Author Topic: Fairy Tales... for Today!  (Read 3879 times)

Offline FairyTaleWriter

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Fairy Tales... for Today!
« on: January 22, 2006, 01:26:53 PM »
Hi everyone,

I'm been toying with the idea of writing an updated version of popular fairy tales... and I've just put finger to keyboard. It's only a little toy project amidst my usual serious writing. What do you think?

My first story -- an interesting take on Little Red Riding Hood -- can be found below. I'd envision a few dozen stories, of around three A4 pages each. In my mind it's suitable for one of those stocking filler parody books that tend to fill gift sections at Waterstones.

What do you think? Please be honest. Market or no market? Funny or... "uhmmm"?

Thank you!

============

Once upon a time, there lived a little girl called Little Red Riding Hood, who lived on the edge of a large and scary forest, far, far away.

The little girl also had a grandmother, as most of us do. And her grandmother lived deep inside the forest, where property prices were low.

One day, Little Red Riding Hood decided to visit her grandmother to take fresh supplies from her local Greggs.

Skipping through the woods in her short crimson skirt and fishnet tights, Little Red Riding Hood stumbled across a great big, and presumably evil, wolf.

“Oh my!” cried Red Riding Hood.

“Where are off to this morning?” snarled the wolf. For this was an intelligent wolf that had spent many years mastering the nuances of the English language.

“I’m off to take this egg custard to my grandmother,” explained Red Riding Hood. “She is indeed very ill”

The wolf was a clever wolf indeed. He realized that with a little planning, he could eat Little Red Riding Hood for starters, the grandmother as a main course, and an egg custard for pudding.

“Then, pray, let me help you!” insisted the wolf.

“Oh, would you?” said Red Riding Hood. “My grandmother would really appreciate that!”

With logic no-one else will ever understand, Red Riding Hood paired with the wolf and continued to walk deeper into the heart of the woods. Soon, they came to a fork in the clearing.

“Oh, here’s a fork in the clearing!” exclaimed Red Riding Hood.

The wolf, frustrated at the banal conversation thus far, suggested the two depart: “I have an idea, my dearest lady. Why don’t you take that path to your grandmother’s house, and I take this one?”

Poor Little Red Riding Hood, high on breasts yet low on neurons, once again believed this to be a simply marvellous idea.

She eagerly skipped off down the longer route, while the wolf pleasantly strolled down the much shorter path to the grandmother’s cottage. He’d been there before, you see.

Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother was sitting in her gay cottage, quietly exercising to her gay “Lorraine Kelly’s Fitness Workout” in her gay Lycra bottoms.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. The grandmother paused the DVD and stared through the peephole. It was the dreaded wolf! Recognizing the creature, she decided to climb out of the back window and run through the woods – particularly because the back door was locked.

The wolf’s gruff voice shouted from behind the door: “Benefits Agency!”

Some days later, that same door heard another more effeminate voice.

“Grandmother! This is your granddaughter, Little Red Riding Hood, and I’ve brought a truly wonderful meal”

Should her grandmother have been inside the small cottage, she may have wondered exactly what took Little Red Riding Hood so. However the hoarse voice inside knew the true reason for her delay.

“My dear Little Red Riding Hood, please come in!”

The little girl entered. Inside the small cottage, the wolf had somehow managed to fit inside the grandmother’s clothes and lay inside her bed, reading a Mills & Boon classic.

“Hello dearest grandmama!” said the considerably long-sighted Red Riding Hood, skipping across to the bed and kissing the wolf’s hairy cheek. “Today I’ve brought you a slightly mouldy egg custard”

“How wonderful!” replied the wolf, increasingly enjoying his time in the grandmother’s clothing. For the wolf did not have a wife and needed to express his needs in a way only the woods would discover.

“You must tell me that the Benefits Agency hasn’t stopped by yet!” said Red Riding Hood. “Your incapacity benefit pays for our family four, as you know, my dear grandmama. My work as a Lady of the Night pays little”

The wolf made mental notes. He was really a very, very clever wolf.

Then Little Red Riding Hood stroked her wolf’s arms.

“My, grandmama, what great arms you have!” she cried with surprise.

Dirty whore, thought the wolf. He knew she wanted it.

“All the better for hugging you with, my dear!” innocently explained the wolf.

Her wandering hands crept down toward the wolf’s legs.

“My, grandmama, what great legs you have!” exclaimed Little Red Riding Hood.

“All the better for sitting on your face with,” is what the wolf wanted to reply. However he merely ejaculated: “All the better to run with, my dear!”

The hands continued to explore every orifice of the wolves body.

“My, grandmama, what great ears you have!” said Little Red Riding Hood.

She knows. She really knows, thought the wolf.

He replied: “All the better to see you with!” Which helps explain his level of conversational concentration.

“My, grandmama, what great eyes you have!” said Little Red Riding Hood.

“Please take your fingers out of my eyes,” requested the wolf.

“My, grandmama, what a great big tail you have!” teased Little Red Riding Hood.

The wolf had heard of this bitch before. Getting a Little Red Riding wasn’t just an accomplishment, it her work ethic.

Unable to contain himself longer, the big bad wolf jumped out of his bed and used his great lips to kiss Little Red Riding Hood, whose own lips were already thoroughly moist.

But before you could say “public servant violation,” the front door swung open and in strode a huge woodcutter. Seconds later, the grandmother walked into the room panting. She was already several days late, mainly due to an en-route gambling incident involving a tortoise and a hare.

Disturbed by the panting, the great big bad wolf swung around to see an axe hurtling toward him. With frightened eyes, he let out a huge scream and ran straight outside the door and was never to be seen again.

The axe did slight damage to Little Red Riding Hood, but it didn’t really matter. Everyone soon forgot about her missing arm and brief fling with bestiality.

Her grandmother thanked the big woodcutter, promising to do anything in repayment of his courage, and they all shared the delicious egg custard. Once again, things were happy in Essex forest.

“So what have we learned today?” asked the grandmother.

“I think it’s multi-pronged,” explained Little Red Riding Hood, ever excited at using her favourite word. “I learned to be more careful with strangers. And I discovered that sometimes people whom we believe to be close relatives are really plotting against us”

“Yeah,” replied the disgruntled grandmother. “And never bet on a fuckin’ hare.”

With that, sweet Little Red Riding Hood took the woodcutter’s hand and walked him back to his own cottage. It was repayment time.
« Last Edit: December 30, 2006, 08:59:49 PM by karlmoore »

Offline GlennQ

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Re: Fairy Tales... for Today!
« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2006, 02:20:55 PM »
Terrific!

keep going - I adore this type of modernisation of supposedly sacrosanct tales!  I don't really have any technical comments to make , other than just let it flow whilst your obviously excellent creativity is working well - you can fine-tune and edit later.  I don't know whether you know of the author Tom Holt?  I have recently read a book of his entitled "Snow White and the Seven Samurai" - a similar, albeit much more surreal take on faery stories.

Maybe you might like to consider a longer treatment of this - into a book of faery stories for (un)grown-ups perhaps...

Anyway, best ofluck,

Glenn

Offline Symphony

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Re: Fairy Tales... for Today!
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2006, 03:30:17 PM »
Hello there,

I really enjoyed this. I've read a few modernised versions of fairytales and some are very refreshing and some are truly awful (usually the ones trying to be politically correct and destroying the whole point of the story). This was fun. Just a couple of little things that jumped out at me on first reading:


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there lived a little girl called Little Red Riding Hood, who lived on the edge of a large


'lived' x 2 in the first sentence is distracting

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“Where are off to this morning?” snarled the wolf. For this was an intelligent wolf that had spent many years mastering the nuances of the English language.

I hope you don't mind that I HOWLED at this!! How lovely - he mastered all the nuances except for basic grammar??  ;D ;D ;D  (there's a word missing in his question!!)   ;D ;D

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high on breasts yet low on neurons,


OK - so what age were you pitching at again?  ;D  This is a fantastic line - but not one that I'd read to my youngest!!

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Lorraine Kelly’s Fitness Workout
Just a thought - naming it 'Lorraine Kelly's' DVD takes the timelessness away from your work, limits it to a particular 'time' - same with Mills & Boon, etc.

That's it. Good fun,

Symphony




Offline goldanon

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Re: Fairy Tales... for Today!
« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2006, 02:08:27 AM »
I thought it was funny - very funny.  I hope they are all as enjoyable.  As Symphony said, using Lorrane Kelly's DVD and Mills & Boon classic would give it a specific time-frame, but what's more, neither reference would be understood in this country (USA - why limit your market?).  It is easy enough to assume that one is a work-out DVD and the other a book, but I don't know if they are considerd the best or if the Mills & Boon is a "blue book" and I have a feeling they stand for more than just a DVD and book.  By this I don't mean that the piece wouldn't be enjoyed ANYWAY, because I enjoyed it thoroughly, without knowing, but I probably missed out...