Author Topic: A new past  (Read 4066 times)

Offline fatoonch

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 99
A new past
« on: January 18, 2010, 06:42:49 AM »
Due to an increase in witness protection murders and an ensuing cutback in the amount of new deals, the gov't brings in author, Robert Styling, to rewrite a very important client's life. Anglelo Farelo is a former member of the biker gang, Florand, and has just testified against the gang's hierarchy in return for witness protection. Robert sits at his desk sorting through notes and typing at a snails pace, occasionally sipping from his brandy. He looks up at a framed photo of himself from his youth and daydreams for a minute, before picking up his drink and trotting up the stairs to bed. He is greeted by his wife, Eileen, who looks up at him in her old fashioned dressing gown and smiles genuinely.

Eileen - All finished.

Robert - Yeah(pause) Gee I'm a bit nervous though. It hasn't hit me up until now, but I think I'm confident.

Eileen - You should be. I believe in you. The government obviously believes in you, and Angelo Farelo will believe in you. Not many people could pass the phsycological tests you did to get the job, especially writers.

Robert - You knew we were all writers applying for the job. Besides, we're not all crazy; just a little eccentric.

Eileen - That's right, you did tell me that. Look, I don't mean anything by it. You're a pleasant kind of crazy.

Robert - Well on a more unpleasant note (he gets up and goeas over to the bookshelf annd leafs through a row of volumes) You know the old saying " you're only as good as your last novel".

Eileen - As cliche's go that's not too bad.

Robert - Well it has been four years since my last novel.

Eileen - So, it got some good reviews.

Robert - I haven't written more than fifty pages and nothing continuous since it was released. It's as if I've traded my imagination for practicallity. I can't get enough of carpentry and fixing things.

Eileen - Give it up and your imagination might return.

Robert - That's the problem. I've never been happier making and mending things. It's too gut wrenching writing a novel.
I just hope I can cope with eight hour days, five days a week for a year with a bloke I may not even like.

Eileen - This could be a great challenge for you. It might unblock your witer's block and you mightn't find it so hard to write again. Besides, we could do with a steady income while we're waiting for your next novel. We wouldn't want our lifestyle to slip, otherwise, you'd eventually have to give up making your furniture. It's not cheap you know.

Robert - We'll see. Do you really think I can convince Angelo he has a new past.

Offline ricketybridge

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
Re: A new past
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2010, 06:43:57 PM »
I'm not an expert, but do the police use novelists to concoct stories for witness protection?  That sounds unbelievable to me, but if your research proves differently, then never mind.

On another topic, what's the conflict in this scene??  They seem to just be chitchatting like a nice married couple, doling out exposition.

Offline kristygoedkenrqvj

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • hcg diet
Re: A new past
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2010, 12:42:56 AM »
maybe you have to research again for the said topic..

Patron

  • Guest
Re: A new past
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2010, 12:59:21 AM »
Hello;

I think you have a nice storyline started. I don't believe it's chit chat, as we need to see more of the story first, so don't worry about that; obviously we don't know exactly where you are in your story. So far it's good and it flows. I like it.

I'd enjoy reading more. I'd like to see where the story is going and how it develops.


Sincerely;


Patron


Offline eashort

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 45
Re: A new past
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2010, 06:02:45 PM »
Not knowing how far along you are in your story, or how much of it you may have changed (if any at all) so far, I'd have to say that I really like what you have here. It has a nice flow to it, but it does sound as though the dialog between the two characters is slightly unrealistic. However, I think if you added some more action and parentheticals to the script, it would really add to the overall feeling, and make it feel more natural.


For example, where you have:
Robert - I haven't written more than fifty pages and nothing continuous since it was released. It's as if I've traded my imagination for practicallity. I can't get enough of carpentry and fixing things.

Eileen - Give it up and your imagination might return.

Robert - That's the problem. I've never been happier making and mending things. It's too gut wrenching writing a novel.
I just hope I can cope with eight hour days, five days a week for a year with a bloke I may not even like.

Eileen - This could be a great challenge for you. It might unblock your witer's block and you mightn't find it so hard to write again. Besides, we could do with a steady income while we're waiting for your next novel. We wouldn't want our lifestyle to slip, otherwise, you'd eventually have to give up making your furniture. It's not cheap you know.


You might want to try something like (and this is just a suggestion):

Quote
Robert: I haven't written more than fifty pages and nothing continuous since it was released. (beat) It's as if I've traded my imagination for practicallity. (slight beat) I can't get enough of carpentry and fixing things.

Eileen, feeling very concerned for her husband, slaps on a reassuring smile.

Eileen: Give it up and your imagination might return.

Even though he knows, she is just trying to help, Robert seems to brush off Eileen's advice, and turns away from her as he begins to speak.

Robert: (slight beat) That's the problem. (beat) I've never been happier making and mending things. It's too gut wrenching writing a novel. (beat) I just hope I can cope with eight hour days, five days a week for a year with a bloke I may not even like.

As Robert pours out his soul to his wife, Eileen walks across the room, and places her hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

Eileen: This could be a great challenge for you. It might unblock your witer's block and you mightn't find it so hard to write again. Besides, we could do with a steady income while we're waiting for your next novel. We wouldn't want our lifestyle to slip, otherwise, you'd eventually have to give up making your furniture. It's not cheap you know.

But like, I said, that was just a suggestion, and I really like the overall feeling of what you already have. Plus, you don't really need to worry about the action and parentheticals until you are done with all of your dialog, as long as you keep your overall idea for your story in your mind.

Great job, so far! I hope you post the full thing when you are finished. I look forward to reading it!  :)

Offline czechwizard

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 91
    • Serious Entertainment
Re: A new past
« Reply #5 on: July 09, 2010, 01:18:57 PM »
Wow, this bittersweet expose has tottally blown me away, like I were one of the characters. I do identify with Robert. The transcendental chitchat storyline sent me to the times when I wrote dark hardcore books like crazy, one after another, but lived a rather happy-go-lucky lifestyle, completely forgetting about my lirerary career or trying to publish it. Eileen is a very disruptive element, though, a real pain in the ass. Yeah, I'd also like to know where Robert is going.
Pure Design, Chance, or Mistake - my own successful philosophy, ever so polished with each sale of the 36 volume Sixth Gospel.

Offline Kiryana

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 79
Re: A new past
« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2010, 06:59:06 AM »
I personally do not think you need to research your subject anymore. I find the idea very believable and very interesting. I would also like to see more of this story/script to see how far along you have come and what point in the story you are at. The conversation does seem a little sharp and could use a few more rewrites to help it flow smoother but, you did get your point across.
"Whether we bring our enemies to justice, or justice to our enemies, justice will be done."

Offline fatoonch

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 99
Re: A new past
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2010, 05:47:30 AM »
Thanks all for your comments. My idea is to try and convey how much effort must  go into providing a new past. Surely the witness must grapel with having to lie all the time and how much acting must go into it. I want to show what would happen when the curious writer who usually relies on info from a computer and his own imagination suddenly has access to a new world. The tempation to write his own new book and just give Angelo a mediocore new past must be overwheming.