Author Topic: The Touch of Mama's Hands  (Read 8466 times)

Offline jan12550

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The Touch of Mama's Hands
« on: November 09, 2010, 12:30:08 AM »
When I was young,
   And could not yet stand;
I learned the deep love
   In my mama's hands.

There wasn't an ache;
   No pain was so grand;
That it could not be soothed
   By my sweet mama's hands.

It was something I knew,
   Though not always acknowledged;
Her touch stirred my depths
   When I was disheartened.

No foe could attack,
   No pain overwhelm;
But Mama's soft touch
   Would soon calm me down.

Then as I grew older,
   And went on my way;
While Daddy and Mamma
   At home did both stay:

Years quickly passed by,
   And my memory waned;
Of the comforting strength
   In Mama's dear hands.

Our visits too often
   Were entirely too few:
The infrequent greetings
   Held a mere hug, or two.

Then came a day
   When I visited home;
A fall on some pavement
   Had broken a bone.

I shared it with Mama,
   As her child would have done.
She simply reached out;
   Laid her hand on my arm.

It was all unexpected;
   She was now more the child:
I could never have dreamed;
   My emotions ran wild!

My eyes were wide opened,
   The memories rushed in;
As surprised by her touch
   Those hands warmed me again!

The old peace flooded through me;
   I was startled to find;
That same touch, long forgotten,
   Thrilled my soul and my mind!

So, what will I remember,
   Now she's joined Heaven's band?
Nothing ever compares to
   The touch of Mama's hands!

Offline Akeith (Gray)

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Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2010, 10:16:51 AM »
Hi Welcome to MWC.

I say this (note: just my opinion) to be encouraging to you. It seems to me that the form - rhyme, odd sequence of words, wordiness, repetition - supercedes the quality of the writing, of the poem itself. I could not finish reading through it.

I am only addressing the form here and how it distracts from content.

On the other hand, you do seem to have some talent. I would suggest you read and study more contemporary poetry, and try again.

Hope this helps.

Gray

Offline Janice Sanford

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Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2010, 09:09:56 PM »
Having lost my own mother, I could relate to the emotion the author of this poem must have been feeling when writing "The Touch of Mama's Hands."  In my opinion the length of the poem was very fitting for the subject matter of the poem....

Offline drab

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Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2010, 09:31:08 PM »
Hi and welcome jan,
Lovely sentiment but as far as poetry goes it is not very good.
Some really horrible lines here

While Daddy and Mamma
   At home did both stay:

It is cliched and generic.
Sorry to be so negative.
Regards
drab

To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline DIZI

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Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
« Reply #4 on: November 09, 2010, 09:34:51 PM »
I found it emotionless and full of telling description
that really tells us nothing ie;

When I was young
A fall on some pavement 
No pain was so grand
Held a mere hug, or two

Theres too many to list.
jmo

Offline Janice Sanford

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Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2010, 11:12:17 AM »
I found it emotionless and full of telling description
that really tells us nothing ie;

When I was young
A fall on some pavement  
No pain was so grand
Held a mere hug, or two

Theres too many to list.
jmo

I found much emotion entertwined throughout the poem.
example:

There wasn't an ache;
   No pain was so grand;
That it could not be soothed
   By my sweet mama's hands.


To be emotionless is to be without feelings. As I read the words the writer penned, the poem  stirred my own emotions...Still a wonderful poem. imho
« Last Edit: November 10, 2010, 11:17:11 AM by Janice Sanford »

SharonLeigh

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Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
« Reply #6 on: November 10, 2010, 11:38:47 AM »
Hello,
This poem, IMO, could be helped by not attempting to use meter or rhyme. As it is now, it reminds me a tad of lyrics, a la Holly Dunn in `Daddy`s Hands`. Since the subject can so easily be trite, I`d condense, scrap the  rhyme, and try to eliminate the superflous words. The rhyming really constrains  you, lines such as:
she was now more the child
I could never have dreamed
my emotions ran wild!
show this, as the reader instantly feels you chose the cliche`d `wild` to describe emotion simply because it rhymed. IMO the feelings evoked by caretaking of a parent aren`t passionate or `wild`, but would seem to be something more along the lines of tender, wistful, poignant, etc. Watch the exclamation point, it can so easily be over-used, and insulting to your reader.
.
However, I do like the bones of the idea here. It is worthy of a poem, IMO, only perhaps a bit more understated.  :)
.
Best~
Sharon
« Last Edit: November 10, 2010, 12:46:17 PM by SharonL. »

Offline f fff ffff

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Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
« Reply #7 on: November 10, 2010, 11:49:52 AM »
The difficult part of writing a poem such as this is staying within the constrains that you provide. With a poem such as this, you need to remain either consistent with meter/rhyme or differ for an artistic purpose. IMO You stray from your constrains too often. I would either fix the errors in meter and rhyme or look back and see if it is truly needed as has been offered before. I think that lifting the constrains you can find a beautiful poem underneath. Thanks for sharing!
"Thoughtcrime does not entail death: thoughtcrime is death."
- Orwell 1984

Offline DIZI

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Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
« Reply #8 on: November 10, 2010, 12:32:46 PM »
you think this is full of emotion,

Quote
There wasn't an ache;
   No pain was so grand;
That it could not be soothed
   By my sweet mama's hands

itīs all telling and paints no picture.
How did you ache? 
Whatīs a grand pain?
Sweet Mama - cliche and show us how she soothed you.

Offline jan12550

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Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
« Reply #9 on: November 10, 2010, 08:44:18 PM »
Thank you, both for your praise and your literary criticism. Admittedly, poetry is not my genre of choice, but I feel there are some things that can only be expressed adequately through a poem. I chose to post in this review section rather than the gallery out of the simple curiosity to see what others who do love poetry would have to say. I would hope that, in spite of any task you may take with my exact style, you would be able to see beyond that and simply enjoy my feeble efforts to convey what is probably the strongest memory I have of all my mother did for me throughout her lifetime. There was nothing else in this world like what her touch evoked -- even after she was old and feeble. I will always remember, and never stop missing her (or her touch) now that she's gone.

Offline drab

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Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
« Reply #10 on: November 10, 2010, 09:07:04 PM »
Hi jan,
I'm glad you have those memories of your mother.
But poetry is a form of voyeurism, and your poem told us about every nice mother. You know what she was like and after reading the poem we still see 'every mother' we don't see YOUR mum.
There is showing (which is good) and then there is telling, unfortunately, you told.
Regards
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Emeraude

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Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
« Reply #11 on: November 10, 2010, 09:33:10 PM »
Hi Jan,

I appreciate the sentiment in this poem and although it does hold emotion, I'm afraid it's inconsistent. I think with something that holds such sentiment to you, perhaps try and convey this to the reader by making the verses more powerful. I do agree with the other comments here, this does sound more like song lyrics than a poem and the meter is rather inconsistent, so I'd reckon if you tweek that slightly, it'll flow better as I found that the meter you used distracted me from the emotion and sentiment this poem holds.

Ant. =)

Offline Janice Sanford

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Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
« Reply #12 on: November 12, 2010, 05:04:40 PM »
Hi jan,
I'm glad you have those memories of your mother.
But poetry is a form of voyeurism, and your poem told us about every nice mother. You know what she was like and after reading the poem we still see 'every mother' we don't see YOUR mum.
There is showing (which is good) and then there is telling, unfortunately, you told.
Regards

Please, explain "a form of voyeurism" in connect with the poem "The Touch of Mama's Hands."

Voyeurism is a disorders of sexual arousal. It involves the act of observing unsuspecting individuals, usually strangers, who may be naked ...

http://www.psychnet-uk.com/dsm_iv/voyerism_disorder.htm

I did not realize that good poetry depended on a poem's power to cause the reader to get aroused sexually....
Interesting...to say the least.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
« Reply #13 on: November 12, 2010, 05:16:27 PM »
Please, explain "a form of voyeurism" in connect with the poem "The Touch of Mama's Hands."

I doubt it's meant literally - which as a poet you should know...more that outsiders looking in on intimate details of a person's life whether that is joy, suffering whatever emotion that s expressed related to an event or circumstance. In this case the reader looking in on what YOUR mother was to you so that we can feel that too, not just mom was great, mom was cool, mom was the best in the world - anybody who loves their mother could say that.

Offline drab

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Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
« Reply #14 on: November 12, 2010, 06:58:47 PM »
Well said 510,
I did say it was a 'form' of voyeurism.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.