Author Topic: The American Arabian  (Read 1599 times)

Offline Royal

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The American Arabian
« on: November 09, 2010, 04:44:17 PM »
              FADE IN:
 
 
 
              EXT. SAN FRANCISCO SHIPPING DOCKS - ESTABLISHING
 
              May of 1916, 10 months before the United States declares war on Germany.
 
              Through a thick fog WE SEE the AL JAZIR, an Arabian ship that has been seized by the Ottoman Empire (The Turks) There are
              Turk sailors loading the ship with cargo from the docks.
 
                                                       CUT TO:
 
              TWO WOMEN
 
              bring escorted by two Army officers on the docks.
 
              SARA, is a very beautiful high spirited young woman about 17-20 years of age with long wavy blonde hair. Her father is a
colonel in the US Army.
 
              LILY is a long time friend of Sara's family. Lily is not as
              attractive as Sara is and she is about ten years older.
 
              MICHAEL is Lily older brother. He's thirty years old and a
              Captain in the Army. He is in love with the young beautiful
              Sara.
 
              Michael and Albert are walking several yards ahead of Sara and Lily.
 
 
 
              MICHAEL AND ALBERT
 
                                  MICHAEL
                               (to Albert)
                        It won't be long before we are
                        dragged into the war. You and I
                        will be one of the first to go.
 
                                  ALBERT
                        The sooner, the better Michael.
 
                                  MICHAEL
                        Yes, I agree Albert.
 
                                                       TO:
 
              LILY AND SARA
 
              Lily grabs Sara's arm and they stop walking.
 
                                                       CUT TO:

 
 
              THE AL JAZIR
 
              The Turkish Sea Captain of the ship and his First Mate are
              standing at the top of the ship's ramp while cargo is being
              loaded onto the ship. The Captain sees Lily and Sara.
 
 
 
                                  TURK SEA CAPTAIN
                               (to his First Mate)
                        Now look at that cargo. That would
                        surely profit us very well in the
                        market place.
 
                                  FIRST MATE
                        We could shanghai them Captain.
 
                                  TURK SEA CAPTAIN
                        Yes we could.
 
                                  FIRST MATE
                        What about their men?
 
                                  TURK SEA CAPTAIN
                        Kill them. They are no use to us.
 
                                                       BACK TO:
 
              LILY AND SARA
 
                                  LILY
                        Sara, Albert has asked me to marry
                        he and I have said yes.
 
                                  SARA
                        But Lily, I know you don't love
                        Albert.
 
                                  LILY
                        I'm sure I will in time. I'm not
                        as young and beautiful as you are
                        Sara. I may never get another
                        offer and Albert is a good man.
 
                                  SARA
                               (hugging Lily)
                        Albert will be a very lucky man to
                        have you as his wife Lily.

                                 





LILY
                        I also know that Michael is
                        planning on asking your father for
                        his approval for your hand in
                        marriage. I know you care very
                        deeply for my brother and when he
                        asks for your hand, I was also
                        hoping that your answer would be
                        yes.
 
                                  SARA
                        You know I love Michael Lily. I
                        always have. But now that there is
                        the rumor that we'll be getting
                        into the war soon, I'm not sure if
                        Michael and I getting married
                        would be a wise or the right thing
                        to do now.
 
                                  LILY
                        Maybe you are right Sara. I think
                        this war is going to change a lot
                        of things and a lot of people's
                        lives.
 
              Through the thick fog a few of the Turkish Sailors appear
              with their swords drawn in front of Michael and Albert.
 
              Michael turns and looks back to Sara and Lily.
 
                                  MICHAEL
                               (yelling out)
                        Run! Get out of here Lily and Sara.
 
              Michael and Albert draw their swords and begin fighting with
              the Turk Sailors.
 
              SARA AND LILY
 
              They try to escape only to find some more sailors that
              appear behind them through the fog. They grab Lily and Sara.
 
                                  SARA
                               (screaming out)
                        Michael!
 
                                  LILY
                        Albert!
 
              The Turk sailors drag Lily and Sara off to their ship.
 
 
         ALBERT
 
  looks to Lily as she's being taken away. From his
              distraction, a Turk sailor put his sword into Albert. Albert
              is killed.
 
              Michael continues fighting with the Turks. He kills the Turk
              sailor that killed Albert and them Michael is shot by the
              First Mate. Michael falls from the dock and into the bay.
 
                                                       TO:
 
              LILY AND SARA
 
              being brought aboard the ship. They are taken to the Captain.
 
              THE CAPTAIN
 
              looking over Sara and Lily.
 
              The Captain puts his hand onto Sara's face and she turns her
              head away. He grabs her hair and forces her to look at him.
              He takes the necklace from around Sara's neck.
 
              The First Mate returns to the ship and goes to his Captain.
 
 
 
                                  TURK SEA CAPTAIN
                               (to the First Mate)
                        What about their men?
 
                                  FIRST MATE
                        They are both dead Captain.
 
                                  TURK SEA CAPTAIN
                        Good.
 
                                  SARA
                        No!
 
                                  LILY
                        No! Not Michael and Albert.
 
              The Captain looks back to Sara.
 
                                  TURK SEA CAPTAIN
                        You are very young and beautiful.
                        What are your years in age?
 
                                  SARA
                        Old enough and wise enough to know
                        that you and your men are nothing
                        but pirates, murders and thieves.

              FIRST MATE
 
              pulls out his dagger from his side and puts it up to Sara's
              throat.
 
                                 

     FIRST MATE
                               (looking to his
                                captain)
                        She is very pretty, but we may
                        have to cut this one's throat
                        before we reach our next port.
 
                                  LILY
                        She's only seventeen. Now leave
                        her alone.
 
              The Captain put his hand onto his First Mate's arm, lowering
              the dagger away from Sara's throat.
 
                                  TURKISH SEA CAPTAIN
                        I think this young one is going to
                        make me a very rich man.
 
              The Captain turns Sara around and then back to him, looking
              her over more closely. He puts his hand onto her hair.
 
                                  TURK SEA CAPTAIN
                        Yes, you are going to make me a
                        very rich man.
 
                                  TURK SEA CAPTAIN
                               (continuing; to First
                                Mate)
                        Have the men untie the ship and
                        let sail before the fog lifts and
                        take the women down below and tie
                        them up for the night.
 
                                  FIRST MATE
                               (to the other sailors)
                        Untie the ship and get ready to
                        sail.
 
                                  TURK SEA CAPTAIN
                               (grabbing the First
                                Mate's arm)
                        No one touches them. Used
                        merchandise and damaged cargo will
                        not get us much Liras.
 
              Sara and Lily are taken inside the ship.

                                  TURK SEA CAPTAIN
                               (continuing)
                        Letís sail! I want some ocean
                        between us and this place before
                        their bodies are found in the
                        morning.
 
                                                       TO:
 
              A LADDER
 
              on the dock to the water below. A hand comes out of the water
            and grabs the ladder. It then releases its grip from the
              ladder and disappears back into the water.

Offline irallan

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Re: The American Arabian
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2010, 08:05:24 PM »
Hi Royal. Nice to meet you. First off I am very inexperienced in screen writing and know little of the formatting sides of it. Also new to wrriting overall so know these are just layman's opinions.
My first impresssion of the dialouge is that the content flows well and easily understood. Character interaction is reasonable. The thing for me is there isn't any real character in individual speech and they all sound in the same style as the Narration. This tend to make it all sound a bit bland. The plot is good and a nice storyline. Just think more colorful dialogue and some character in the speech styles.

e'g                TURK SEA CAPTAIN
                               (to the First Mate)
                        What about of their men?
 
                                  FIRST MATE
                        They are both Dead Captain! (Short and sharp, suggesting a harsher character)
 
                                  TURK SEA CAPTAIN
                        Good.

It sounds like all your characters have come from the same English class. First Mates of Pirates ships are a good source for character. Is he the large brutish deep voiced type or maybe the skinny scrawny type? I don't know how much character detail screenwriting allows so the dialouge needs to carry it a bit more. It was my first lesson here as I hadn't worked my characters well enough .

Hope to see more from you . Regards..Iain
"You can take the boy out of the country...."

Offline Scripter

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Re: The American Arabian
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2010, 10:39:50 PM »
I'll comment on just one aspect. In your action descriptions SHOW only what will be SEEN on the screen. For instance you TELL this: Lily is a long time friend of...how will the audience know? Best to make her do something that SHOWS that relationship and if it's not possible, try to subtly bring it out in dialogue. All the best!

Offline Royal

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Re: The American Arabian
« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2010, 08:33:23 AM »
Thanks Irallan and Farmboy.

It seems when I read over my own writings, I seldom see the mistakes I have made until someone else points them out. I guess that's why I like this site so much.
For the dialogue, most of the characters are Arabian and Turkish. This script mostly takes place in Arabia during WW1. I'm trying to set a tone for how they would speak English. In the script, shouldn't they speak broken and improper English or have I got this wrong? What would be your thoughts on this?

Offline 510bhan

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Re: The American Arabian
« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2010, 09:13:24 AM »
You could probably go two ways with the dialogue...the English spoken could be quite learned and 'old-fashioned'...as taught by a governess or tutor or it could be almost pidgin English oicked up from overhearing various foreigners who have traded in Arabia/Turkey...perhaps the odd French or German expression [or whoever might be a regular visitor/trader in those parts] to suggest the language has been 'picked up' rather than studied.

You still can elaborate on the character by the 'tone' they use when they speak, sharp, abrupt amongst each other, perhaps more formal from the Capt when he addresses the 'English' ladies.

JMO