Author Topic: testing this one out...  (Read 2790 times)

Offline "lorraineofkeli"

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testing this one out...
« on: June 25, 2006, 08:48:55 AM »
I wrote this out and was wondering if I should go ahead with it any further. how does it look at moment for a quick draft?

In the midst of the crying wolves, he sat there, calm and beguiled.  He noticed the fallen leaves turning a shade of grey under the moonlight.   No place was safer than this now. He had seen all he needed to see the day before. That woman was more than he could handle.  Forget her nails - those brittle, lifeless, dirty pieces of unnourished bones. Today he was a martyr to his cause. Her children had been seen to; he smiled. The knowledge that he had taken the only things precious to her made him beam with utter satisfaction.  All three small and equally under-nourished children were deep within his land's fortress. 

The foggy smell of the night air soothed his excitement. It was time to kill again. For what cause? For his enjoyment of course. The previous night's woman had been a fighter.  He peered down at his scratched and blood stained arms - "what's this," he thought.  Picking at it with his blunt fingers, he unpeeled its hold from his skin - the woman's fingernail! In disgust he threw it to the ground amid the grey leaves.  That was all the reason for killing more tonight.  The damage he suffered taught him a lesson - go in stronger, go in deeper, take them all down. Find a woman just like that one. Spoiled, dirty, a disease to the touch - make her pay.  So the night was set. His plan was devised....

Offline Writers Block

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Re: testing this one out...
« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2006, 12:42:30 PM »
Reads well, give it a shot, hard to say at this stage.

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline writerfox

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Re: testing this one out...
« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2006, 01:52:31 PM »
Good use of details.  Better than me and my partner's use of descriptive setup.  If you want to test your reviewer's brain, pop over to either of my posts and return the favor.  Or not.  Look forward to more of this.  Keep up the good work, fellow writer.

Offline "lorraineofkeli"

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Re: testing this one out...
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2006, 05:06:36 AM »
thank you for your comments. i might see where i can take it. and i will of course return the favour :)

Offline pete_dog

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Re: testing this one out...
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2006, 01:12:47 PM »
Hi lorraine

For my part, I enjoyed it - particularly the contrast between the first and second paragraphs - the jarring nature between these really did make me sit up and take notice!

Good work, and I look forward to seeing more.

Pete
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Risca

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Re: testing this one out...
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2006, 01:27:45 PM »
Hello Lorraine

I think this piece has the makings of a rough diamond, so to speak, I suggest you carry on with it and see where it takes you. Good luck and keep us posted!

Risca xxx

Offline Lightbulb

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Re: testing this one out...
« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2006, 06:30:57 PM »
Hey, this was a cool read. I liked how in the first paragraph I didn't know where it was going and then BAM! I found out I was in the head of a bad guy. I think you got that accross supremely well with
Quote
It was time to kill again. For what cause? For his enjoyment of course.
and I loved the part where he's disgusted by the dead woman's fingernail. I think this has some potential and I hope that you continue with it. If you can't figure it out, do some research on this guy... Why does he like to kill? Who is he? Why is he a martyr? What is his cause? Give him a back story, and make a rough plot with this scene in it.

I like it, keep going.

Offline "lorraineofkeli"

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Re: testing this one out...
« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2006, 06:48:08 PM »
Thank you for your kind comments guys.  :)
I didn't imagine I would take it any further but now that you've been so supportive, I think it might be worth working on.
I'll let you know what I come up with and hopefully you can let me know whether it's going in the right direction.