know the terminology - you must think I'm a prize twerp.

Say that it's a carving knife/tool she is using [props people like a bit of clarity]

Offline storyteller16

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Re: Notes - Horror/Thriller - 1 page
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2010, 10:17:43 PM »
Thanks, I'll do that :D
Christian, actress, director, writer, nerd. Author of two self-published short story ebooks, check them out @ http://www.katie-young.com/ebooks.htm

WIP: Flash, the story of a woman able to see the future and desperate to prove her vision wrong.

Offline irallan

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Re: Notes - Horror/Thriller - 1 page
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2010, 09:30:52 AM »
HI I agre with Siobhan in needing more clarity as to why and awhat she is doing with a knife. I am not knowledgeable on tv formatting nor the required detail in setup. Do lkike the premise of the serial killer and post it notes and will be keen to see how you develop this. Liked it and was pretty clear so far.

Regards...Iain
"You can take the boy out of the country...."