Author Topic: Your help is needed! Please! (Edited version)  (Read 908 times)

Offline jenwriter

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Your help is needed! Please! (Edited version)
« on: September 15, 2010, 01:38:57 PM »
This is an article for a Youth Magazine. Please help me to improve this and English is my second language pardon me for my errors.


Pressing the snooze button for the third time in a row, finally I got off the bed at 4.30am. My heavy eyes begged for more sleep. I desperately wanted to call off this trip to Kandy. However, knowing the consequences of missing this trip, I pushed myself to the washroom. ‘Never play with your career’ dad’s voice echoed in my head. Rushing through the packing, ironing and dressing, I was ready in the nick of time.

 “Dad! Dad! We are late!”
“Jana! I waited for you for almost half an hour now. You are the one who is late” He replied.
“Oh never mind! Let us go now. Bye Amma! Bye Malli!” I rushed to the car. “Did you take the things you need?” Amma inquired and as usually, Dad worried himself about my financial status. I nodded and waved at Amma as the car approached the main road.  

“Oh! What made you late?” Questioned my workmates. “My dad got late to get ready” I stuttered. “Can we please start the journey now,” Annoyance of a colleague stopped further inquiries. “Wait wait!” I interrupted. “Before we start, I need to drink some water and go to the washroom,” I begged. “Hurry up then,” Shouted the workmate in-charge of the trip. I shoved my hand into the bag to take the bottle out. Strange, I cannot find it. Slowly unpacking everything in it, I inspected every corner of the bag. In no time, I realized my precious bottle of water is missing. For a moment, cursing me for being careless, I tried to think of the long day ahead without the bottle. “Oh! I have left my water bottle,” I announced. “Don’t worry, we’ll give you water,” a friend assured.

“But, we cannot stop anywhere to buy a bottle,” Ignoring the voice of the in-charge I fretted for the bottle, ‘Drinking water to my heart’s content is impossible from another ones bottle!’ As the day passed all my thoughts revolved around the water bottle. It made me thirstier than any of the other days.

Lost in my thoughts, back in the bus, I heard someone calling the driver, “Prasanna.” “Issaraha kohenhari navaththanna vathura bothalayak ganna (stop somewhere to buy a water bottle),” The voice ordered. I sighed with a relief and grinned at my colleagues. “Thank you,” I murmured. “How can we be cruel to the damsel in distress?” Said one of the workmates.

“Though we habitually drink bottled water, it is not a healthy choice, you know?” With another grin, I initiated a serious conversation. “Why?” Inquired many. “Those bottles are carcinogenic,” I voiced for an expert. “Carcinogenic? What is the meaning of that?” Someone inquired. “It can cause cancer. The water bottles available in shops are PET bottles. These PET bottles contain a potentially carcinogenic element known as DEHA, which is a cancer-causing chemical agent.,” I tried to sound danger.

 “Two years ago I interviewed a physician interested in this subject, Dr. Waruna Gunethilake. He said that plastic could leak out chemicals that can cause cancer and many more health risks.” Whispering broke the silent in the bus.  Plastic bottles have become one of the essentials in our day-to-day life. It is easy to carry, readily available and cheap to buy too. The astonishment on my workmates’ faces was understandable.

“Tests have shown that these chemicals can promote breast cancer in humans and decrease sperm count in rats. The most important thing is when the plastic puts on hard use and exposed to high temperature, like microwaves, hot liquids, and direct sunlight, even refrigeration, these chemicals leak out.” They gazed at me with their startled eyes. I continued. “Repeated washing and rinsing can cause the plastic molecules to break easily. They are not visible to the naked eye, but are just micro-breaks. Thin bottles can leak more chemicals.” I explained the gravity of it.

“So, what you say is not to use plastic water bottles from now on?”
“You can use, but make sure you are disposing them after using once,” I advised. The rest of the journey was a silent one. I assumed that thoughts about the use of plastic bottles kept them busy. Something worth a mention is when you are buying a water bottle for everyday use check the number underneath the bottle within a triangle with arrows - commonly known as a recycling symbol. If it says seven, then go for it. According to Dr. Gunethilake, these types of plastic contain a coating inside the container, which prevents leaking chemicals. However, you must keep in mind that all plastics can leak chemicals under certain conditions. As a rule of thumb, do not subject even the most durable plastics to high temperatures. Do not ever drink water from bottles, which kept in the vehicle on hot and sunny days. After all, your health should come before the convenience.
« Last Edit: September 16, 2010, 01:50:56 PM by jenwriter »
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Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Your help is needed! Please!
« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2010, 02:20:44 PM »
Maybe I can help you with one thing. I can’t spot spelling errors or problems with a person’s punctuation, however, this may help you.

Whenever you jump from one character’s voice and or quote, to another, add a line break. This will click with the reader and help form the mental picture as to who is speaking.
Example:

Bob couldn’t wait to get going. “Speed it up guys, it’s almost a quarter past the hour.”

Sandy shook her finger at him. “You’re the fool that kept hitting the snooze button, not me.”

“No I didn’t.”

“If it wasn’t me or wood-elves, then who?”

Bob realized it was his fault but didn’t want to admit it. “We ain’t got time for this, we’re late.
….

Anyway, that’s my example. The line break quickly shows a transition from Bob to Sandy and back again.

Skip

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Your help is needed! Please!
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2010, 02:24:15 PM »
Janan, before you ask other to critique this for you, you really should print it out and read it aloud to yourself.  

I only read the first two paragraphs and found; words that didn't belong where they were, places that needed words that weren't there, proper names that are not capitalized and commas in the wrong places.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, but you really should do your best before asking others to help.
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Offline jenwriter

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Re: Your help is needed! Please!
« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2010, 08:54:36 PM »
Thank you! I read through again and did some changes. Today I'm not in the best writing mood, but still I have to send the article. Please see if the changes are ok. I'm worried about having to use 'I' many times. But I don't know how to change that either. Please let me know how do you like this piece.

Thanks again.
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Offline Kowboy

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Re: Your help is needed! Please!
« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2010, 10:53:59 PM »
janani66:

There's really not much here. Getting a rough start and missing a water bottle. Who cares?

Kowboy

Offline jenwriter

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Re: Your help is needed! Please! (Edited version)
« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2010, 01:44:41 PM »
Ok! I edited again. Hopefully now it reads a little better.
By the end of August, I'll go one step forward as a writer... I do my best to improve as a good writer...