Author Topic: New: Hopefully final revision: first half ch 1: The Occasional Mistress  (Read 12453 times)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #30 on: November 25, 2010, 12:53:35 PM »
Thank you Temp - definitely - the words hollowed her is better - I'll nick that.

I need the date sequence because she lives in England, teaches, her boss attends the funeral [relevant later] and the speed with which they bury folk in NI hasn't allowed much time for all of this to come together.

Such an obvious one - Louise wished she wasn't there....duh! It'll go.

Just the guilt thing - feeling accused - because he was young and shouldn't have died and  to tie in with her feeling guilty about associating the date with her birthday, mistaking the looks on their faces because she hasn't experienced those before. Confusion on her part.

The birthday is relevant to other things she does come the anniversary.

Thanks again - you're good at spotting stuff. :) :) :)

Tempered

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #31 on: November 25, 2010, 12:57:41 PM »
Thank you for saying, Sio. I learn from every writer I read.

Offline WildCityWoman

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #32 on: November 25, 2010, 01:17:09 PM »
 Well, seeing as how you have 'edited' since the first post, I'm going by this copy. Don't like to read through the other comments - rather make my own observations first.

     “From dust we are made, unto dust we return,” said the minister with sombre tone as he ceremoniously strew crumbly earth into the hole containing Joseph William Kilpatrick.

Oh, I like that - into the hole. I guess some people would think that too raw a thing to say about a gravesite, but it's so honest.

     Mourners at the graveside tried to ignore their sweat and discomfort in the oppressive heat, regretting their decisions to adopt the conventional black ensemble.

I'm glad the wearing of black at funerals isn't in fashion anymore. Dark clothes, yes - well, you sure wouldn't go with jingle bells on your feet, which I almost did when I was 13. Just forgot to take them off my shoes, till my aunt pointed it out.

Your sentences seem a bit long; maybe you'll break them up.   

They had a look of anticipation upon their faces as if they were expecting her to do something, but just quite what, she couldn’t imagine.

. . . 'twould be ON their faces'. And I think you could say 'Anticipation showed on their faces, as if expecting her to do something. Just quite what that was, she couldn't imagine.

You might even think about saying 'Exactly what that was, she couldn't imagine.


Good funeral writing.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #33 on: November 25, 2010, 02:06:53 PM »
Thank you . [Northern Ireland Presbyterian funerals - still black.]

Offline WildCityWoman

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #34 on: November 25, 2010, 04:53:40 PM »
Oh, I didn't know that. I've seen people here in Canada go to funerals in jeans and t-shirt. Things have changed a lot.

There was a time women didn't go into a church without wearing a hat - I remember those days.


Offline 510bhan

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #35 on: November 25, 2010, 05:56:30 PM »
Still happens here - especially with Plymouth Brethren. I forgot to say thanks earlier - 'pologies - I'll fix those bits you caught. :D :D

awakenovel

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #36 on: November 27, 2010, 02:04:27 PM »
very nice piece!
the only thing that struck me was that you used the word "sombre" twice near the beginning. I'd probably replace one of them.
 ;D
melanie

Offline Strawberry

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #37 on: November 27, 2010, 02:51:55 PM »
I didn't pop in until this had reached page three, so I've only read the revised version, and I think it's quite good.  :)

I assume that 'J-dub' is a pet name that's going to be explained? lol

Offline Strawberry

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #38 on: November 27, 2010, 02:54:00 PM »

I'm glad the wearing of black at funerals isn't in fashion anymore. Dark clothes, yes - well, you sure wouldn't go with jingle bells on your feet, which I almost did when I was 13. Just forgot to take them off my shoes, till my aunt pointed it out.

[/color]

I always wear black to funerals.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #39 on: November 27, 2010, 03:04:18 PM »
I didn't pop in until this had reached page three, so I've only read the revised version, and I think it's quite good.  :)

I assume that 'J-dub' is a pet name that's going to be explained? lol

J-dub is how she refers to her husband - after his initials JW :)

Thanks for reading.

Offline Strawberry

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #40 on: November 27, 2010, 03:05:48 PM »
J-dub is how she refers to her husband - after his initials JW :)

Thanks for reading.

Oh, I see, 'dub' as in 'W'.  I don't know why I didn't get that, seeing as how I've heard people call George Bush 'G-dub' about a million times. lol

MrsButler

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #41 on: November 28, 2010, 10:22:04 AM »
510

A great piece.

The only thing I don't like is the repetiveness of dates...is it just me? ???
Perhaps  July 22nd was the day he died, the day after the last day of term, the following day  circled in a sun-faded ink...

Just a suggestion, feel free to ignore me!

Alison :)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #42 on: November 28, 2010, 11:04:51 AM »
Thanks for taking a look - there's been mixed reaction to the dates but they have to stay...essential to the plot.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #43 on: November 28, 2010, 11:49:36 AM »
Thanks for taking a look - there's been mixed reaction to the dates but they have to stay...essential to the plot.

That was my first impression of the dates. Things seem to revolved around the calender and the (former) plans for her birthday.

Great at showing how plans can be shifted on their axes Sio.

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Tempered

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Re: Revised Opening for The Occasional Mistress 563 words now
« Reply #44 on: November 28, 2010, 12:11:37 PM »
yay, a talk about those dates.

I keep looking at them. is it the repetitive full name of each day that caught me. I like that they were mentioned, shows how time can move and a future can change.

You mention that the dates are important later on in the story, but couldn't you make one date connect the others.

like her birthday. to me I think that para could start with right after the dirt thrown in and date.


July 24th, circled in sun-faded ink on Louise Kilpatrick’s kitchen calendar, was her fortieth birthday. She hadn’t anticipated her birthday party would be replaced by her husband’s wake. Her clammy hands fidgeting with the order of service made an ugly dog-ear on the paper that confirmed she was a widow.   

it exactly focuses the reader what's on her mind at that moment.

just my thoughts. This way you have a date to go to for all the days.