Author Topic: a short story  (Read 1622 times)

Offline MTV_poetasters

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a short story
« on: January 22, 2006, 07:42:57 PM »
       I sit by the pond. A slight ice sprawls over it looking for something to hold on to before its demise. I inhale a smoke, as a breath of wind parts my hair. I wonder " why is it that I can think here?". I take out a pencil and reach into my bag and take out a black book. The cover reads " life " I never put the title there, so I wonder how it came to be there. Its written in beautiful bronze cursive. Its kind of a bothering thought that someone may have read my journal. I often think about who might have written it. The author of the font must have the most delicate beautiful hands in the world.
    I hold my pen in hand and began to write. I write about my idea for a short story, I write about love, I write about time. I write what I see, and I see me, my slightly distorted reflection greats me from the icy water. I say “ what are you doing the water?” He shrugs his shoulders, he doesn’t mind the all the ice enveloping his body. He opens his mouth and my voice comes out, “ what are you doing there?” he says like I was the crazy one. “here? I’m safe, warm, on this rock I can think.” I say. He smiles “why not be dangerous, why not be cold, and why don’t you try to stop thinking so much?” he says. I thought for a little, “ Maybe your right, I cant live my life safe and warm and thinking. I need to live, I need to take risks, and I need to stop thinking so much.” I put my pen and book down. “ thats the spirit.” He says. The ice breaks open and his cold blue arm comes out from the water and reaches out to mine “ come with me.” he says softly. Without thinking twice, I grasp his, the gentle cold against the warmth of my hands creates a small amount of steam, and I am whisked away into the depths of the water.    
   It’s a like a dream, and when I reach the surface, I don’t remember anything of what I saw below the ice. I swim in place on the cold icy water trying to figure out what just happened. I girl walks up to the pond and sees me swimming. “ What are you doing in there?” she says curiously. I am not embarrassed. I laugh “ what are you doing up there?” she sits down on the rock, “well, I like it here.” She hugs herself. “Its safe, its warm, Its also a great place to just think.” I move closer to the shore, my head at the foot of the rock. “ Why don’t you try being dangerous, why don’t you try being cold, and why don’t try not thinking, why don’t you try just living?” she looks down into my eyes. “ I haven’t looked at it like that before, maybe your right.” I put my hand out to hers. She drops a bronze pen. Her hand is warm, soft, it is the most beautiful I have ever seen. I don’t need to ask, because I know. I could feel that it’s her. She pulls me out of the water. I am cold and wet, but she lets me sit next to her anyway creating a puddle of pond water wetting her lose fit pants. “ So wh”- she begins to say, I interrupt. I take a risk. “I love you.” I say, without worry or thought. “ I love you too”

so I just wrote this, so it is probably full of mistakes. feel free to be critical.

Offline mary

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Re: a short story
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2006, 03:09:54 PM »
Hi MTV,

 Gosh, you posted this on the 23rd  and today is the 31st and I see that you have not had a response yet. Oh Dear! So for what it's worth here are my comments. Your story sounds like an ethereal dreaming sequence. If you could weave this into some kind of mystery story, it would be a nice bit to include in the greater tale. Ignoreing the technical stuff, which I'm not qualified to advise, I'd say that you could expand on this bit of dreamy mind wondering. Write more and hope you continue to share.  :) mary

Dale Rhodes

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Re: a short story
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2006, 04:24:52 PM »
Hello MTV,

I agree with mary, there is dreamy, etherial feel to this piece, which definately could be expanded upon.
From the technical side, you need to separate the dialogue. Each speaker should begin his/her dialogue with a new paragraph. This makes it clear to the reader who's speaking, and also allows for a dynamic to be built up between characters.
Nicely done.