Author Topic: Ending a thought/chapter. (793 Words)  (Read 664 times)

Offline Yushu na baka

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Ending a thought/chapter. (793 Words)
« on: July 05, 2010, 11:59:03 PM »
Alright I really liked the beginning of this chapter (which there's a piece of in my last posting in Review) but
the ending here has got me in a quandary. I personally really don't like how I structured things because
I don't think it carries across to the reader how I would like it to. It's also giving me a real b**** of a time
getting into the next phase of the story.

Any suggestions are helpful. Thanks guys. Sorry for the longer read, I think it needs this much to get a grasp
of what's going on for the ending here.




He stood up from his chair and began walking towards the lifts, his work station
signed him off and went into standby. As he walked through the city different smells assaulted
his senses causing his stomach to churn. He prided himself on not being much of a carnivore
putting off eating meats unless he needed some specific nutrient. Something in the action involved,
the chewing and tearing of animal muscle as teeth ground together spraying juices down the throat,
it just didn't appeal to him. He thought back to his teeth grinding that morning as he grabbed a salad
and some rolls from a stand a few blocks from his apartment building. Once home he changed the
walls to display the day’s news and events, methodically forking the shreds of lettuce into his mouth
to chew.

 The stories began showing, most droning on about the tensions of trade agreements between the
Administros and one foreign country or another. One story stood out to Sorl though and he wiped
the others to the sides of the wall. The reporter's voice came on.

"Luckily nobody was harmed in the course of these events. We found Colonel Gun for comment."

 The vid changed to Gun. The man was strikingly handsome with sharp features as he came into his
early twenties. Everything about his demeanor screamed military specialty at Academy. Sorl knew
of Gun, as everyone did. He was the most brilliant military mind under Administros Domini; harsh in
word and look. Even through the display Sorl could feel his own heart grow cold as he looked into
those calculating eyes.

"We will find the head of this party so the public has no need to worry." He was climbing the steps
into the Council Building. "No further comment at this time."

"To recap," the droning reporter came back on, "this afternoon a tram car was seized by a group
of renegades and held up for two hours. The result was the entire southern city travel lines being
backed up causing disorder and an immediate emergency restructure by Counsel Officials."

Vids filled the wall of the events from earlier caught from the building displays surrounding the tram.
"Now it is believed that these are the actions of the same group who corrupted city water supply
facilities last month, causing the water to bear the taste of cabbage. Its also assumed they were
responsible for commandeering the Military Headquarters building displays,  exhibiting stills of Colonel
Gun, Council Chair Forset and other Council members rendered with skin wrinkles and graying hair." Sorl
recalled the event. His lips began to curl upward and before he knew what it was or why, a laugh
emitted from his throat.

Immediately he signaled the walls off. Just as suddenly as the strange sensation of the laugh had
escaped his body a new sensation began to fill Sorl. His head and his thoughts started to scramble
as for the first time he wasn't able to put word or logic to thought lines. More so he wasn't even positive
if what was happening could even be categorized. Fog pushed at his brain and he shut his eyes trying
to force it out. He hurriedly sped through documentation on psychologies in his head to no avail. In
Academy he had dismissed the study of trivial matters. He searched for some source to gain knowledge
from his memory to explain this . . . this . . . feeling?

As the notion hit his brain Sorl's eyes widened. It was ludicrous but even as he connected the dots of
his symptoms to definition it became more and more apparent. He was feeling. He was feeling? This caused
his thoughts to go into overload, his pace of breathing quickened and he could feel hyperventilation coming
on without pause. Sorl fell to his knees and was clawing fingers into the microfibers of his flooring as it dawn
on him what was happening. A panic attack! Dozens of old vids had shown such things both comically and
through dramatics. There was no for certain saying this was what was happening but once he had a title for
symptom he could work to begin to control himself.

Slowly the fog lifted, he deliberately skipped gasps for breath to steady the oxygen intake to his lungs. His
vision cleared of haziness and his fists relaxed as palm flattened to the floor. As suddenly as Sorl knew he
was coming out of the attack tears filled his eyes. He fell to his side and rolled onto his back as streams of
salty liquid splashed down his cheeks. Elation and fear were ebbing through him, neither of which he fully
understood but he accepted them as a better option to the prior feeling.




A writer is not a liar, they just take your truths and tell it back to you in a way you can understand.

Offline Two9A

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Re: Ending a thought/chapter. (793 Words)
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2010, 03:03:09 AM »
A little disjointed at the start; I assume that's because Sorl views life in disjoint segments, detached from each other. Perhaps each part of that first paragraph could be broken out to make a feature of that?

I think the idea of an indoctrinated unemotional culture comes across well. Maybe a statement leading into chapter 2 at the end: "Sorl would have to find out more about this concept of feeling." would be in order, maybe it would be an obvious telegraph of the contents of the next chapter; I dunno. What you've got works well, though.

Offline Yushu na baka

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Re: Ending a thought/chapter. (793 Words)
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2010, 03:33:32 AM »
Sorry. It might come off odd going into that paragraph because it comes right after some important dialog
but I didn't think people would want to read more than I already am making them = P
A writer is not a liar, they just take your truths and tell it back to you in a way you can understand.