Author Topic: Prologue - please feel free to comment (content not for kids)  (Read 4846 times)

Offline GlennQ

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Prologue - please feel free to comment (content not for kids)
« on: January 22, 2006, 02:42:43 PM »
Hi -

I plan to use this as the prologue for my first novel, which I am hopeful I shall publish this year.  I did modify it in the light of some kind comments from a colleague on another newbie site.  Hope you like it.

Regards,

Glenn

                                                                            PROLOGUE

The noise was like the meeting of a five-pound hammer and a melon - a wet thud.  Blood and scalp flesh spattered across the snow.  The wind carried mutterings away on its frozen breath as the man's corpse was dragged away through the snow.

In a cavern two hours away, sharp rock scraped across fresh bone.

  COPYRIGHT G.  D.  Quelch, 2006

Offline Symphony

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Re: Prologue - please feel free to comment (content not for kids)
« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2006, 03:38:39 PM »
Hello there,

Well, you've certainly no problem in getting straight to the point!!! Great!

My only misgiving is that you have 'carried away', 'dragged away' and 'two hours away' all in the space of those two paragraphs. The repetition of that word actually slows down the fantastic pace you've built up.

You could delete the second away without taking away from the meaning - "... man's corpse was draged through the snow."

And what about something like 'In a cavern two hours hence, sharp rock ...'??

What do you think? Please don't take my word for it! This is just what occurred to me on first reading ...

Looking forward to reading more ...

Symphony

Offline GlennQ

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Re: Prologue - please feel free to comment (content not for kids)
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2006, 04:03:00 PM »
Hi,

thankyou for the kind comments - just after posting, I did just that - revised to the following:  I do think it works better...

Regards,

Glenn


The noise was like the meeting of a five-pound hammer and a melon - a wet thud.  Blood and scalp flesh spattered across the snow.  The wind carried mutterings on its frozen breath as the man's corpse was dragged away.

In a distant cavern, sharp rock scraped across fresh bone.


Offline goldanon

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Re: Prologue - please feel free to comment (content not for kids)
« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2006, 01:40:00 AM »
I agree with Symphony - very nice!  It gets right to the point, and would certainy drag me into the story.  And the re-write is much better, Taking out that 'away'  in the beginning of that sentence adds emphasis to your metaphor, "The wind carried mutterings on its frozen breath," (which I love by the way -  sounds lke the wind is in tune with the drudgery at hand.)

Offline Symphony

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Re: Prologue - please feel free to comment (content not for kids)
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2006, 06:49:35 AM »
ooooooooooo - I think that's much punchier now! Gives me the shivers!

Excellent

Symphony

Offline Linda Aitchison

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Re: Prologue - please feel free to comment (content not for kids)
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2006, 09:44:52 AM »
Yes I agree it certainly gets to the point.

For me I think the prospect of blood on snow makes me think I'd like to read a visual description of how that blood spattered on the snow - the deep red contrasting with the white and feel that if you could add an evocative image of the colours merging then that would be a welcome addition.

I personally also feel that it would be good to put in an adjective to say more about the man - was he young or old? But would this lessen the suspense?

Lastly I wondered if there were too many 'the's and the one as in 'the snow' could be replaced with fresh, virgin, deep or melting...

Just my thoughts. Good luck.
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