Author Topic: Crime / Thriller (about 500 words) Part of a short story  (Read 8749 times)

Offline bobby801

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Hi all - grateful for any comments on this short piece. I've based it on a news article I read recently, which I thought sounded too good not to ignore!! To be honest, I'm not sure where I'm going with it (If anywhere!).

                                     THE CONTRACT

   The café in the ‘Arrivals’ area gave him a good view of the passengers entering the main concourse.  He recognised him immediately from the photograph:  round, fleshy face, thick framed spectacles and a black moustache which contrasted with a shock of  greasy, greying hair. As expected the Client headed straight for the taxi queue.  He seemed oblivious to his surroundings, unusual for a senior Hamas official who might be expected to be more alert to the possibility that he may be under surveillance. Francy - not the name on his passport – checked his omega. He knew that the taxi from Schwechat to the Bristol Hotel in Kartner Ring took 20 – 25 minutes at this time of night.
   He put his black, locally purchased phone to his ear as the Client boarded a black Mercedes taxi. He spoke briefly before snapping the phone shut. No need for a long conversation,  Greta, his colleague, now knew that her role was to obtain the Client's room number as he checked in at the Bristol.

   Francy climbed into his grey rental Mondeo and drove off  north towards downtown Vienna, about 5 minutes behind the taxi. The autobahn was clear and he had just parked in his secluded position in front of the hotel when he received the call. Good news and bad news. The Client had checked in but he'd now returned to the check-in desk, demanding a room change.  Not  entirely unexpected. It was standard tradecraft in this business to change hotel rooms to counteract any eavesdropping devices or cameras that may have been placed by the local Intelligence agencies.

   Francy kept the phone line open with Greta. He knew that her position at the bar gave her view of the lifts and sure enough she saw the Client striding back towards them, clutching a new keycard. Better still she was able to confirm that the lift then stopped at floor three. It was all down to Francy now and he kept his his eyes fixed onto the front aspect of the hotel.’ Distance and Timing, Distance and Timing’, the mantra drummed into his training course at the Academy. And there it was … the room light flaring up in the third window from the western end of the hotel. No other lights had come on. From memory it was probably room 309 or 310. He had to be sure. He checked his notebook – 309, directly opposite the fire escape.

         It was now time to wait and watch. So far it had been a long day but there was no danger of his eyelids drooping – the endgame was approaching and he was running on adrenalin now. Exactly thirty two minutes later, a dark shadow passed from right to left across the window and then the light went off. Time was now 2347 hrs. 

   He gave it another hour to ensure that the client was asleep before carefully fitting his latex mask. It itched and made him sweat but it was a small price to pay for now looking  like a 30 year old brown-haired European instead of a 62 year old ginger-haired Scotsman.  He crossed over to the Hotel, unconcerned about the CCTV coverage in the foyer, nodded to the concierge and  headed straight for the lifts.

   Francy pressed the button for the third floor and opened his jacket to ensure he could get access to his Sig Sauer P60 pistol concealed in his pancake holster . The bell pinged. He got out, turned left into the corridor, keycard in his hand  and reached for his pistol...

Offline kismet2010

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Re: Crime / Thriller (about 500 words) Part of a short story
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2010, 05:37:50 PM »
This won't work as crime/thriller because there is no suspense in your work. You are writing as a movie that the reader needs to know every single detail. Which not true, some of what you have written is interesting but it doesn't engage the reader it actually cause the reader to skim through your work looking for the action/suspense.

best of luck and keep writing

Offline Don

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Re: Crime / Thriller (about 500 words) Part of a short story
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2010, 01:53:35 AM »
Bobby -

This is transparently based on the Hamas killing in Dubai a couple of months ago. I don't think changing the setting to Austria adds anything. You can use some of the details but I would do more to make the story your own.

In the first line, you use the pronoun "him," rather than the character's name. Use Francy instead.  Also in the first paragraph, you have your MC look at his watch by telling us he "checked his Omega." Not everyone is going to know an Omega is a timepiece. You could use Timex or Rolex or simply say watch.

Also, on your choice of firearm, I think if you want to be specific you should say it was a Sig Sauer P228 or 229 equipped with a P60 tactical light. I've never heard this setup referred to as a Sig Sauer P60, but of course I live in a cave and don't get out much.

Good luck with this and keep writing.

Don -
I have a motto: when in doubt, go for the cheap laugh.