OK. Paragraphs 1-3:
It was late August in 1962 when I first saw Albert Parker. After all this time, I still remember the year quite distinctly. It was my first teenage summer, life’s first great transition, and I had been waiting months for something special to happen, something magical. Something like having Marilyn Monroe show up on my doorstep. In my dreams she would ask me in her breathless whisper to take her. At the time, I wasn’t even sure what that meant. Hell, it didn’t matter. Just having her show up would have been enough, as long as the rest of the gang saw her. Of course, Marilyn never came to 722 Reichold Street in Brickdale. Albert did.
It was a humid, hurt-your-lungs-on-a-deep-breath morning. A blistering sun was rising over the railroad switching yard at the far end of the street. Its orange glare filtered through exhausted-looking trees. Sinuous heat ribbons shimmered over the motionless freight cars, subtly defining their rusty shapes like so many slumbering beasts.
I was already sitting on the curb under the big oak, trying to find relief in occasional humid puffs of air, when a battered gray panel truck pulled up. A tortuous squeal signaled its stop across the street. An angular middle-aged man unwound from the driver’s seat. Sunlight lit the edges of his short brown curls that were rapidly turning gray, and gleamed brightly from his balding crown.
Herron -
I just read the first paragraph, and then this updated version with paragraphs 1-3. I like it.
Your writing is very visually expressive and the few qualms I have with it are mostly minor.
1) Something feels off about about the first few sentences. I can't quite put my finger on it but I definitely think that section could be improved. "After all this time... to take her." Again, I'm not sure what it is but something there is striking me as not quite right. The end of that paragraph is, in my opinion, the best part of the whole thing.
2) Others have pointed it out already, and it's partially a personal preference thing, but there seem to be a lot of commas. They bog down the story a little bit and I think if you reworked some of those sentences to get rid of some of the commas it would read smoother.
3) Just some editing things, and again probably preference.
- Change first sentence to, "
It was late August, 1962, when I first saw Albert Parker."
- 3rd paragraph. "An angular middle aged man unwound
himself from the driver's seat."
(Italics denote suggestions)
- The last sentence of the 3rd paragraph with the description of the man's hair doesn't make sense to me. I'm struggling to picture it in my head. I think it's the curls and the balding crown that are giving me trouble. It's probably just me, but you might want to rework that as well.
None of the things I suggested are absolutely imperative, but all the same you might want to have a look. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more of this short story.
- AEL14
