Author Topic: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter" UPDATED!  (Read 14782 times)

Offline eashort

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter"
« Reply #15 on: July 11, 2010, 12:32:40 AM »
Ethor- Thank you, and I am working on the ending. I hope to have something figured out quite soon.

Offline eashort

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter"
« Reply #16 on: July 11, 2010, 01:18:15 AM »
Xerika- I do have to agree with you that you were a bit harsh, but as I said I am open to all critiques of my work. I really appreciate your insight, and truth be told (being bluntly honest myself) I really have to respect you...I respect people who are brutally honest. Thank you!

To touch on one of your points, while I did say that I punched out this sketch quickly. I did do several revisions on it. I just meant that the basic idea and first draft happened to come to me very quickly. Perhaps, I should have been more clear about that. Thank you, and I will try to be more specific in the future.

Also, I think it is worth mentioning that the majority of my life I have wanted to write. It was just recently that I decided on comedy as the be-all and end-all. I have also had a huge interest in television production, and creating and developing shows. So, this seemed like a natural step...but that is really a story for another day.

And just like you told me not to take your words too harshly, I hope that you can do the same for me now. I know that it can sometimes be difficult to know how words are meant when they are typed. You can't read emotion and phrasing. So, I want to apologize to you now if this comes out sounding too harsh. I am really sorry that you didn't find any humor in this script, but so far you seem to be one of very few people who haven't. I know that I cannot please everyone, and that is fine with me. I do, however, appreciate your tips about researching what makes a sketch funny (plus I am a big Michael Palin fan, so really must respect the opinions of a fellow python fan). I will definitely have to take your advice and do so. If just to broaden my comedic horizons.

Thank you for sharing with me at the end what you did like. I am still very young right now (I have only been 21 for a few months). So, I hope that my writing will improve with age, and I shall continue to practice until I can come as close to perfecting this unperfectable art as possible.

Again, I really appreciated your insight. I hope that you will continue to give me your insight on whatever else I may post...maybe one of them will make you laugh. =)

Offline eashort

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter"
« Reply #17 on: July 11, 2010, 01:22:45 AM »
Par- thanks for the encouragement.

Offline Don

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter"
« Reply #18 on: July 11, 2010, 10:40:41 AM »
Elizabeth -

I have to agree with Xerika that there is little humor to be found in the sketch's current form. That is not to say it couldn't be converted into something very funny. You have the bones but you have to hang some meat on them.

Read your letter out loud. Is the opening funny or saccharine? Maybe she married the cuckold instead of the brother because he was the one with the money. Be specific about that and it will add to the "bitchiness" factor. Also, she took the kids because...well, they really are the brother's kids. Maybe the parents went along for the ride because Mr. Cuckold was adopted. Lots of possibilities. The more you destroy this man's world, the funnier it gets...in a dark kinda way.

The burglar should be obvious from the opening. Leaving without taking anything would be funny. As the woman's VO reads the letter, I'm sure you will find ample opportunity for the burglar to insert his own comments. I could see this working as a ten-minute play and as everyone knows, ten-minute plays are very hot right now.

Good luck with this.

Don -
I have a motto: when in doubt, go for the cheap laugh.

Offline eashort

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter"
« Reply #19 on: July 11, 2010, 01:12:52 PM »
Don- thank you for your feedback...i was discussing the sketch with my mother today, and taking all of the suggestions that I have gotten from other people, I think I may have a much better idea of how to work the sketch.

I really like your idea about the ten minute play, though. I didn't even think about that. It will probably work as a better format for what I have in mind now.

Offline Carmen Fletcher

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter"
« Reply #20 on: July 12, 2010, 10:46:59 AM »
In my full honest opinion.... I hope this is not it. It has a lot of potential and unforutnately these "comedic" events do occur. I'm pulling for more from the storyline and its like pulling teeth. I am not sure what his occupation is, which may add to the humor.

i.e. John was the most miserable and introverted person in the Behtel, Alaska post office. Day in and day out he took the same icy route too and from work and in the summer months trugged through mud. He took good care of his wife Anne and happily stared at their wedding picture each day. One day he arrives home to a silent house and finds a letter from his lovely wife. (Dear John....)

The usually introverted John dropped the letter, dropped his messenger bag, let out a bellowing scream and smashed everything in the bedroom. After he grabbed a trashbag and stomped back upstairs, still screaming and muttering obscentities, he looked around the room to find that everything he smashed was all his stuff that Anne left. He sat in the doorway in his muddy clothes and sobbed.

I know it is a bit much to digest, but hey I'm bored at work.  ;) Hopefully by reading this comment you can see how you can change this potential of a good comedic story/script to a good relatable one and grow from there.

Best of luck! You are doing great!

CF
« Last Edit: July 12, 2010, 01:14:55 PM by Carmen Fletcher »
"I have no regrets. I lived this way for a reason and I will find out why when I get to the other side."

-CF

Offline Kiryana

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter"
« Reply #21 on: July 14, 2010, 06:47:40 AM »
I have to agree with most of what Xerika said. Although, I did fine this a little funnier than he/she did. I would like to emphasize again on what he said about rewriting and refining what you post and no just throwing up a first or even second time draft. Study your work, read it over to yourself aloud, and don't be afraid to ask for advice or suggestions here along the way. Other than that, it was an interesting read. I did make it through the entire post which is more than I can say for a few of the other threads on here.
"Whether we bring our enemies to justice, or justice to our enemies, justice will be done."

Offline par

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter"
« Reply #22 on: July 16, 2010, 07:14:48 AM »
you know, there are so many ways that this sketch can go.  if you have others read it aloud, improvise on it, go off even on tangents, you may have an epiphany of sorts on how to finalize it.   if you want it to be a monologue, or a scene for 2 or three, or whatever, it'll come to you if you relax into it.   you have a talent, all you need to do is direct it.

Offline eashort

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter"
« Reply #23 on: July 19, 2010, 10:44:44 AM »
I wanted to thank everybody for their advice. I got an idea on how to possibly fix the sketch last week, and I am currently working on it (and a few other sketches). When I am done I will post the new version.  :)

Offline Kowboy

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter"
« Reply #24 on: July 22, 2010, 12:02:25 AM »
eashort:

I didn't really get it and that means I didn't find it funny. I never picked up on the burgler thing until you told us.

Kowboy

Offline AndyPNE

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter"
« Reply #25 on: July 22, 2010, 02:24:18 PM »
Hiya. loved your little sketch. I must admit at first i was thinking where is the comedy, but then i read the bit in the letter Where she said that she had also been seeing the brother ever since they got married and i liked that. I liked it even more When the letter said that the kids and grandparents had moved away with them. And then the whole burgular twist at the end cracked me up. I was playing the whole scene in my head as i read through and i thought it would work really well on stage and screen. I think your sketch could also work if you cut the whole looking round the house bit first. but yeah. loved it.

By the way. In one of your earlier replies someone said that you need to have a good joke within the first few lines and that you should look at the Monty Python Parrot scetch. I dissagree. If the acting and the sinserity with which the acting is delivered at the start of your sketch is good enough, then you'll have the audiences attention right the way through. Also your sketch is completly different to the style of Monty Python. Yours is realistic. I could see yours really happening.

Offline eashort

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter" UPDATED!
« Reply #26 on: July 22, 2010, 02:58:02 PM »
AndyPNE- Thank you so much!   ;D

Oddly enough I was in the middle of reading your new post when my phone binged to tell me that I had a new email, which was about your reply! lol...I really like yours so far, but I'll post more about it when I'm done with the whole thing! Thanks again!

Offline ghetss261

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter" UPDATED!
« Reply #27 on: July 26, 2010, 12:38:50 AM »
hhhee..good job

Offline eashort

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter" UPDATED!
« Reply #28 on: August 06, 2010, 12:00:24 PM »

Offline greebo82

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Re: Short Comedy Sketch..."The Dear John Letter" UPDATED!
« Reply #29 on: August 12, 2010, 11:20:36 AM »
  I really enjoyed this sketch, I can visualise it (Thats a good sign) and laughed out loud at the end but I would like to make some suggestions.

I think the whole joke is that the burglar is judging someone (the wife) for being cruel while also being cruel (sorry for stating the obvious but it helps)

To add to this I think when the burglar passes comment shakes his head and says "bitch" he should be doing something extremely petty and cruel like unscrewing and stealing a light bulb or a bit more extreme urinating on the bed then when finished he could say something along the lines of "some people!"

hope this helps