Author Topic: A heart felt cry -rewritten-1294 words  (Read 3716 times)

Offline irallan

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A heart felt cry -rewritten-1294 words
« on: October 19, 2010, 09:06:45 AM »
Hi appreciated the feedback first time round. Would like to know if this rewrite works before I rewrite the rest of the act and finish the play. Is the dialogue clear and believable. Do the characters work.etc. I have written this in the standard US format except the indenting got lost in posting. Thank you for any consideration.

Regards..Iain

Scene 2

  (Stage  lightens to a stage of shop fronts in the background. Well heeled people are going back and forward purposefully, some reading papers and others stopping here and there at shop windows. A  drunk is sitting by the water fountain and bench far stage right. Some throw coins in to his hat on the ground before him. Tom emerges from stage left,  from what looks like a subway entrance. Tom tries to stop someone to speak to, but, they look at him funny and keep going. He walks to the other end, trying to get attention. He gets no  responses. He stops at the bench and water fountain and takes a drink. He then sits down at the other end of the bench from the drunk.)

Tom
(To himself)
“And I thought I was insignificant in the country. Mmm these people sure are in a hurry.”

(He addresses the drunk.)

Tom
”Sir. Where could I get cheap accommodation.? Doesn't have to be flash.!”

Drunk
 “What will be, will be.”

Tom
 (As to himself)
 “Poor soul, wonder what broke his back?”

  (A  girl enters from the subway. She is  carrying a basket of flowers. There is a rose in her long dark hair.  She is smiling but her eyes are haunted and tainted with pain.)

Lisa
 “  Bouquets for your sweethearts boys.  C’mon, cheap. Get in the good books with your gals, guys.  Flowers say it better. C'mon lovely flowers $4-00 posy, $6-00 for a bunch.”

Tom
 (To himself )
 “Ah what an angel such a sweet face. So natural.”

Possibly seeing someone who could help he walks towards the girl who is crouched and working on her bouquets. Arranging them on a stand..

Tom
 “Hi  miss, sorry to trouble you, but may I ask a question if you are not too busy?”

  (The girl whirls and stands upright in the one movement .Appraising Tom . Seeing no harm, she ventures a response.)

Lisa
 “What c’n I do ya for?

Tom
 “I have just arrived from the country and I'm looking for accommodation and work. Where’s the best place to start here.?”

  (The girl pauses and studies Toms face.)

Lisa
 “C’n see your a country bumpk’n . Most polite indeed.  ‘Fraid youv’e come at the wrong time. The market collapse has made it hard  to find anyth’n’ that pays regular or even half decent. What ya think’n’ of paying for lodg’n’s.”

Tom
 “ I am happy to pay eighty  to a hundred  per week I guess.”  

Lisa
  (With a small giggle)
 “Ohh,  back home in  the sticks maybe, not ‘round here.  Mph eighty to a hundred a week’ll get ya a cardboard box and a bench seat here in the city.  Y’ll hav’ta get your parents to help ya out. Property went ballistic a couple’a years ago .”

Tom
 “I am on my own, I am afraid. I grew up in a foster home and they do not sponsor you after 18 .”
 (Seeing the girl s face look alarmed now at mentioning it Tom put’s his hand up placatingly to quickly put her at ease)

Tom
 “Hey you were not to know and I am at peace with it .”

Lisa
 “Sorry t’ hear that. Must’a been hard grow’n’ up in a home? ”  

Tom
“ Don’t know anything different. It wasn’t a bad life. Mary and Keith were great to all of us kids. They ran the home and where like parents too us all really. They where retired English tutors.”  

(A train whistle is heard off stage.)

Lisa
 “ Ahh the 5:10 time to work I'm afraid Tom. All the office boy's getting home. One or two usually has’ta make up’ta some girl somewhere hey. You blokes, always putt’n’ your foot in it .Thank g’dness for that for me, hey!.”

Tom
 “Ok then well I hope you sell all your flowers today and thanks for your help.”

(Tom turns and takes two steps. Lisa ,as if coming to a decision, half reaches out.)

Lisa
“Wait. Uh... um...Look... There’s a board’n’ house run by a saint of a lady, Caroline. There’s a few of us ..um well special people I s’pose. We are quiet’n’ keep to ourself, but I see no harm in ya. It’s the neatest place on Peacehaven St. Don’t let the name fool ya, it ain’t pretty. But its cheap ‘n’ clean at Caroline’s. Well if she likes ya then i’ll see ya at dinner. I’m Lisa by the way.“

Tom
 “Thank you Lisa, my name is Tom. That is great .Well, finally, some sunshine in what has been a cloudy day. Hopefully I shall see your pretty face again Lisa”

(Tom turned and walked of stage right past the fountain..Lisa's  eyes  followed him as he left.)

Lisa
(to herself )
 “And probably more like us than ya think Tom .”

  (Office type workers emerge from the subway entrance. 3  stop to buy flowers. The last buyer follows the rest off stage right.  Lisa watches the last one walk for a few steps then turns and knocks her stand over towards the front of the stage. She brings her hands to her face and shakes with a half sob, then with determination she kneels down and starts  packing the flowers back together. The back light fades to dark. Lisa is highlighted with the scattered flowers by soft lighting. The screen is lowered and lightens, but not fully, it is more like a door has opened in the corner of a bedroom and the corridor light shines in on the bedroom wall. A man’s silhouette walks in and the door is closed and the screen goes dark. A young timid voice is heard. “Daddy? Daddy is that you? I'm tired tonight Daddy.” A man's voice. “Its ok honey, we'll just play a quick one of our special games.” The girls voice again ”No Daddy I don't wan...Daddyyyy'...”)

Lisa                                
“No princesses story
No fairy tale for me
A king of men you were not
No loving haven of sanctity

A defiler of  innocence
The games you made me play
Filth and loathing filled me
feeling less worthy each day.”



  (The screen lights again. There is the silhouette of a ladies head and shoulder. She is smoking  a cigarette through a long style cigarette holder.  A little girl's voice . ”I don’t feel well mummy.”  A harsh, dry, crackly voice replies. ”So what you little stain, get back in your room(coughs and hacks phlegm.)”  A knock is heard and then a man's voice. ”All good then me sweetie, Denise ?” ”She's where she usually is Fred . You know the rules . One hundred in me hand now or nu-tin.”  ”Oh expensive Denise.!”  ”Go elsewhere for the meat if ya can find it Fred. Plenty of sicko's like you who are happy to pay.” A man's shadow passes across the screen and then there is sobbing. Again the screen goes dark.)

Lisa
 
“Why didn’t you love me
Why bring me to this world
I was just a stain to you
A whoring souless girl


Pandered to the depravity
Of sick men's desires
For financial perversity
My innocence you hired  “


(The screen lights with the silhouettes of three  men. A man’s voice. ” Hey, check out the flower girl, wouldn’t it be great to get that ones cherry?” Another man’s voice. “ Well what’s to stop us Jimmy boy, there’s none else around.”  ”Right you are Sandy me boy, right you are.”  The figures go off screen to the left. A pause and then a woman’s scream.....)

Lisa

“I was just a body
A tool for your insanity
A means to an end
A toy to your depravity

And in my heart I know
With certain finality
For this worthless life
A prince there will never be”
« Last Edit: October 19, 2010, 09:10:26 AM by irallan »
"You can take the boy out of the country...."

Offline 510bhan

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Re: A heart felt cry -rewritten-1294 words
« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2010, 10:27:26 AM »
Hi Iain...terrific improvement, can see the scenes and the action much more clearly. Good to have established Tom as a country bumpkin..explains him better. When I read this first time round with the$ and subways [and not knowing you were from Oz] led me to believe this was American. Now that you've given Lisa her accent in the dialogue - much more clear, her speech is realistic too.

Like the changes...as you know these reviews take time and space do you want me to correct any typos/errors and send them to you as PM rather than take up valuable space here?

Offline irallan

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Re: A heart felt cry -rewritten-1294 words
« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2010, 10:56:08 AM »
If you could do that Siobhan I would be grateful. I am rewriting the first act to suit this new style and would like to know if it is alright if I posted the whole first Act to the gallerry so you can get this piece in better perspective and also just a general opinion of the first Act. Their are 10 characters in the first act which is about 5000 words long.

"You can take the boy out of the country...."

Offline 510bhan

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Re: A heart felt cry -rewritten-1294 words
« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2010, 11:16:21 AM »
PM sent.

Don't know about the gallery - I imagine it should be alright but you'd have to have a download for such a long piece and remember to inform the readers of the length before they pop in! :D

Maybe one of the mods could advise. Good idea for those who are following you script. Failing that...a bunch of PMs to those who have responded to your post??? They could always bin it if they didn't want it...dunno mate. I'd certainly be interested.

Patron

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Re: A heart felt cry -rewritten-1294 words
« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2010, 01:16:54 AM »
Hello irallan;
 Nice job!

I've got a couple of questions , but I'm going to PM first, as I want to be sure I'm on the same page. Hope that's ok.  ;)

Sincerely;


Patron

Offline irallan

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Re: A heart felt cry -rewritten-1294 words
« Reply #5 on: October 20, 2010, 04:44:47 AM »
Thank you very much Siobhan and Patron I am grateful for all of your input and advice. I have seen there is no word limit in the gallerrey so later today or early tomorrow will post the full Act I to help put this piece in perspective.
Thank you and Warm regards,,,Iain
"You can take the boy out of the country...."

Offline DavidMcK

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Re: A heart felt cry -rewritten-1294 words
« Reply #6 on: October 24, 2010, 07:36:51 AM »
Hi Iain,

Good improvement, the language is a lot smoother too.

I felt that Tom telling Lisa about his past happened a bit too abruptly.  Maybe this is how his character is with everybody and he just wears his heart on his sleeve.  I just seemed that he told a lot of personal information to someone he had just met in the street too freely. I would suggest another few lines of dialogue to bring this information out in a more natural way.

You could post the whole thing in the gallery but in my experience most people tend not to read large posts. You may find a better response if you post it in sections here.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

David

Offline irallan

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Re: A heart felt cry -rewritten-1294 words
« Reply #7 on: October 24, 2010, 09:49:45 PM »
Hi David thanks for your suggestions. I felt too it may be too soon for that disclosure but I wonder if the play arena allows for more disclosure normally prudent as the limited time and the amount of context to get across. I do feel that the first Act may be a little short. Once I have finished the whole play I will go back and pad where I can. Tom is also a naive country boy who is open about his past he doesn't see it as anything shameful and needs to be hidden.
I am being reminded of late of a manuscript I used to have. It was the three drafts for the script to Monty pythons Holy grail. What was striking about it was the dramatic difference from the first draft and the final third draft. It was interesting to see how rough and error ridden the first was. Full of scratched out and semi formed ideas just left hanging. Some got developed in the second , some left out. There where thing like a deer that kept popping up in the credits that I didn't notice in the first watch of the film, but after saw them there.
I'm thinking now to write the rest an then adjust as necessary. Sometimes It's good to raise questions like that as it opens up the character I think. e.g.Why is Tom so open ? Later as his character is revealed more, his honest simplicity is enhanced by the original question.
"You can take the boy out of the country...."

Offline Kiryana

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Re: A heart felt cry -rewritten-1294 words
« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2010, 12:26:47 AM »
Well, I must say I did enjoy what I read quite a bit. Very easy to read and follow and thats what counts for me. Having to sped to much time thinking about what was written or seen is taxing and doesn't make for a pleasant experience. Neither of these were present here. I apologize I can not give you any expert advice being a "noob" to writing scripts and writing in general. However, I hope an honest compliment on your work would be just as well accepted.
"Whether we bring our enemies to justice, or justice to our enemies, justice will be done."

Offline irallan

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Re: A heart felt cry -rewritten-1294 words
« Reply #9 on: October 31, 2010, 11:29:58 AM »
Thank you Kiryana. Sorry for the slow response. What you have said is probably more encouraging than you think. I knew coming into this I had no technical merit . I needed to know if someone, somewhere liked what I had even in it's rawest. Format , grammar and such are academic. Does the guts of it appeal?Are the characters real and do you feel as if you come away with something new? To me these are what count the most.
I haven't learnt anything to do with writing for 24 years until I came here and to me Script writing has changed so much. Stage was the King back then and Hamlet and Merchant of Venice were among  the main studies. Now I wonder if the screen has not taken over and has technical detail and format that to the unlearned excludes them from enjoying the true content of the work being presented. Also preventing them from reviewing. I just have not seen a serious script writer review here for awhile, while the other sections are vibrant. I would like to thank the kindness of the writers from the poetry and prose section who, even though this is not their preferred form of literature, have been generous enough to review. I would like them to know that  formatting  aside their comments were very helpful. I know my work has improved remarkably from the reviews I have been given.

Warm regards...iain
"You can take the boy out of the country...."