Author Topic: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please  (Read 2827 times)

Offline magicunicorn

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 hey everyone i am really new at this and i have no idea if anything that i have put  together is going to be worth continuing and editing.
i would really love any feedback good or bad, it this work intresting enough....
 The story is about  a family that loosed the parents and youngest sitter in a car accident leaving them orphans, it tells there stories of how they learn to cope and how they deal with the every day tragedy's that go there way. Another member of the family disappears with out a trace and it all unfolds into a saga.

Here it is:

As her alarm sounded for the first time that morning Ashley opened her eyes moaning at the very idea of getting up at such an ungodly hour, it something that Ashley could have done without this morning. Quickly  Ashley stretched her arm out into the cold morning air hitting the snooze button so her alarm would not wake her oldest brother, who's bedroom was right next door. As fast as she had reached out to hit the snooze button her arm disappeared back under the covers and out of the cold morning air.

Ashley had not slept at all well overnight as she could not help stewing over the massive fight that she'd had with firstly  her boyfriend and  then her oldest brother Anthony  last night. She just could not get it out of her head.  Just thinking about  the argument she could feel her agitation starting to  build.

‘ Ahh... why do I  feel like I have only just got into bed,’ she mumbled to herself before turning over and rolling to the other side of her double bed. Ashley pulled up the  queen size doona a little more around her neck and snuggled back down deeper underneath it, goose bumps appearing on her arms  at the very thought of getting out from under her nice warm bed covers.   Just a few more minute's sleep would be nice,’ Ashley grumbled under her breath.
No matter what position Ashley tried, she just could not seem to get comfortable, tossing and turning for the next couple of minutes still feeling a little annoyed at the alarm going off so early.   

 Just once, I would love to be able to have a sleep in’. Ashley sighed deciding that she had better look across at her black alarm clock before it sounded again and woke up her painful older brother.
 Its red digital numbers read 4:15 am, Ashley rubbed the sleep out of her eyes before looking back at the numbers a second time, just to make sure that she was not imagining what she'd seen. No her eyes had not been playing tricks on her, it was in fact now 4:16am. Ashley's alarm had sounded three quarters of an hour earlier than it normally would have.
Far too Early, Ashley grumbled to herself feeling annoyed as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, annoyed at herself  for the very idea that she must have knocked the alarm dial when she'd been switching the radio around from station to station searching for something to listen to the night before. It had not been more than a few minutes before Ashley had gotten frustrated with looking for a suitable station and turned the stupid radio off all together.
Again glancing over at the alarm clock  for a third time, Ashley decided that as it was still early and that she could afford  to take a small luxury - a few extra minutes to doze before she needed to be up and down at the stables for the first set of horses going out for their morning track work. Still feeling a little sleepy she reached her arm out into the brisk morning air, this time turning the alarm off altogether. What could they do anyway if she decided to stay in the bed a little longer for a change, she was always the first one to arrive down at the yard.
 Ashley cast her mind back, remembering the previous evenings events,  over powering feelings of frustrating and hurt came flooding back. Ashley's whole body shuddered in frustration  as she felt her anger starting to resurface as she remembered why she had been in a foul mood the previous night.  What right did they have to treat her like a child she was sixteen years old now, she was not a baby any more. 
Ashley was the spitting image of her father, she was her Father's daughter and  had inherited a lot of things from her father including his temperament and personality.
 Just like her father, Ashley had never really handled being told what she could and could not do by anyone, except her father himself. She certainly was not about to take it from her brother or her boyfriend.
Suddenly it came to her, of course how could she have forgotten, it was what the arguments had been about. Today was special; it was their big day, hers and Dancer's. Today was the day Dancer was to come back into race training.

Flash Dancer (the colt her parents had given Ashley on her last birthday, just months before they'd been tragically killed) had only yesterday been given the all clear from the stud's long time vet and family friend Dr Hanson, to start his pre- training after coming back from an injury so severe that they'd first believed that he wouldn't recover from his injuries enough to come back to race.

It had been a little over eight months since the colt had been injured in the massive storm, but Ashley remembered the night as if it has only been last week.  Her whole body shuddered as she momentarily cast her mind back to the horrible events of that stormy night. It had been only five short weeks after the car accident (that had taken half their family from them) when the storm had hit.  Never on her time on this earth could she remember having ever lived through anything with such a destructive force as she did that night.

There had been a bright sharp flash of lightening that lit up the whole sky and a deafening crack of thunder that followed almost immediately, it was what they believed to be what had frightened the yearling colts and sent them galloping blindly around the paddock. Everything had happened so dam fast.

 Flash Dancer and the other just broken two year old colts had taken fright and galloped off around the grassy paddock at a break neck speed, they'd been galloping blindly around and around their paddock.  The colts adrenalin having kicked in was driving the group faster and more frantically. In their mad dash the colts did not see the post and rail tree guard protecting the young trees in the centre of the paddock as they galloped blindly around and around, the next time around the youngsters ploughed straight through the fence which  splintered  and disintegrated into pieces.
Splintering wood injured three of the colt's severely, one colt had a smashed leg, bones protruding out through the skin of his fore leg,  and another suffered a broken pelvis  along with a wood spear from the broken fencing embedded in his stifle.
 Then there was Flash Dancer the most promising of all the recently broken youngsters. He was also the luckiest of the three, although he suffered severe damage to both his suspense and check ligaments along with horrific lacerations and a wooden spear embedded in the muscular wall of his chest.  Dancer's injuries had been so severe that there was a cloud of dought hanging over his survival. Would Dancer ever again be fit to race? The first two Colt's injuries were so severe that Anthony was left with no other choice but to humanely destroy them.
With a rush of pure adrenaline Ashley jumped up out of bed,  taking only moments to pull on her warm riding cloths.  Once dressed she quietly opened her bedroom door, careful to make only minimal noise. Ashley peeked her head out and around the corner of the door of her room just to make sure that her brother had not heard her alarm and was already up and out on the landing.  Deciding that the coast was clear Ashley stepped out into the hallway, carefully she  creep past Anthony's bedroom door, desperately trying not to wake him. Ashley held her breath as her socks slipped on the polished  floor boards almost right outside Anthony's bedroom door. Upon regaining her balance Ashley stepped forward stepping right on top of the only lose floorboard in the whole of the hall way, it let out a loud creaking sound, Ashley's whole body froze for a second as she stopped to listen for Anthony, she thought she'd heard a noise coming from Anthony's bedroom, but luckily for her, he did not wake, he had only stirred.
 With a touch of annoyance at her own clumsiness Ashley had a pretty good idea how furious Anthony would be with her for deliberately sneaking out of the house early and not waiting for him as he'd instructed her to do, especially after they'd had a massive fight about it just last night. Ashley's defiance had shown itself with a knee jerk reaction and heated words which had resulted in the massive fight over the very subject she had also argued with Michael (her boyfriend) over. It was because Ashley was in no mood to listen to yet another lecture at this hour of the morning, that had led her to the decision to sneak out, even knowing that she would have to deal with the consequences later.
The more Ashley thought about what the arguments had been over the more annoyed she was becoming.  She felt that lately, Anthony had become more  critical and judgmental about every little thing; Ashley felt that he was treating her like an irresponsible child. She really detested the way he continually ordered her around, after all she was almost sixteen years old now and she could look after herself. Ashley gritted her teeth together and mumbled,
‘Who in the hell does he think he is anyway. He is my brother, not my father?’
Quickly and quietly Ashley made her way across the landing and  headed down the  antique wooden stair case, Ashley let out a  great sigh of relief as she made it down off the last step and clear out of the house without being found out.
Sliding the patio door closed Ashley skipped off happily down the long driveway not daring to look back, humming to herself, her excitement growing with every step she took. Ashley liked the feel of the cool breeze blowing against the bare skin of her face, it was stimulating at this time of the morning, it made her feel alive, especially this morning. Ashley paused for a moment to take in the magical view that she never  grew tired of, it was where the drive way platoed out at its highest point this was the point where the stables always came into view.  Ashley sighed, expelling the air in her lungs to form a white cloud in the air in front of her face it was magnificent, she was so lucky to have such a wonderful place to live.
‘Ahh.....It's always so beautiful out here,’ she said to herself, knowing that she could never get tired of looking down through the magnificent one hundred year old oak trees that lined and covered the entire gravel driveway.
The  beautiful one hundred year old oak trees looked especially beautiful at this time of year, their leaves had already started changing from the lovely pale green shade into their vibrant red and orange autumn shades. As Ashley breathed out, walking down towards the stables a trail of fine white mist could be seen trailing behind her in the brisk morning air.
    As she approached the stables her whole body trembled in anticipation. Everything was still so peaceful and quiet at this hour of morning.
But not for too much longer, Ashley said to herself as she opened  the gate and  entered the half full stable yard. She could hear sounds of the horses starting to move around restlessly in their boxes as they waited for someone to arrive.
The feed room door creaked as she pushed it opened to turn on the yards lights; heads immediately started appearing over the top of stable doors, horses nickering from every direction, welcoming Ashley.
Ashley felt a little guilty knowing that she really could not afford to take the time to up feed all the horses in the yard, but when she  saw the big brown eyes of the horses expecting their breakfast she could not help herself. Ashley hurriedly turned and went back into the feed room. Realizing that she had no pocket in this pair of riding pants for her mobile phone she rested it on the ledge of the white board  so she could added the molasses and rest of the herbs to all but Dancer's feed.  Ashley whizzed around  extra fast this morning tipping each of the horse feeds into  their mangers, all the horses except her be lovered  Dancer, as she was about to take him out for his exercise for the first time in over eight months.
Ashley threw the now empty feed buckets back into the feed room deciding to wash them later when she came back from taking Dancer out, as time was starting to get on. In her hurry to get going before either Tom or Anthony arrived she   forgot to pick up her phone before she stepped back out into the yard. Salina nickered to Ashley as she passed by her box on her way to the tack room.
I'm sorry girl, but not this morning,’ Ashley stopped to stoke the mares forehead.
Someone else will be along soon, and anyway I'll be back before too long to take you out. Ashley left the little mare and made her way over to the tack room.
Magic Unicorn

Offline Ronnie Coleinger

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Re: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please
« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2010, 03:27:03 PM »
Magic

I would love to review this story for you.  I will work on it this weekend and have it ready for you on Monday.  I will add my comments and edits in blue, and use strikethroughs were necessary.  As a writer, I believe every story has merit, and should not be dismissed until an honest attempt has been made to salvage it.  I have started quite a few stories that remained locked away for months before I discovered the perfect ending for them.  I will proofread the first part of your story, then you can finish the story as you see fit.  I have learned to outline each story I work on, the outline helps keep the story on track as you progress to the ending.  When an idea comes to me, I write the a few lines for the beginning, a short middle section, then a great ending.  Then later when I have time, I write an outline to help work out the rest of the story. 

Keep writing.  Once you have written one complete story, you will be hooked, and will write for the rest of your lifetime. 

Have a great weekend

Ronnie Coleinger
 
When you read to a child, their smiles and giggles will warm your heart and make your day a little brighter.

http://www.ronniecoleinger.com

Offline Ronnie Coleinger

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Re: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2010, 09:26:46 AM »
Magicunicorn (Kellie)

Kellie, I loved your story concept!  I understand that you have now finished the full draft of this story.  Maybe you will let everyone here at My Writers Circle read the final story when it is complete.

I have finished editing your story last night.  It is now Saturday morning and I will send the edited version of your story along in an attachment, per the guidelines of this forum.  The story plot is good, but your grammar and spelling needed a little help.  Remember that the suggestions that I offer you are just that, my suggestion.  You, as the author, must make the final decisions as to how your story reads.  Each of us writes with our own style and flare, and I do not want to influence your style, just help you with sentence structure and grammar.
 
My comments will be in blue italics.  Stikethroughs indicates that I removed the text.  My suggested changes to your story are in bold blue.  Keep writing, and remember that all of us writers were new at this trade at one time.
 
Ronnie Coleinger
July 26, 2010

When you read to a child, their smiles and giggles will warm your heart and make your day a little brighter.

http://www.ronniecoleinger.com

Offline Linton

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Re: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2010, 07:17:30 AM »
The idea seems good, but at the moment the grammar and structure make it difficult to read.  Perhaps you could study a book by an author who writes for a similar genre to see how someone with more experience constructs narrative & dialogue.  Bernard Cornwell suggested this for new writers and I found it helped.
 :D
 

Offline magicunicorn

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Re: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please
« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2010, 05:09:11 AM »
Wow thank you everyone you are all wonderful and kind i really appreciate any feedback and  will go into it and look at everything you  reply with.  i have written this years ago and never did anything with it until i was encouraged to be my best friend  so i  came on  here.
If  you really think that it it worth  keep going with at around 400 pages then i will do so and please if i can offer anything to anyone  i would love to .
My spelling and grammar is terrible i know that and i will work on that thank you for  everything  looking forward to  talking to you guys again soon
Magic Unicorn

Offline Yushu na baka

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Re: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please
« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2010, 06:42:48 AM »
Quote
Flash Dancer and the other just broken two year old colts had taken fright and galloped off around the grassy paddock at a break neck speed, they'd been galloping blindly around and around their paddock.  The colts adrenalin having kicked in was driving the group faster and more frantically. In their mad dash the colts did not see the post and rail tree guard protecting the young trees in the centre of the paddock as they galloped blindly around and around, the next time around the youngsters ploughed straight through the fence which  splintered  and disintegrated into pieces.
Splintering wood injured three of the colt's severely, one colt had a smashed leg, bones protruding out through the skin of his fore leg,  and another suffered a broken pelvis  along with a wood spear from the broken fencing embedded in his stifle.

Umm I will put this delicately. My wife has worked with horses her entire life, and being with her I've learned a very solid thing. Horse people are very proud people. You need to go into VERY careful research into horses before you begin writing this sort of story where horses will be so prominent. I don't work with horses myself but even just in the time I have spent around them and with people that are passionate about them I can tell you there are a lot of errors in your descriptions of the horses and even their actions.

I would really say you should go out and spend time at several different stables. Go to a racing stable specifically and watch what everyone does. I'm really wanting a LOT more back story and description here. What is the stable's name? How nice is the farm? I automatically assume that since Ashley is raising race horses we're looking at a VERY nice stable setting because race horses cost tens of thousands of dollars. The other thing I would maybe reconsider the race horses part altogether. A 16 year old girl training/raising race horses is . . . really really unlikely. Race horses are liquid assets, I think you'd be hard pressed to ever find a scenario where a teenager is caring for one. You need to be careful not to describe the horses as if they're dogs. Horses take a butt load of work and every horse has a personality. They are incredibly intelligent creatures and are a very spiritual animals. They are prey animal so whether you're using natural horsemanship or racing horses you build a relationship of trust with a creature that will naturally fear you. Dogs are something you just casually take care of because dogs WANT to please people. Horses see you as equals and will not listen unless you A. Make them submit or B. Talk to them in a way THEY understand.
If you're going for accuracy as far as horses go I would find two, three, heck ten people who are incredibly passionate about horses not just people who HAVE horses, people who go out every morning and take care of their horses. People who don't sleep in. People who don't go on vacations. People who know that a stable of horses is signing up for a lifestyle, not a hobby. With those people discuss everything about horses. I think that will give you a much better idea of what you can do with this story than where you're at right now.


Getting away from the horse part I would really advise you to go out and read The Heartland series of books by Lauren Brooke.
It's very similar to the style (and story) you're going for here so it could really help you with structure, theme study, and descriptors
regarding the horses and even the land she lives on.
For instance I would maybe forgo the entire description of the "view" when Ashley leaves the house and focus on everything regarding the stables. How the barn looks, how it smells, the feel of the wood of the fence. The feel of the warmth of the stalls because of the horse bodies. Who are the stable hands? How does Ashley approach Flash Dancer?
I'm assuming by the story your target is going to be females from age 12 to 19? I would say you want your reader completely immersed in the world you're creating because the girls who are going to read your book are probably not going to be the girls whose parents buy them a horse, they maybe get to lease a horse and go out and work their asses off to earn even that. So maybe really appeal to that sense in how hard Ashley really works to take care of these horses.

A writer is not a liar, they just take your truths and tell it back to you in a way you can understand.

Offline magicunicorn

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Re: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please
« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2010, 09:13:18 AM »
Thank you very much for your reply i will take everything on board, i am completely new at this game  and really need any pointers i can get, at the start i was just writing it for me butnot it got out of hand and ended up  sooooooooooooo much bigger.
Thank you again
Magic Unicorn

Offline Ronnie Coleinger

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Re: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please
« Reply #7 on: June 30, 2010, 12:32:40 PM »
Magic (Kellie)

I hope the editing I did on your story helps you understand what is required to bring the story up to proper writing standards.  Grammar, spelling, and punctuation are very important if we are pursuing a writing career.  I struggled to edit your story, not because of the story line, because that was good, but because of your spelling, grammar, and punctuation.  In this forum, and also in your email messages to me, you mentioned that you would work on your spelling.  I hope you are serious.  As I type this comment to your last post, and read your email message again, I looked down to the bottom of the white box I am typing in, and I can see the small box that says, "Spell Check."  I intend to click on that button before I send this post to you.  It is only proper that I use the spell checker, as I do not want my peers and mentors to chastise me for my spelling.  As an author, I always try to edit my work and insure it is accurate.  I often find grammatical errors in my work no matter how hard I try, and I expect those to be brought to my attention.  But spelling errors, especially in a post on My Writers Circle are not necessary, as they provide a spell checker for our use.  I would like to offer you a challenge.  Would you take a moment and type your last post again, and resend it to us.  This time use the spell checker and do your best to get the grammar and punctuation correct?  I think if you practice each time you post, it will become easier each time you do it.  I have included a quote of your last post.  I also look forward to seeing your finished story posted to this forum for all to read.  I am certain you will become a wealthy author if you work hard to learn the skills of the trade.  We all use this forum to better our writing skills, so post often, but also use the spell check button often.   I hope to hear from you shortly! 

Kellie, have a great week. 

Ronnie Coleinger

Thank you very much for your reply i will take everything on board, i am completely new at this game  and really need any pointers i can get, at the start i was just writing it for me butnot it got out of hand and ended up  sooooooooooooo much bigger.
Thank you again
   


When you read to a child, their smiles and giggles will warm your heart and make your day a little brighter.

http://www.ronniecoleinger.com

Offline Aldarinn

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Re: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please
« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2010, 12:58:11 PM »
Hello Kellie,

              The plotline is quite good, though it'll take me another sitting to go through the rest of this piece, I'm halfway through it. But its not entirely flawless, I must remark, you should shorten things a bit when it comes to descriptions, and the initial part of her waking up should be shrunk immensely, focusing more on the character to grip the reader's attention and hold it all along. And I also agree with Yushu upon the point of some deep research required upon equestrian matters. But overall, good work, keep going  ;D
Why are they called apartments, when they're all so stuck together? Huh? ???
The lies become the truth- Michael Jackson(Billie Jean)

Offline janmarie

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Re: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please
« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2010, 04:46:27 PM »
I like the storyline I see where you are going with it. Although the beginning part of Ashley waking up is entirely to long by the 3rd sentence I was ready to stop reading because it was so difficult to follow. 

I was also confused about the arguements that Ashley had with her boyfriend and brother

I won't harp to much about the spelling, grammar and punctuation as everyone else has touched base on that. I will say however that you have alot to work on in that area.  I to struggle somewhat with that as well so I understand it.  Utilize your spell checker it is a wonderful tool!

I think you should read this piece out loud to yourself that may help you understand some of the areas that need work.

Keep writing eventually you will get it!
Take chances you never know where they will lead...........

Offline Yushu na baka

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Re: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please
« Reply #10 on: June 30, 2010, 04:49:59 PM »
Quote
I think you should read this piece out loud to yourself that may help you understand some of the areas that need work.

That is a really good idea. If you can't read the piece out loud to yourself without having to pause and double take to
tray and understand what you were trying to say then you know you have changes to make.

Nice suggestion Jan
A writer is not a liar, they just take your truths and tell it back to you in a way you can understand.

Offline magicunicorn

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Re: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please
« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2010, 11:32:21 PM »
Thank you everyone you  have all given me a lot of work to do and i do appreciate all the comments  that  you have given, i don't often get time to work  on my writing so it is going to take some time unfortunately. i will take everything you have all raised  into consideration when going through my work, what i posted was just the first few pages so i do have my work cut out.

Thank you everyone much appreciated :)
Magic Unicorn

Offline magicunicorn

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Re: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please
« Reply #12 on: July 02, 2010, 02:15:03 AM »
Hi everyone, thank you again for your help it is much appreciated. Thingking about  what you said i have tried to start a new beginning.
Is this any better than the last attempt - only a couple of paragraphs at this stage. thank you...

HERE GOES:

New beginning..
As her alarm sounded for the first time that morning, her eyes flew open. Ashley moaned at the thought

of getting up, just once she would've loved to have a sleep in, like any other normal teenager. Reacting

quickly she stretched her arm out into the cold morning air hitting the snooze button, instantly silencing

the annoying buzzing noise.

Ashley hadn't slept at all well overnight, she'd been stewing over the massive arguments she'd had, firstly

with her boyfriend, then her oldest brother Anthony Clark. She had tried, but not even counting sheep

had helped, she just couldn't get it out of her head.  The more she thought about the argument the

greater her agitation became.
Magic Unicorn

Offline Yushu na baka

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Re: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please
« Reply #13 on: July 02, 2010, 04:02:57 AM »
HERE GOES:

New beginning..
As her alarm sounded for the first time that morning, her eyes flew open. Ashley moaned at the thought
Maybe tweak this. Ashley's eyes flew open as her alarm blared for the first time that morning.
of getting up, just once she would've loved to have a sleep in, like a any other normal teenager. Reacting

quickly she stretched her arm out into the cold morning air hitting the snooze button, instantly silencing

the annoying buzzing noise.

Ashley hadn't slept at all well overnight, she'd been stewing over the massive arguments she'd had. Firstly

with her boyfriend, then her oldest brother, Anthony Clark. She had tried to sleep, but not even counting sheep

had helped, she just couldn't get itthem out of her head.  The more she thought about the arguments the

greater her agitation became.



 You have a tendency much like myself to combine two thoughts into one sentence
and sort of lose the initial meaning with both ideas. Your first sentence for instance
you're trying to portray two things but because the sentence doesn't flow very well.
Just be very careful after you write something to check how it flows.
A lot of people on here suggest reading out loud what you've written as a guide
and I think it's solid advice. Hope this gives you an idea of where to go from here
with the rest of your piece.
« Last Edit: July 02, 2010, 05:08:43 AM by Yushu na baka »
A writer is not a liar, they just take your truths and tell it back to you in a way you can understand.

Offline magicunicorn

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Re: Is this worth going on with..... feedback good or bad please
« Reply #14 on: July 02, 2010, 04:53:29 AM »
Thank you Yushu,
 Thank you, i do see what you mean, i do believe that i am trying to take things way to quick and not take more time to edit it properly, i suppose i was  hoping it would work. I have learnt heaps from  everyones comments and will try and apply it. Thank you

Have a great weekend everyone
Magic Unicorn