Journey to Klieo - Fantasy/ Action/ Adventure

[arcadeus]

Please read and comment on my screenplay.

Summary: When her sister is kidnapped by a vicious empire from an alternate universe, Stephanie Sullivan must get her back. She finds herself on a journey through a world she’s only seen in her dreams. A world populated by mythical creatures from all walks of life existing in a place that has evolved with time and entered a modern age very different from the medieval-like periods these creatures are commonly associated with on Earth. In her tireless race to rescue her sister, Stephanie will learn to embrace her rivals, fight for her life, and trust in the healing power of God’s love.

The link to the screenplay is a PDF file you can find below.

[510bhan]

HI - only the summary so far? Okay...

She finds herself on a journey through a world she’s only seen in her dreams. A world populated by mythical creatures from all walks of life existing in a place that has evolved with time and entered a modern age very different from the medieval-like periods these creatures are commonly associated with on Earth.

The second sentence belongs with the first but then it would be an awfully long sentence. It needs broken up and expressed more tightly. 1. I don't think you need to say from all walks of life because as you haven't specified any particular realm -- we can take that as read. 2. Everything evolves with time. 3. Modern age - do you mean the present, the 21st century? 4.You have made an assumption that your readers are going to associate the mythical creatures with some sort of mediaeval-like period [this is also ambiguous, actually it is unclear, what sort of mediaeval mythical creatures?] commonly associated with on Earth. 5. Is the world where she finds herself not Earth?

So to fix this you have to be more specific in your description of time and place, be precise about the location and succinct in its description so that the reader of the summary can picture this -- actually visualise it.

It reads beautifully as a voice-over perhaps but as a summary it doesn't have the specifics required. Hope this helps a little bit. JMO

[arcadeus]

The whole screenplay is there. It's a link at the bottom of the post.
Thanks for your suggestions.

[510bhan]

Sorry! Didn't see the link...Duh! I'll have a look at it later and get back to you. Thanks.

[irallan]

Hi Dillon . sorry to come the heavy but it is a general courtesy to read and review other peoples' works here before posting your own. Firstly it is general courtesy but also it gives you an insight as to what is required in regards to posting. We are happy to have new screen writers here and encourage you to input as much as possible.

Generally only posts of a maximum of 2000 words are accepted but links to the full article are allowed as you have done. You will find many don't have the time to download and review a full piece. By posting excerpts of your work you can get an idea of how you are going and direction .

Having said all that I did look briefly at your work and can say i like what you have and your style. Please also post a short excerpt . I think you will get more of a response from that. Perhaps a scene you have some doubts on.

Also it would be correct to introduce yourself on the welcome board first. Please understand many of us make the same errors as newbie's here in our eagerness to get our efforts out for consideration.

Again please keep posting. Regards...Iain