Author Topic: Help required with dialogue - the bad guy seeks like minded individuals  (Read 2218 times)

Offline Writers Block

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Smuggs has just been release from prison, convincing all he isn't the bad guy.  Making his way 'home', he changed his mind, he required some assistance.

Exert from Chapter Three:

Pausing for a moment, Smuggs decided to head for a certain part of town, less salubrious, less safe, more fun.  More useful.  His attire was a poor fit, courtesy of being borrowed, and of lesser quality than normal.  It would serve its purpose, allowing him to blend in.  With a careful glance about he turned down a narrower, dirtier alley heading for the tavern at the end.

Hale & Hearty was a rough kind of place, with a name completely at odds with what one could expect from it's inhabitants.
Conversation faltered when the door opened, as the stranger stepped in it ceased altogether.  Smuggs looked around confidently, as though seeking something in particular.  Apparently finding what he sought, he headed for the only empty table in the place.  Sitting down with his back to the wall, he summoned the nervous serving wench.

“Ale, don't water it down and put it in a clean tankard,” he instructed, his eyes continuing to sweep the room.

“Be right back.”

A few moment later the serving wench returned with his drink.  Smuggs tossed a few coins on the table, otherwise he ignored both her and his drink.

“Soo, you demand a clean pot, like you 'fraid o' catchin' summat.  Then you don't e'en bother takin' a drink.  Our ale not good'nough for ' likes o' you?”  The stranger's sibilant tones preceded him to the place opposite Smuggs.

“You after something?”

“I think 'tis more o' what you 'r afta.”  The stranger waited in silence whilst Smuggs studied him carefully.  “Like what ya see?”  The Stranger smiled, hideously.  His appearance giving lie to any possibility of even his mother being able to love a face such as his.  “Don't let ma luvly visage fool ya.”

“Ha,” Smuggs' bark of laughter caused a momentary break in the conversation around them.  However, the tension unnoticed until then lessened somewhat.  “I never do.”

The stranger leaned forward.

“If you have need of my services,” he began, all traces of his accent strangely absent.  “Then we should arrange somewhere a little more private.”

“First give me your name.”  Smuggs looked calmly at the stranger, no emotion or any signs of impatience visible.

“Very well, Oddze I be.  In a few moments speak to the barkeep, he'll pass you through.”

Smuggs silently agreed, he was very odd.  Watching Oddze depart he felt that he would have what he needed.  If not, well accidents happened all the time in this part of the City.  Should things continue as they were, then they would happen more frequently in other parts of the City also, he thought with satisfaction. ;D
« Last Edit: June 29, 2006, 03:05:42 AM by Writers Block »
I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline Donnettetxgirl

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WB, the dialogue is moving the story along, which is good. However, your one character seems to use heavy slang. It's good to a certain degree, cause it shows character, but I would lighten it up a bit. Some of what he is saying is hard to read and understand.

Donnette

Offline pkjazz

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WB,

I do agree with Donnette concerning the slang.  I too found it a bit hard to follow.
I must say though, that this particular piece of the story moves along quite well.  I always enjoy a story that leaves me wondering what is going to happen.  This piece does a wonderful job of doing just that.

Overall, I think this is a great start.  I couldn't find anything wrong with the structure of your dialogue,
and I thnk it definately has potential.

Great job!  Can't wait to see where this goes.

~PK

Offline wtbay

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Nicely done!  I agree that too much more of the slang would have put me off but when he drops it altogether and we realize that this not what we expected ( a typical tavern brawl) I was completely hooked!

Is Smuggs after revenge?  Has he been set up?  Or has he stumbled onto something much bigger?    I really want to know!  This is the best part of being an author I guess - - total control of the reader ( if ya do it right) until the last page and then they hate that the story's over!   :) What's better than that!?!

I really can't find anything to critique except:

"A few moment later the serving wench returned with his drink."

 I would drop the second reference to serving wench as redundant and just use 

"A few moment later she returned with his drink."

A little goes a long way with the word wench!

Really great read- - keep it going!

 :) Wendie

Offline Writers Block

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Thank you all for your comments, agree with the second use of wench - it sounds much better without.

I am also reviewing the use of slang - it has a purpose, but it is pointless if it's too hard to read - will try to balance the two.  ;D

Thx again.

Forgot to say, another couple of posts realting to the story - the opening scene of chapter one, and a combined fight scene, and meeting of hero and heroine in chapter two.

I have also decided on a title - subject to change obviously but I quite like "The Assassin and the The Lord".

« Last Edit: June 29, 2006, 02:21:21 PM by Writers Block »
I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline Donnettetxgirl

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WB, I wouldn't change the use of the word wench, myself. It gives your story a sense of the era you are writting about.

Donnette

Offline Writers Block

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Hi Donne

Sorry I didn't make it clear.

I will remove the second use of wench as it is superfluous.  Flows better without.

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline writerfox

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I think that this has the makings of a good story.  I like the slang usage, but it is a tad bit overdone.  Good job, friend.

Offline Writers Block

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Thx writerfox,

Have changed a few of the ' for letters to tone it down slightly.

I must admit, it made me pause a little - that should really have told me it was too much.

Thx all for comments - keep em coming. :P

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline Tyger

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Beautifully written, especially the first paragraph!

When he orders the ale, I would leave out the line of the serving wench (Be right back) and instead start the next line with "When the serving wench returned with his drink..."

And I add my voice to the comments about the slang. I tend to skip heavy slang in a book, and if there is too much of it, I'll not read the book.

Please keep going! It's intriguing and I like your style.

Telcontar

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Hi Writer's Block,

I liked this, and I didn't have any problem with the 'Slang'. On the contrary, I thought it gave a far better description of both the place and Oddze than an actual description could have done. I'd already decided for myself that Oddze did indeed look odd, before Smuggs did.

Just some minor point I felt with punctuation; one or two of the full stops (Periods) made it stutter a bit. I've had a quick go at it, see what you think:



Pausing for a moment, Smuggs decided to head for a certain part of town, less salubrious, less safe; more fun, more useful. His attire, of lesser quality than usual and a poor fit, both curtesy of being borrowed, never the less proved useful; it allowed him to blend in. With a careful glance about he turned down a narrower, dirtier alley heading for the tavern at the end.


The 'Hale & Hearty' was a rough kind of place, with a name completely at odds with what one could expect from it's inhabitants.
Conversation faltered when the door opened; as the stranger stepped in it ceased altogether.  Smuggs looked around confidently, as though seeking something in particular.  Apparently finding what he sought, he headed for the only empty table in the place.  Sitting down with his back to the wall, he summoned the nervous serving wench.

“Ale, don't water it down and put it in a clean tankard,” he instructed, his eyes continuing to sweep the room.

“Be right back.”

A few moment later the serving wench returned with his drink.  Smuggs tossed a few coins on the table, otherwise he ignored both her and his drink.

“Soo, you demand a clean pot, like you 'fraid o' catchin' summat.  Then you don't e'en bother takin' a drink.  Our ale not good'nough for ' likes o' you?”  The stranger's sibilant tones preceded him to the place opposite Smuggs.

“You after something?”

“I think 'tis more o' what you 'r afta.”  The stranger waited in silence whilst Smuggs studied him carefully.  “Like what ya see?”  The Stranger smiled hideously, his appearance giving lie to any possibility of even his mother being able to love a face such as his.  “Don't let ma luvly visage fool ya.”

“Ha!” Smuggs' bark of laughter caused a momentary break in the conversation around them and the tension, unnoticed until then, lessened somewhat.  “I never do.”

The stranger leaned forward.

“If you have need of my services,” he began, all traces of his accent strangely absent,  “Then we should arrange somewhere a little more private.”

“First give me your name.”  Smuggs looked calmly at the stranger, no emotion or any signs of impatience visible.

“Very well, Oddze I be.  In a few moments speak to the barkeep, he'll pass you through.”

Watching Oddze depart, Smuggs thought that whoever had named him had got it right; he was very odd indeed, though he also felt he would have what he needed. If not, well accidents happened all the time in this part of the City.  Should things continue as they were, then they would happen more frequently in other parts of the City also, he thought with satisfaction.

Just a personal view of the way it reads to me, please feel free to shred my ideas...


Dave.


Offline Writers Block

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@ Telcontar

Very goog comments, thank you for the time.  Will take a bit to determine exactly what I think with your suggestions, punctuation makes my teech itch, my head ache, and me cry.  It's just the worst part, but so important.


@ Tyger

Thank you /blush

I see what you mean about the 'wench', I will play about with that part, see if anything I can do alters it.

I have toned the slang down very slightly, although I've not posted it, that chapter has been printed, ready for first printed draft.  No major changes will happen now before I have actually finished.

For me the slang gives an insight into the character, his deviousness, and adds 'flesh' to the story.  However, I don't want it to be too much, that people will be put off.

Thank you both again, for your comments.

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.