Author Topic: fight scene plus... comments more than welcome Please  (Read 1278 times)

Offline Writers Block

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fight scene plus... comments more than welcome Please
« on: June 25, 2006, 05:38:05 AM »
This is an excert from chapter two.  It starts by introducing the heroine, prior to what I have posted. This part deals both with their meeting and an attempt to kill Battleguard, ruler of the city - or to be more acurate a City State.

It is a first draft with only a cursory check for silly errors - hope I didnt miss any.:)

Battleguard had been delayed longer than he intended before finally leaving.  As was his custom, in all but the most atrocious of weather, he walked home, alone. 

A sense of danger, more than any noise alerted him only just in time.

Twisting out of the way he smothered an oath and drew his sword and dagger.  The assassin covered head to toe in black, closed on him.  A feint with his sword, followed by a thrust from the side with his dagger had Battleguard dancing back out of the way.  Battleguard smiled slightly, action after the day’s frustrations was just what he needed.  Circling his adversary he flicked out his sword to test his opponent’s reflexes.  It was parried easily, and a swing to his dagger side followed quickly. Stepping in to catch the attack with his sword and deliver a dagger thrust of his own, which was skilfully evaded.

Sparrowhawk watched the two combatants circle each other exchanging strike and counter-strike effortlessly.  He looked familiar, but she couldn’t place him, yet that familiarity nagged at her even as she watched the contest.  They seemed evenly matched, although the slight advantage Vulture had at the outset due to surprise had vanished very quickly, so she suspected that the Prey was the superior in skill.  Was that why she was sent? 
It was then that his cloak fell open revealing his dress beneath - she realised with horror who he was.  Lord Battleguard, the City’s ruler.
At the same moment the cobblestone Battleguard stepped on tipped causing him to overbalance briefly.

It was enough.

Vulture closed in for the kill.  Not pausing to consider, Sparrowhawk dropped lightly to the ground and launched a dagger at him.  Whilst it missed it’s target, it’s purpose to distract Vulture was accomplished.  He glanced at her in surprise, then suspicion.
“What is this,” hissed Vulture, uttering the first words spoken?  “Eagle will kill you for this, slowly.”
“I was sent to watch, listen and report back to Eagle,” she responded.  Never keeping her eyes from him she continued, “now I think he had another, entirely different reason.  To stop you if the target was unexpected!”
“So, betrayed at last. I should have known it would come to this.  No matter your death will be enjoyable, swift, but satisfying nevertheless.  Then Eagle too shall take a much-deserved rest.  Permanently!”

Battleguard momentarily surprised at the appearance of another assassin, and even more surprised at the cultured tones in a feminine voice issuing forth from the assassin, stepped back to watch.  Battleguard’s chivalrous nature would not normally allow him to let a female face danger.  However, something stayed his hand.  That she was no stranger to combat was obvious, and the clinging black outfit made it obvious, especially if one was expecting it, that her figure was all woman as well as all business.  She also knew the assassin in some way, yet had stepped in to save his life, most curious.

Furious blows were exchanged, passionate blows even.  It seemed that they hated each other and were determined to end it now.
“Once you are bleeding your life out in the gutter, where you belong.  I shall take pleasure in ending the life of Rath 'Canur's so called leader.”
“Don’t talk, Fight,” was her only response!
“Frightened I will distract you,” taunted Vulture, venomously.

Sparrowhawk merely pressed her attack more fiercely, delivering a stunning serious of thrusts, feints, and attacks that had him struggle to counter.  Realising he was over-matched, Vulture searched for some means to gain the advantage.  Unfortunately both, in their mutual loathing, had failed to pay attention to Battleguard, who had decided a live assassin would provide far more information than a dead one.  Waiting his opportunity, Battleguard watched the combatants edge closer.  As he continued to get nearer Battleguard took the opportunity to step forward, and rap him firmly on the head with the hilt of his sword. Vulture dropped like a stone.  Sparrowhawk panting eyed him warily.

“Thank you for your timely intervention,” said Battleguard, breaking the uneasy silence.
“It was my pleasure to be of service m’ Lord.  However I must make haste, I presume you can handle him,” the question was not a question, but a statement.  “Be careful, he is tricky, and will have some tools hidden about his person or his clothes.”
“We will keep him safe,” remarked Battleguard, grimly.  “What about you? Will you be safe?”
“Thank you, yes.  But I must hurry.”  With that she turned tail and disappeared into the shadows.  Making her way swiftly, yet carefully, to make her report.  She reflected on the import of what she had to tell Eagle.  Her original intention had been to report either after the ball, or tomorrow.  However the fact that the Prey had been Lord Battleguard himself.  In addition to that Vulture had been captured, she felt it incumbent on her to appraise Eagle urgently.  She wanted to arrive at the ball before Battleguard; a meeting between them must be avoided at all costs, especially so soon after their ‘chance’ meeting.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2006, 05:36:23 AM by Writers Block »
I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline writerfox

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Re: fight scene plus... comments more than welcome Please
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2006, 06:52:42 PM »
Noticed a few spelling errors in your story, as well as some comma missing, but what do I know?  Other than these few little issues, pretty good so far.  I await more of it.  The story seems to be a good one, and some of the characters seem ambiguous in their loyalties.  One big issue I noticed was the female's codename.  Read much Ursula LeGuin?  Refer to my post/your answer for advice on what to do about re-naming your character to something that people will not jump up your @$$ about.  Sorry if that seemd harsh, but I seem to remember that your proclivities seem to gravitate that way.

Offline Donnettetxgirl

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Re: fight scene plus... comments more than welcome Please
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2006, 08:31:51 PM »
WB, good job. The beginning was action packed enough to keep me going. My favorite line was (it was enough) It was a simple phrase, yet spoke volumes. It's simple phrases like that, that get the reader. Writerfox was right about the missing commas. I noticed that. You've got an interesting, little something sparking between Battlegaurd and Sparrowhawk. I liked the way he noticed how she looked. An obvious attraction. Battlegaurd seems like the big bad hero type, yet Sparrowhawk has a little spunk of her own. A little something is building between the two, I would keep that going strong. I'm hoping Battlegaurd has a little sarcasm up his sleeve. Nice build. I would have also put a period, beginning a new sentence as follows-  (Battleguard smiled slightly(period here, instead of-,) (Begin a new sentence here- action after the day’s frustrations was just what he needed.) Can't wait to see more

Donnette

Offline Writers Block

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Re: fight scene plus... comments more than welcome Please
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2006, 05:30:02 AM »
Noticed a few spelling errors in your story, as well as some comma missing, but what do I know?  Other than these few little issues, pretty good so far.  I await more of it.  The story seems to be a good one, and some of the characters seem ambiguous in their loyalties.  One big issue I noticed was the female's codename.  Read much Ursula LeGuin?  Refer to my post/your answer for advice on what to do about re-naming your character to something that people will not jump up your @$$ about.  Sorry if that seemd harsh, but I seem to remember that your proclivities seem to gravitate that way.

LOL harsh is good - read farseer trilogy about twenty years ago.  Bird names are popular in fiction i think, I.m not concerned at this stage, spelling mistakes sadly always creep in (grr).  Commas too come to that.

Thx for your comments Donnettetxgirl, good suggestion on that period.  Yeh there is something going between the two - they meet at the ball later.:)

I am aiming for a happy ending, I dislike bad endings, ambiguous endings intensely.

Thx both for your comments. ;D

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.