Author Topic: My Pitch Please Read And Reply  (Read 10478 times)

Offline Chriscrider

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My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« on: June 14, 2010, 12:53:43 PM »
Pitching has been my biggest worry since starting this 120 page monster of a project. Here is my pitch. Mainly what i will be saying.

Memories of Rain.

Rain is a soldier made by a corporation that wants to take over the world. He was stationed in China when he wanted out so he started killing his battalion when a man shows up and wipes Rain's record clean if he comes to work for them. Rain agrees and goes to the corporation with the mysterious man. After long hours of tests and research the corporation injects Rain with a liquid that gives him powers. Rain then figures out what the corporation wants to do and plans on taking revenge on them. he gathers a group of six elite people and they attack. They fail and Rain is the only one left alive. For the next few years Rain trains and masters his powers when Rain gets a phone call from a friend and he tells him that he will have Rain a new group in no time. Rain has a love named Julia which he tries to avoid her so she will not killed but she keeps on following him. Rain begins training the new group when he gets a phone call from Julia saying she got powers and wants to join the group. Rain had figured out that his father was at the head of the corporation trying to take over the world. he then plans even harder to take them down seeing as how his father abandoned him and his mother. After the group attacks and kills everyone Rain makes everyone inject some of their aura into a clear ball and then makes special tombs that they will be buried in so that when the corporation tries to come back they can too. "The battle will never end."

Offline KayG

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Re: My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2010, 06:26:25 PM »
Hi  ~  I may not be the best person to comment here, but are you sending this out email, snail mail...??  along with your script?  Pitching is so important

Just wondering.  There are a few capitalization and grammer errors and your sentence : 

 For the next few years Rain trains and masters his powers when Rain gets a phone call from a friend and he tells him that he will have Rain a new group in no time.

This seems a bit long and I needed to aread it twice to get the complete understanding.  Try to remove the word "that" whenever possible.  It is usually just extra and the sentence reads better without it.

Maybe - Over the next few years, Rain masters his powers through extensive training.  He receives a phone call and is told a new team is almost ready for his leadership. ...  still needs a bit of work but it breaks up the original longer sentence

good luck. 

Kay
The Sword of Ages: Book One of Tallah Trilogy available at stores.lulu.com/kayscreations, join me on facebook and myspace too.

Offline Chriscrider

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Re: My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2010, 06:43:12 PM »
Thank you im Sending It Both email and snail mail.

Offline KayG

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Re: My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2010, 02:58:37 PM »
Thanks for answering

from my own research a pitch is to include: (basically)

main characters, conflict, genre.  There are 2 main types  - teaser and story.  both may be needed??  it may depend on what is desired.

Teaser - may include the above as well as the cost of making the movie and other films it may resemble...  It is pretty short and to the point

the other type is

story =  it is longer (10-20 mins - but not too long) and included the logline, rundown of the story, the heroes and their goals, conflict, what is at risk and why are they fighting?  Any pivotal or turning points and of course a conclusion.

You should go to the library and find some books.  Even google: script pitch (requirements) or something.  Do a lot of research.  You have a beginning here but under both - teaser or story - you are still missing a few things.

This is you chance to draw them into your idea.  You need to hook your audience and make them see how your script is different and how it can work.  This is just my advise and what I have found.  Maybe add the parts missing - and re post your proposal.  you want it to be amazing and perfect.

I do not want to seem negative here, as i said you have a good start. I do want to encourage you to make it perfect.  maybe others will add more??

Good luck
The Sword of Ages: Book One of Tallah Trilogy available at stores.lulu.com/kayscreations, join me on facebook and myspace too.

Offline Chriscrider

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Re: My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« Reply #4 on: June 18, 2010, 03:03:29 PM »
Thank You very much

Offline danilogarcia2787

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Re: My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2010, 03:45:15 AM »
Cool post.  Any more of this post?

Offline par

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Re: My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2010, 12:52:11 PM »
He started killing his batallion?  okay...so i thought this is a bad guy.  but then, he turns into a kind of hero?

my understanding of a pitch is that it should be fairly short, create excitement in the hearer and brings up questions. 

i pitched an idea to a friend who is a successful screenwriter and she was so interested that the pitch turned into a 30 min treatment.  i told her i'd be more considerate the next time and cut it to 5 or 10 min.

isn't a pitch different from a summary?  i would think so.

Offline Chriscrider

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Re: My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« Reply #7 on: July 13, 2010, 06:21:53 PM »
I do i have 72 pages of script so far hardly anytime to write with college. and thank you for the post i will fix my pitch.

Offline par

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Re: My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2010, 07:09:37 AM »
you're in college now?  good for you. 

Offline John Yamrus

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Re: My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« Reply #9 on: October 05, 2010, 08:20:05 PM »
chris;
not to be mean, but your pitch is so poorly composed and punctuated that if i were an editor or agent and this was on my desk, i'm afraid i'd read no further. 
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Offline DC

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Re: My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« Reply #10 on: October 08, 2010, 09:35:22 AM »
chris;
not to be mean, but your pitch is so poorly composed and punctuated that if i were an editor or agent and this was on my desk, i'm afraid i'd read no further. 

Hi Chris,

There are occasions when John's bluntness gets my back up, but on this occasion I have to agree with him. I doubt I would get to the half-way stage before filing it in the bin.

It comes across to me as a 'first draft', something that has gone through your head and you've written it down as it did so. That's what first drafts are about. But they then need working on to make them readable. Take a long, slow look at this, edit and re-write it, especially with a view, as John said, to composition and punctuation, along with the other suggestions made above.

Having forced myself to read it, I do like the idea of your tale. But as a pitch, this bit needs work.

Good luck,

Dave.
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body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : "Woo Hoo, what
a ride!"

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Re: My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2010, 02:35:20 AM »
I guess I am seeing this late, and I am sorry:

But I have just absolutely need to say something.

First of all. Kudos for you Chriscrider. Kudos for making a valid question, kudos for trying to respond.

Second of all; thank you DC for your respectfull response.

DC is right; please let's take evaluate our answers. Obviously this person is trying to get a simple answer to a simple question. It has nothing to do with how they did or did not word the thread. Grammar, one issue; these days easily fixed with a spell check; half the time I don't use it. Does anyone, really, feel that is important? This is a simple website that I believe is about the creation and development of future writers. Grammar is grammar; end of story. More than that of course is if we can't offer a respectful answer to ones post than.... why bother?
Come on, in this difficult occupation; let's work together, and have a little sensitivity. Thank you.

Sincerely;


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Offline John Yamrus

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Re: My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2010, 08:06:25 AM »
I guess I am seeing this late, and I am sorry:

But I have just absolutely need to say something.

First of all. Kudos for you Chriscrider. Kudos for making a valid question, kudos for trying to respond.

Second of all; thank you DC for your respectfull response.

DC is right; please let's take evaluate our answers. Obviously this person is trying to get a simple answer to a simple question. It has nothing to do with how they did or did not word the thread. Grammar, one issue; these days easily fixed with a spell check; half the time I don't use it. Does anyone, really, feel that is important? This is a simple website that I believe is about the creation and development of future writers. Grammar is grammar; end of story. More than that of course is if we can't offer a respectful answer to ones post than.... why bother?
Come on, in this difficult occupation; let's work together, and have a little sensitivity. Thank you.

Sincerely;


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are we talking real world, or a sugarcoated fantasy world where everyone's treated with fairness and respect?  in the real world, if this treatment ended up on the desk of an editor or an agent, the manuscript would never get read.  you know it and i know it.  saying anything other than the truth is not helping this person one single bit.  this letter needs to be revised.  that's a hard truth.  but, it's the truth.
john
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

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Re: My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2010, 06:31:02 AM »
Well that's great John, but I don't think that's what this is about: And I don't believe this person is looking to throw it on an editors desk tomorrow as I seemed to understand advice and not.....criticism is being asked for here. Sorry but that's the way it reads. Obviously you are not an agent nor an editor. I think what it takes here, is a simple start in lesson of how to pitch and what to pitch. Chill.... please.

Sincerely;


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Offline John Yamrus

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Re: My Pitch Please Read And Reply
« Reply #14 on: October 12, 2010, 08:52:09 AM »
Well that's great John, but I don't think that's what this is about: And I don't believe this person is looking to throw it on an editors desk tomorrow as I seemed to understand advice and not.....criticism is being asked for here. Sorry but that's the way it reads. Obviously you are not an agent nor an editor. I think what it takes here, is a simple start in lesson of how to pitch and what to pitch. Chill.... please.

Sincerely;


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you're right.  i'm sorry i spoke the truth.  i should have sugarcoated my comments and told this person the pitch piece was wonderul and to submit it as is.  unfortunately, i have too much respect for people to lie to them and invest them with false hope.  this thing needs to be rewritten.  and i have to disagree with your statement that you "don't believe this person is looking to throw it on an editors desk tomorrow" .  maybe it won't be tomorrow, but the fact that this person is writing a pitch tells me they're thinking of sending it out.  and if it's sent out in this current form, it's going nowhere.  i'm telling the truth...and sometimes the truth is hard to face.  but, in the long run, whose advice will serve this person better?
john
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/