Author Topic: a new writer's first attempt, please take a look...  (Read 1524 times)

Offline Georgette

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a new writer's first attempt, please take a look...
« on: July 02, 2006, 03:42:46 PM »
Please take a look, family members will never be completely honest, thank you! x

He watched intently.
Curving himself into the darkness of the gnarled oak tree.
He covered himself from the bright warm sun, breathing in the smell of the nearby bakers and the passing scent of the late summer bloom.
Today would be marked eternally in his memory, because today was the day he finally laid his gaze upon the most beautiful being he had ever seen, this vision had him fused to the spot, a burning consciousness running through his veins like an intoxicating drug. This sensation had only ever been felt in turns of anger, not of lust.
Or love.
His future had finally arrived, she was beautiful, moving with such poise and grace. She was as beautiful as her photos, if not more.
Radiant.
This day had been a long time coming but he knew it would have come eventually even if she hadn't.
Mopping the sweat from his brow; a concoction of the days developing heat and his brewing desires taking hold of him.
Lighting the cheap cigarette that he had pulled from his pocket, he inhaled deeply, allowing the hot tendrils of smoke to filter through his lungs, his body instantly released.
He smiled coolly, losing himself in the movements of his deity, she lifted boxes from a large removal van while reciting rooms as to where the boxes should go to the people around her, although he barely noticed their presence.
She stretched to take hold of a box, her pale green polo shirt rising high to reveal a small scar arcing across her stomach; tracing his finger in the air along the deft shape, he made an involuntary breath and pulled back under the tree as her eyes wandered across the side-walk.
Her sun-flecked hair tumbled down her neck brushing across her shoulders; he lowered his gaze to her also sun-kissed legs. Yearning fought inside him causing a rift between his heart and his head. He gnawed his teeth together, berating himself for feeling this way; it wasn't his nature to be weak to passions and desire.
He closed his eyes to filter the mass of information running through his brain. It was his time. He had spent too long of his pitiful life being told what to do. It was time to take make himself number one. The orders would stop. He was stronger now. Hell! He had been strong all along. He now just had something to fight for. 
Fighting the temptation to walk over there and introduce himself, he knew she too well that she was a woman who would not settle for second best.
Everything will be perfect, plans will be made, desires explored, the final affair will be created so incredulously that when the uniting of their souls befalls, she will see the devotion held in her suitor.
He stepped out into the sun squinting as the light hit his eyes. A rush of September air hit his lungs causing a hastened breath. Although the air was warm he pulled his jacket collar to cover his face in case of watchful eyes.
Glancing over his shoulder to take a last look at the beauty, he could see her struggling with a heavy box and it took all his restraint to run over and help her carry it.
The feeling of worry and sensitivity was soon taken over by anger as a large man stepped beside her to take the object from her, jealousy then rushed through his head.
Soon.

Risca

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Re: a new writer's first attempt, please take a look...
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2006, 03:50:28 PM »
Dear Georgette,

You definitly have a writing talent! You write with passion, and your work is both captivating and unique. Your first few lines pulled me in and the imigary you have used is excellent.

What more can I say? I can't fault it! Make sure you continue with this; it's brilliant! (Sorry this is short)
Keep us posted.

Risca xxx

Offline Georgette

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Re: a new writer's first attempt, please take a look...
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2006, 03:55:36 PM »
Thank you so much, as the first review from someone who is not related to me. I am very much, overwhelmed that somebody liked it!!

Georgie

Offline Writers Block

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Re: a new writer's first attempt, please take a look...
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2006, 06:32:58 PM »
Very good, it flows very well indeed.

Quote
He watched intently.
- great opening line, grabs the reader - perhaps makes the reader expect something different or at least pause for thought.  All the more effective because of this.


Quote
This day had been a long time coming but he knew it would have come eventually even if she hadn't.
"This day had been a long time coming but he knew it would have come eventually, even if she hadn't." - comma inserted.


Quote
He smiled coolly, losing himself in the movements of his deity, she lifted boxes from a large removal van while reciting rooms as to where the boxes should go to the people around her, although he barely noticed their presence.
"He smiled coolly, losing himself in the movements of his deity.  She lifted boxes from a large removal van while reciting rooms as to where the boxes should go to the people around her, although he barely noticed their presence." - full stop inserted, new sentence "She lifted..."


Quote
Her sun-flecked hair tumbled down her neck brushing across her shoulders; he lowered his gaze to her also sun-kissed legs. Yearning fought inside him causing a rift between his heart and his head. He gnawed his teeth together, berating himself for feeling this way; it wasn't his nature to be weak to passions and desire.
"Her sun-flecked hair tumbled down her neck brushing across her shoulders.  He lowered his gaze to her also sun-kissed legs, yearning fought inside him causing a rift between his heart and his head. He gnawed his teeth together, berating himself for feeling this way; it wasn't his nature to be weak to passions and desire." - personally I would put a foolstop/period after 'shoulders' and comma prior to yearning.  I think it reads better - too many semi colons can be detrimental.  I have left the other semi-colon in, however my personal preference would be to loose it, comma or period - but it's your writing.


Quote
Fighting the temptation to walk over there and introduce himself, he knew she too well that she was a woman who would not settle for second best.
- i presume 'he knew she too well that she - should be 'he knew her too well that she' '
If so, I'd do it like this: 'He fighting the temptation to walk over there and introduce himself.  He knew her too well, she was a woman who would not settle for second best.'


Quote
Everything will be perfect, plans will be made, desires explored, the final affair will be created so incredulously that when the uniting of their souls befalls, she will see the devotion held in her suitor.
I would give the first part more emphasis: 'Everything will be perfect.  Plans will be made.  Desires explored.' - this is a time to use semi colon to seperate them out if you prefer - 'Everything will be perfect; plans will be made; desires explored.'
Everything will be perfect.  Plans will be made.  Desires explored.  The final affair will be created so incredulously that when the uniting of their souls befalls, she will see the devotion held in her suitor. - I am not sure about your choice of word 'incredulously', however you know where you are going, and the personalities of the two characters - possibly use miraculously. Although I am not keen on that either, it bothers me for some reason. ??? I think perhaps change the wording slightly 'The final affair will be so miraculous' - but it depends on other factors I am probably unaware of.


I suspect I am looking at a psychopath, or Sociopath - if that is the case, then slight changes may be needed to portray him properly?

My firsts thoughts were maybe its love at first sight, then I got indications of something a little more sinister - as though something is not quite right.  It is portrayed very well, but a couple of your words may need considering.

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline Lightbulb

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Re: a new writer's first attempt, please take a look...
« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2006, 09:23:57 PM »
Hey, I thought it was good. I wonder if you weren't willing to accept the praise your family because they were your family.

Anyway, it pulled me in, it really did, it had the feel of a fantasy novel until it was apparent that it was set in modern times. Just like WB I kinda thought it was love at first sight and then my perception changed to psychopath/stalker. I think it has definite possiblities, do you have any ideas on where it's going to go?

Offline Nekonron

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Re: a new writer's first attempt, please take a look...
« Reply #5 on: July 02, 2006, 11:06:51 PM »
Yeah it really does pull you in to read more after the first few lines. It made me curious on who that person was, why he was looking at the girl and what kind of relationship do they have since he's seen pictures of her before. I like it :)

Offline Srednivashtar

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Re: a new writer's first attempt, please take a look...
« Reply #6 on: July 03, 2006, 03:39:04 AM »
You really have a gift with language. Beautiful language and prose style is one of the main things I enjoy in my reading and you've really accomplished that here.

One thing I really liked was the way you evoked a sense of smell earlier in the piece "...breathing in the smell of the nearby bakers and the passing scent of the late summer bloom." Personally i'd like to see this explored further, as smell is a much-undervalued sensation in writing yet can have such a strong impact. Maybe be a bit more specific. Does he smeel sugary pastries from the bakeries or the heavy scent of yeast? What sory of flowers are blooming?