Episode 1 part 2. 500 words.

[DavidMcK]

Hi all,

This follows on from the first part, found here: http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=27178.0
I have actually rewrote the start and there is a whole scene before the first part that I posted. Anyway, this is the rest of the first act, any feedback, good or bad, is greatly appreciated.

David


INT.COMMAND CENTRE, VESTA BASE.

Carter walks out of travel tube, the crew in the Command Centre clap as he walks towards his command chair. Major-General Blair and his guards take up a position at the rear of the Command Centre. Carter fires Major-General Blair a dirty look as he gets to his chair, he sits.

COMMANDER CARTER

Are all systems set for Jump-drive?

Dr. HELEN JAMESON

Yes, Sir.

COMMANDER CARTER

All screens down?

Dr. HELEN JAMESON

Yes, Sir.

COMMANDER CARTER

Hadron Collider still off-line?

Dr. HELEN JAMESON

Yes, Sir.

COMMANDER CARTER

Dark-matter capacitors fully charged?

Dr. HELEN JAMESON

Yes, Sir, all systems are ready for launch.

COMMANDER CARTER

In that case, Helen, please launch the Jump-Drive.

When Helen types the command for Jump-Drive. An explosion fills the room. The smoke partially clears. Fire, smoke, and damage everywhere. Moaning. Everyone is on the floor. Klaxon sounds, emergency lights come on. Major-General Blair is lying unconscious on the floor, one of his Space Troopers, and several others are dead.

Carter struggles to his seat, he is holding his injured left shoulder. He hits the intercom to turn it on.

COMMANDER CARTER

This is Commander Carter. Evacuate the station, report to your nearest escape module and evacuate the station.

Carter turns the intercom off.

COMMANDER CARTER

Anna, try and raise USN command, tell them we have had heavy damage and are evacuating the station.

Anna has already gotten to her wheelchair. She has a deep wound above her left eye. Her blonde hair is soaked blood red. She turns to Carter.

COMMUNICATION OFFICER.

I’ve been trying Jim, all the systems seem to be functional but I can’t get a signal.

COMMANDER CARTER

Keep trying to send that distress call.

COMMUNICATION OFFICER.

No, Jim, you don’t understand. It’s not just sending a signal. There are no signals to receive.

Carters off his seat and trying to help Dr. Helen Jameson.

COMMANDER CARTER

Get Engineering to fix the problem. Tell them it’s a priority after they make sure that we have atmospheric integrity.

COMMUNICATION OFFICER.

I’ve done that, Jim, they tell me the systems are all working.

Dr. HELEN JAMESON

Did the jump work? Perhaps we’re out of range or behind one of the planets.

Carter helps the weary Dr. Helen Jameson to her seat.

COMMANDER CARTER

Bartlett, confirm our location.

Carter turns to Bartlett, he is lying motionless on the floor. Carter goes to his body, checks for life signs, none. He gets up and checks Bartlett’s computer consoles.

COMMANDER CARTER

It doesn’t make any sense. These reading are all over the place.

COMMUNICATION OFFICER.

Engineering says that our hull integrity is intact.

COMMANDER CARTER

Raise the damn observational shield to see where the hell we are.

   

The screen rises and all the commotion in the main Command Centre stops. Everyone looks to the screen and at the two suns of Alpha Centauri.

COMMANDER CARTER

How in the hell can there be two suns? Where in God’s name are we?

FADE OUT.

[Scripter]

I mentioned that I'm not much into TV scripts, don't even write in English because my vocab. can't permit me but I have some general knowledge about TV scripts. To begin with, before you plunge into ACT ONE, the set up, first three or four pages, I'm not sure how they call that technically (Teaser if I'm not wrong) which ends with a cilff-hanger, (that being the  cue for the first commercial break) is never part of ACT ONE.

The first page should start with FADE IN: or whatever...followed by the first slugline which should include time. Day or night. That done, opinion is divided when it comes to this but it's really safer to set the scene interestingly but not with too much emphasis on the specific details. A writers duty is not to spell out everything.  That done it's obvious you have to introduce your characters:

3.INT.JIM CARTER’S OFFICE

Jim talking on the video-phone to his wife.

Upon introduction of a character, give a short description. It can be anything you like but important to include his age but how detailed you want that to be is upto you nonetheless it's best to keep it brief but providing all the basic info and oh, characters name, when he's first intorduced must be in bold. For example it could take this appearance:

CARTER (76), Commander of...whatever.


Then follows the action description. As I mentioned earlier, you should describe only what happens in the script, for a start. Later once you're conversant with all the rules it's easier to deviate from them as you choose but as some of these things are taken very seriously, best to apply. I'll do a minor edit on actoin block to practically show what I mean:


INT. COMMAND CENTER – VESTA BASE – NIGHT

(Set the scene) then…

Carter walks (it’s advisable to use highly descriptive verbs- they create a more colorful image in the mind of the reader) out of a travel tube.

(Scripts follow the cause-effect logic. You could dramatize his entry by starting off with the sound of applause then have him enter- just a thought though). The CREW (no need to refer to the command center again, the implication is obvious) clap.

(Split up your action descriptions to imply shots. TV films predominantly use medium shots and C.Us so every time a character enters the action, go straight into the next action description paragraph.)

Major-General Blair, and his GUARDS (be specific. How many?) take up (Note: Use long shots sparingly in TV script.)  a position at the rear of the Command center.

Carter, fires Major-General Blair a dirty look ( don’t tell. Show, the physical manifestation of emotion on…a characters face or whatever).

I hope that can be helpful.

 
 

[DavidMcK]

Hi Farmboy,

Your advice here is priceless to me. I was genuinely under the illusion that I had the formatting correct and just needed to concentrate on the content. I have looked at several other scripts since you posted and can see all the points that I have missed and you have pointed out.

From my point of view I think I now need to take time to study some completed scripts.

Thanks

David

[Scripter]

I'd do the same thing too. Check out simplyscripts.com . The site I believe, lists scripts from all genres.