Author Topic: in the light of conversation  (Read 2676 times)

Offline MTV_poetasters

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in the light of conversation
« on: January 22, 2006, 07:46:27 PM »
" I left him by himself, I'm sure by now he is gone." he siad. " I fealt that I need to leave, and I feel guilty, for not feeling, well, anything." a circular wooden table seperated us. " its okay, we all do things we dont understand." I said. the candle flame swayed about the table like a light house searching deeply into the wooden sea. the light found our face and Illuminated. but still we were searching for somthing in the light of conversation. he reached out to the candle and cuaght flowing wax on his callaced finger tip. " he said he was going to kill himself. we all think that these people will never do it, and then they do. and thats when they do it, when everyone least beleives it. he has bad chemicals in his head. they make him say thing like that a lot." he peeled the wax off and and looked over his finger print. " well thats all really everything is, chemicals. they just sit up in our heads and make us say shit, and do shit. when we are young they make us say we are going to kill ourselves. when we are in mid- life, they make us break down and realize everything that we've done wrong, and everything that we should have done right. and when we are old, they make us fall asleep and yell at children. its just how people are." I said. " there is more to life then that, what about love, is that just a chemical, what about freindship?" he said. the wax finger tip broke under the weight of his thumb. " its all chemicals, but does it even matter, the fact is, is that love and freindship and you and I and everything exists. no matter what its made of." " until we die..." he said, I could tell that he really began to worry about his freind. " he is not going to die, he'll be fine tommarow morning." I said, but I was really just trying to comfort him. he put his head in between his arms and wept. I had never seen him weep before, showing emotion is somthing men try to avoid. " it really will be okay, see, love is real, you love him, and you feel it and know it." " y-you dont understand," his head nestled between his arms. " I am crying becuase I feel so numb, all the time, I feel like nothing exists, not love, not you, not even me." his head remaind in the soothing darkness of his shirt sleeve. I got fed up with all of his crying and complaining," god, all you do is this, you just talk about how much you hate your life, and how numb you are. well obviously, you are crying, you feel somthing there. so just get a hold of yourself. I can't take this anymore." I got up and left him ther by himself crying. was anything he said true? have I grown numb. I just wish I could feel more sorry for him.

I copied it, and all the formating disapeared...

Offline Symphony

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Re: in the light of conversation
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2006, 10:28:47 AM »
Hello there,

Don't worry about the formatting - that's quite normal. If it's important, you actually have to put it in again once it's here!

First thing - it would REALLY help your writing to do a bit of editing as regards punctuation as such. If you're not very good at it, you could always ask someone on here to help you out. I know it's draft and not supposed to be even close to perfect, but it DOES help the reader a lot. There's very little punctuation here and it detracts from your actual writing. (Don't hate me, please!)

I thought this was quite gripping at times. The more I got into it the more I got pulled into this man's head and what he was saying. It was very visual - your style of writing really made it come to life. I thought it read very much like a script - whether that's good or bad, I'm not sure, but I found it very effective. I could SEE this being performed and could picture the characters very well, in spite of the fact that you had given no physical description.

I had never seen him weep before, showing emotion is somthing men try to avoid.

This sentence really through me out of my little theatrical world as you suddenly barged onto the performance area with a huge personal generalisation (emotion is something men try to avoid). I wanted to throw a rotten egg and say 'GET OFF'!  ;D ;D - No, seriously, this was suddenly YOU talking rather than the characters, which came as a bit of a shock!

have I grown numb. I just wish I could feel more sorry for him.

I absolutely loved this doubt whether the narrator was actually just as numb as the other guy! Brilliant. I felt you could ALMOST make a little more of this, though - but being very careful not to 'tell' about this doubt -  it's wonderfully 'shown' here. Perhaps an 'Have I grown numb, too?' or 'Is it me who's numb?' or something like that ... I don't know - I'm sure someone else might have a suggestion

Great ending, though. Nice touch,