Author Topic: Building on the History (898 words)  (Read 851 times)

Offline Yushu na baka

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Building on the History (898 words)
« on: July 02, 2010, 04:43:59 AM »
Okay, so for some of you that read my history piece on this world, this is the beginnings of that world. I have written more
than what I'm posting here (about 2900 words) and feel I'm hitting a good stride.
I really will take any comments to heart. I feel the spelling and grammar are pretty good so not too worried
about being inundated by that sort of thing, but the story I want to really know whether it grabs or not.

To give a heads up, this is a Sci-Fi piece building on the idea of . . .well it's all in there, its a sci-fi piece. If anyone is
interested in reading the entirety of what I have after this PM me and I'm happy to seek further comments for the
full work as is at this point.

I do apologize, from this the piece seems a little darker than I probably will end up making it overall, so don't discourage
too much  :P
I broke up paragraphs, so any single space lines are just chunks of one paragraph. 3 Spaces is the start of a new paragraph.
Thanks guys.

Sorl woke with a groan. His neck stung and burned from where the chip had been implanted the afternoon before.
Groggily he sat up and rubbed the spot, so much for sleep. He peered through hazy eyes at the display at the
head of his bed. 4:45 am. He had been drifting in an out of consciousness for several hours now.

"Now you'll feel a tingle for a few hours," the doctor had said with a little too wide of a grin, "but by this evening you
should be out like a light. Most people are."

The man was a pure sycophant and Sorl knew, but still he hoped the man's words would hold true. He had gone
in for the standard Hobbes Regulator implant at the age of eleven as was required. The HR chip helped to squelch
his hormonal activities as he went into puberty. Such things only served as a distraction from development and
societal progress.

At the same time they had injected him with the nanotech that would render him sterile, but only after Sorl gave
his donation for future implantations. The chip was very effective but even the human body could still pummel the
brain with so much hormone that the desire for mating couldn't be suppressed. Sterilization meant no surprises to
population, no uncharted human genetics to disrupt the carefully calibrated and manufactured children of Achelois.

Sorl decided it wasn't worth trying to sleep any longer. He got up, yawned, and headed for the lavatory.
After a long shower he got dressed in the one piece suits that everyone wore. The gray jumper suit didn't give
much to alleviate his somberness, but his blue suits were all in the cleaner. Only 5:30, Sorl eyed his apartment.
There was little that would be considered "creative" for decoration these days. He had blanked his wall screens
in the small one room quarters of any writings or portraits. Some enjoyed having the classics displayed like the
time based art or "mod" pieces from the twenty-first century; the only thing on Sorl's walls was the clock over
his bedside.

He enjoyed his simplicity. From the old books and mpegs of history humans were supposed to have
deep emotions and complexity. Sorl didn't understand why anyone would want their heads jumbled with emotions,
he'd read about them and from what he surmised they were more trouble than they were worth.

After a minute of staring at his apartment he decided there was no real reason to stay, so he crossed to the
door to go out and walk in the cool morning air. He reached for his Lexicon so that he could get through the
complex and get into the building at work.

His hand hovered over the card, he realized for the first time he wouldn't need the device anymore.
Everything pertaining to him was in the chip now; his accounts, his identification serial, pass codes
for work and logon for the Epicenter Net were all with him at all times. Sorl left the card device sitting
on the table by the door and left.

The brisk morning air was a pleasant sensation on the burning he felt on his neck. He walked the sidewalks
of Olynthus heading towards his work for lack of anywhere else to go. The city was just waking up and the
buildings began flashing into life, displaying the news and weather reports.

Olynthus was by no means the largest city made after the wars of history, but it had grown large enough
in the 230 years since becoming the capitol of the Administros Domini. The Council Building which housed
the post war government could be seen from most anywhere in the city looming above other structures in
it's shade.

Sorl knew his history from Academy and learned at age four like everyone else how their existence came to be.
Achelois' Crux had saved humanity from the Pandora Virus, a genetic disease that had destroyed humans as
they used to be. He paused as he recalled the events of a time long past.

Humanity was always in wars, always destroying each other somehow for paltry benefits and status. The last
war was no different, things escalated as they inevitably were fated to in such situations. Bombs destroyed
cities and missiles flew, chemical weaponry created mayhem and devastation on just as large a scale as it bred
fear and discourse.

All of those things could be seen as inconsequential next to the Pandora Virus though. Nobody knew who
released it or even developed the mutation but it effectively wiped out twenty percent of Earth’s population
in a matter of months.

Photos of people infected with Pandora passed through Sorl's memory. Some had grown extra ligaments and
appendages while others showed no external signs of infection at all but whose organs were compacted as new,
undocumented intestines grew against the tight spaces.

No two documented cases showed the same symptoms; however, that could be attributed to the sheer number
of cases overwhelming the medical world. The bodily changes were eventually too great to be sustained and
often times changes were so subtle that a person would die without even knowing their body was evolving.

Either pressure on the heart, lungs or brain would overcome a person and they'd die; or derangement would set
in leading to a massive number of suicides across the globe.

« Last Edit: July 02, 2010, 04:52:14 AM by Yushu na baka »
A writer is not a liar, they just take your truths and tell it back to you in a way you can understand.

Offline kevegg

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Re: Building on the History (898 words)
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2010, 10:45:05 AM »
A very accomplished piece of writing and I can't wait to see more. The darkness is evident but there is no sense of hopelessness.  Your writing is very descriptive as I could easily visualise the growing city and the sidewalks that Sorl strolled along as he headed to work. I had visions of the classic futuristic pathways in the sky and everything gleaming in a very clinically sterile environment.

As I say, I really enjoyed this peek into your SiFi world and would love to see more.

Well done indeed

Offline Yushu na baka

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Re: Building on the History (898 words)
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2010, 09:42:40 PM »
I'm glad. I try to be descriptive enough that you're in the world I want you to be, but that the overall look of the world
is completely within your own making. Its a balance I try for and I'm glad I seem to hit with you.
A writer is not a liar, they just take your truths and tell it back to you in a way you can understand.