Author Topic: The Cry Of The Far One  (Read 882 times)

Offline Mauselmaucs

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The Cry Of The Far One
« on: October 21, 2010, 04:24:12 PM »
This is my first ever english poem. Pls. review its grammar.


I want to come back to my loving place
In the nest of love, full with joy and grace Where the two special someone were hoping and dreaming
Two precious women of my life were patiently waiting

A wife even we had quite far distance
Her love reaches my soul, seems she draws near
And a daugther of love, while could not speak well
But the whisper that she loves me was heard very clear

And when my eyes is close, I see the lovely faces
That I used to touch, which were been for kiss
And who would be found in a cold sad lonesome
As the island, It would be no one but myself

My home... is my only place of love
Where there leaving, are the most brilliant above
How could I step on that just for a moment in time
To see the wonderful smiles and to hold their hands

The seed of this sorrows was the emptyness
So the poor unfolded hands now holding a tools
The hardships, when it comes, blood of woe would shed
But the laws always sieze me, to stay is the rules

How many mountains after the wide oceans
Before the cry of the far one's being calm
To reach the highest clouds down to their hearts
And will never want them again, being far to my life...



« Last Edit: October 21, 2010, 04:31:03 PM by Mauselmaucs »

Offline drab

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Re: The Cry Of The Far One
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2010, 09:44:05 PM »
Hi and Welcome M,
English is not your first language, and there are so many errors that I wouldn't know where to start.
The sadness you are feeling and the sense of loss/separation is well communicated, for this you are to be commended.
I often find it difficult writing in my own language, so well done M and I hope you keep writing.
Rome wasn't built in a day, and if you manage to learn just a little each day you'll get there soon enough.
I'm not qualified to give precise critique but if you don't receive any help in the next few days I'll give it a go.
Regards.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline eric

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Re: The Cry Of The Far One
« Reply #2 on: October 23, 2010, 10:00:46 PM »
A good effort M, considering where you're coming from, and I think there's a lot to be liked here, worthy of further work and treatment.  My plate is too full now to be able to help, but if you listen carefully to drab I am sure he'll have some good insights for you.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: The Cry Of The Far One
« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2010, 10:30:42 PM »
I think people are reluctant to crit because even when fixing grammatical errors it would be so easy to lose the emotion of this piece - which comes across well - but it's not quite poetic [in English] yet.

Not sure if you want free verse or rhymes to express your feelings - at the moment there is a mixture that doesn't seem to follow a pattern and that also makes it difficult to offer suggestions. This  is me being really brave now!

A wife even we had quite far distance
This is grammatically incorrect [even with poetic licence I suspect, no expert though] Suggest:Although my wife is far away [8 beats same message - not terribly poetic though so you would need another way of expressing this] A wife, distanced by miles so far, ??????

A wife even we had quite far distance {see my suggestions above}
Her love reaches my soul, seems she draws near
And a daugther of love, while could not speak well
But the whisper that she loves me was heard very clear


daughter

I think the last line loses some of its rhythm, it might be better to change it just by losing the But

I want to come back to my loving place
In the nest of love, full with joy and grace
Where the two special someone were hoping and dreaming
Two precious women of my life were patiently waiting


And when my eyes is close, I see the lovely faces
That I used to touch, which were been for kiss


And when my eyes close/are closed, I see the lovely faces
That I used to touch, waiting for my kiss/that I used to kiss???

And who would be found in a cold sad lonesome
As the island, It would be no one but myself


But I am sad and alone while my heart races
Yearning for that fondness, that tender bliss

My home... is my only place of love
Where there leaving, are the most brilliant above
How could I step on that just for a moment in time
To see the wonderful smiles and to hold their hands


My home...is my only place of love
Leaving there, leaving behind all I hold dear
Breaks my heart and sends its longing
for a moment with loved ones near

The seed of this sorrows was the emptyness
So the poor unfolded hands now holding a tools
The hardships, when it comes, blood of woe would shed
But the laws always sieze me, to stay is the rules


The seeds of sorrow sit in the emptiness
of these unheld hands that now hold tools.
Hardships with woe and bloodshed press
an exile forced to stay by laws and rules

How many mountains after the wide oceans
Before the cry of the far one's being calm
To reach the highest clouds down to their hearts
And will never want them again, being far to my life...


How many mountains after wide open seas
Before the cry of the far one's being calms
To reach the highest clouds, the sweetest breeze
And my cries fall down in my loved one's arms

I hope I haven't changed the meaning too much, these are just ideas to give you an idea of how to convey what you intend to say in rhyme. I'm not much of a poet so do feel free to ignore this completely, I won't be offended.

I can't believe I'm daring to do this. Well here goes! PING.



« Last Edit: October 23, 2010, 10:40:40 PM by 510bhan »