Author Topic: First impressions  (Read 4516 times)

Offline DIZI

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #15 on: October 13, 2010, 07:44:26 PM »
Clusters.

Offline Victor

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #16 on: October 14, 2010, 05:26:27 AM »
okay thanks all. I think I'll go with clusters. but by "washed up" I meant as in "a corpse washed up on the beach" ie. the matter constituting the hair, nails and skin being just dead cells washed up to the surface....

anyway, here's the final two versions

i)
First impressions

I liked

your hair
your skin
your babypink
toenails

I realize
only now
they’re just clusters

of dead cells.

or

ii)
First impressions

I liked

your hair
your skin
your babypink
toenails

I realize
only now
they’re just
 
dead cells

washed up
to the surface.

---

V2 irks me for the reason it buffers the stinger (dead cells) with those two extra lines.

and one last question, (pleaase!) do you think it'd be better (less ambiguous) if I substituted "her" for your ?

thanks again, everyone.
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline Mark H

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #17 on: October 14, 2010, 08:36:04 AM »
Prefer 1, prefer her.

M
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sweetgirl09

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #18 on: October 14, 2010, 09:40:14 AM »
What Mark said! 1, and her

Offline 510bhan

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #19 on: October 15, 2010, 09:39:27 AM »
And another vote for her.

Offline Vienna

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #20 on: October 15, 2010, 09:43:10 AM »
hello Victor, I liked reading this. Don't really like "clusters", I like quite simply "dead cells"

leave out the washed up.
But that's just my very humble opinion.
Just a well-read punk peasant

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Offline 510bhan

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #21 on: October 15, 2010, 11:00:47 AM »
they're just
washed up
dead cells

???

Offline Akeith (Gray)

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #22 on: October 16, 2010, 01:25:48 PM »
#1  :)

Offline Victor

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #23 on: October 17, 2010, 01:38:37 AM »
thanks everyone. so its unanimous...well, almost. :)
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline drab

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #24 on: October 17, 2010, 09:46:14 PM »
I
like
1
2                                                                                            too

Very clever V.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline Victor

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #25 on: October 18, 2010, 02:51:21 AM »
thanks, man.
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline FreyaMackenzie

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #26 on: October 18, 2010, 07:29:55 AM »
I really really like this.

It actually made me laugh out loud that I got the evil eye from my boss.

I personally prefer Washed up. As it paints a better picture to Clusters reminds me of crunchy nut. . . . .

Please write some more!!!

~Freya~

Offline Victor

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #27 on: October 20, 2010, 03:15:31 AM »
thanks, Freya.

And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline DIZI

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #28 on: October 22, 2010, 04:34:21 PM »
Number 1 with ´her´.

Offline Proffessor

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Re: First impressions
« Reply #29 on: October 28, 2010, 01:24:54 AM »
Why do you need either one? It could just be

they’re just

dead cells.


Other than that, I really enjoyed it, and I think that 'your' is better, since its actually like he's talking to the girl.