Author Topic: Itīs That Sniff  (Read 2357 times)

Offline DIZI

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Itīs That Sniff
« on: November 09, 2010, 09:47:50 PM »
then smirk,
sanctimonious
face you pull
when introduced
to my friends,

Iīm starting   
to detest.

Offline Kowboy

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Re: Itīs That Sniff
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2010, 10:22:56 PM »
DIZI:

I remain a fan.

Kowboy

Offline Vienna

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Re: Itīs That Sniff
« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2010, 10:12:02 AM »
Dizi, I reckon tha's a bit of an evil woman eh?

like it, short and to the point youo might say.
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline Big T

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Re: Itīs That Sniff
« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2010, 11:13:04 AM »
Short and to the point ...OUCH!

why ... then instead of that?
Big T  :o

Offline DIZI

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Re: Itīs That Sniff
« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2010, 12:21:43 PM »
Thanks Kowboy - I have won you back.
Thanks Vienna always appreciate your comments.
Big T, because you have to read the title, itīs the 1st line, John Jamrus style.

SharonLeigh

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Re: Itīs That Sniff
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2010, 12:25:52 PM »
I love this one, Diz  :)
~Sharon

Offline drab

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Re: Itīs That Sniff
« Reply #6 on: November 10, 2010, 06:29:38 PM »
then smirk
sanctimonious
face you pull
when introduced
to my friends
Iīm starting   
to detest.

Like it DIZ, I don't think you need the commas or the line break.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Tempered

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Re: Itīs That Sniff
« Reply #7 on: November 10, 2010, 08:34:20 PM »
Very nice this is.

I'm probably missing some poetic point, but is the 'It's' needed in the title-first line ? since in a way it is redundant? the 'its' is basically what you begin to describe.

I really like this piece. I write prose so sometimes confuse the two when it comes to meanings.

thanks for the read


Offline DIZI

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Re: Itīs That Sniff
« Reply #8 on: November 12, 2010, 06:57:40 AM »
Thanks Tempered, I have tried it withoutī itīsī Hmmm, Iīm not sure. Possibly.
Doesnīt need it really.

Offline Vienna

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Re: Itīs That Sniff
« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2010, 07:07:35 AM »
I think "it's" is needed it emphasises just exactly what it is that's detested. (IMHO)

It's
that sniff,
then smirk,
sanctimonious
face you pull
when introduced
to my friends,

Iīm starting   
to detest.
 

Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Tempered

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Re: Itīs That Sniff
« Reply #10 on: November 12, 2010, 08:10:34 AM »
I wanted to mention one more thing. Like Vienna, I like the break at the end, where she separates him from her, and find when the poem is joined into one it loses that impact to me.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Itīs That Sniff
« Reply #11 on: November 12, 2010, 01:10:46 PM »
Whoops! What's going to happen when she gets beyond just starting to detest? He's gonna get it real bad! He should read this if he wants to be prepared. Love it.

Offline drab

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Re: Itīs That Sniff
« Reply #12 on: November 13, 2010, 07:51:12 AM »
For what it's worth I think that in this instance the break makes the N sound like a spoilt little brat. 
Maybe try this.

I think "it's" is needed it emphasises just exactly what it is that's detested. (IMHO)

It's
that sniff,
then smirk,
sanctimonious
face you pull
when introduced
to my friends,
Iīm
starting   
to detest.
 


To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Gatsby

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Re: Itīs That Sniff
« Reply #13 on: November 26, 2010, 11:30:48 AM »
I like this. I agree with vienna that the 'It's' is need :)

Best of luck :)
« Last Edit: November 28, 2010, 02:59:19 PM by Gatsby »