Author Topic: Fallen - Tears to Roses (a teen tradgedy need opinions) xx  (Read 1240 times)

Offline Yunakani

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Fallen - Tears to Roses (a teen tradgedy need opinions) xx
« on: June 06, 2010, 03:29:40 PM »
This is the first paragraph, to the first chapter of a piece of work. I have finished it and I want to get it published but have no idea where to start....so im starting with you guys, hit me with all you got  :D



“Ghosts are souls that have unfinished business"

“Hey, look you guys, it’s the know-it-all” giggled Jade, pointing her scarred and bruised hand at a young girl walking by. The group of smoking and scarred lads all turned and saw the young girl, in their year, walking towards them her head down clutching her folder. The folder was black with a multi-coloured musical note on it that shimmered in the sunlight. The lads began to laugh and point as she walked by. However one lad who didn’t have scars and bruises didn’t laugh and point. He took a final drag of his cigarette threw it on the ground and put it out with his foot. He put his hands in his pockets and looked at the girl walking by. She had black hair with electric blue streaks in it. Her face was covered but he could tell she was upset about something. The girl lifted her head a little and the boy caught a quick glimmer of something on her cheek. The girl was crying. He watched her wanting to ask her what was wrong but something held him back. Was it because his friends had created a form of barrier between him and the girl? Or was it because he was so different then her? At that moment he finally realised what his friends was saying.
“Guys,” he shouted, the lads and Jade all stopped shouting abuse and turned their scarred and well known faces to face him respectfully.
“Leave her alone” he demanded. A look of shock came over his friends. Jade opened her mouth to talk but quickly shut it again when Lewis, the eldest and the boy‘s best friend, spoke before she could.
“What are you saying Nick?” he asked, “have you seen her” he added quickly with a slight laugh to his tone of voice. A look of evil came over Nicks face.
“Yes I have seen her, and that’s why I told you to stop…she was crying for god sake. I mean why pick on someone because of the way they act or look its just childish. Just leave her alone” he snapped. He spoke so stunningly and forcefully, that as he walked off, following the girl, his friends just stood there as if they didn’t know what had just happened. Jade ran her fingers over the scar above her left eyebrow like she always did when she was a little nervous but she’d never admit that she ever got nervous. Nervousness was a sign of weakness.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2010, 12:25:29 AM by Yunakani »
Xx - I've learned to practice smiling, when I'm feeling sad you know - xX

Offline Don

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Re: Fallen - Tears to Roses (a teen tradgedy need opinions) xx
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2010, 11:04:54 PM »
Y -

I'll start with a couple of things.

First, spelling. Scared means frightened. Scarred means blemished, like a healed wound. You misused that a couple of times and it's the kind of thing Spell Check can't catch. Also, the know-it-all should be hyphenated.

Second thing is correct structure when writing dialogue.

Quote
“GUY’S” he shouted, the lads and Jade all stopped shouting abuse and turned their scared and well known faces to face him respectfully.
“Leave her alone” he demanded.

This is a single line of dialogue and you have it broken into two paragraphs. Guys does not get an apostrophe because it is not possessive. You use all-caps and then tell me he shouted. A bit redundant. Also, you need your punctuation within your quote marks.  The line should read like this:

"Guys," he shouted, "leave her alone." The lads and Jade all stopped, etc.

Hope this helps a bit. You'll have to go through and proof your work thoroughly. Good luck.

Don -
I have a motto: when in doubt, go for the cheap laugh.

Offline Yunakani

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Re: Fallen - Tears to Roses (a teen tradgedy need opinions) xx
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2010, 12:22:39 AM »
thanks don, I'll be sure to go through and change those few things xxx thanks for your help xxx
Xx - I've learned to practice smiling, when I'm feeling sad you know - xX

Offline AzariaScout

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Re: Fallen - Tears to Roses (a teen tradgedy need opinions) xx
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2010, 09:54:28 AM »
I agree with Don, just go back through it and tweek a few things. Also, saying how she "walked by" three times in the same paragraph was a bit of an overkill for me. Perhaps change it to continued walking, or as she passed? Sometimes passages can get too wordy, so try and slim down on that, if you can. But I am intrigued as to the story of all their scars.  :)
Every true admirer of the novels cherishes the happy thought that he alone-reading between the lines-has become the secret friend of their author.-Katherine Mansfield

Offline windia

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Re: Fallen - Tears to Roses (a teen tradgedy need opinions) xx
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2010, 11:00:48 AM »
Perhaps some editing, using spell check should do with revising the dialogue?  I find you have overused  "and" too many times. Shorter sentences would be better. Hope this help.
I am already feeling sorry for the girl.  Good luck.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Fallen - Tears to Roses (a teen tradgedy need opinions) xx
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2010, 11:50:04 AM »
Yunakani, first - you definitely captured my attention with your writing.

Others have already given you some great advise, so I'll not go there. Just wanted to say you did well in painting this scene with your words.

It would make it easier to read online if you left some white space between paragraphs. I know when doing a copy and past of your text it doesn't save your formatting. But taking a moment to fix that before clicking "Post" can make a big difference in how others view and comment on your work.

Smiles,
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Offline Socom

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Re: Fallen - Tears to Roses (a teen tradgedy need opinions) xx
« Reply #6 on: June 13, 2010, 02:48:40 AM »
Hello, Yunaki, since you are relatively new I shall summarize my technique:

IMO = In My Opinion

Suggested changes are in bold, any text with strikethrough should be omitted (IMO), and my comments are in masculine purple italics.

=====

“Ghosts are souls that have unfinished business." (missing period)

“Hey, look you guys, it’s the know-it-all,” giggled Jade, pointing her scarred and bruised hand at a young girl walking by. The group of smoking and scarred lads all turned and saw the young girl, in their year, walking towards them her head down clutching her folder (The latter portion of this sentence feels a tad clumsy to me: "them her head down clutching..." I suggest that you break it up so that the sentences are more cohesive. Example: "...in their year, walking towards her. Her hands clutched a folder; it was black, exemplifying the multicolored musical note on its cover." Something like that.). The folder was black with a multi-coloured musical note on it that shimmered in the sunlight. The lads began to laugh and point as she walked by. However one lad, who didn’t have scars and bruises, didn’t laugh and point. He took a final drag of his cigarette, threw it on the ground and put it out with his foot. He put his hands in his pockets and looked at the girl walking by. She had black hair with electric blue streaks in it. Her face was covered, but he could tell she was upset about something. The girl lifted her head a little and the boy caught a quick glimmer of something on her cheek--she was crying. He watched her, wanting to ask her what was wrong but something held him back. Was it because his friends had created a form of barrier between him and the girl? Or was it because he was so different then her? At that moment he finally realised what his friends were saying.
“Guys,” he shouted; the lads and Jade all stopped shouting abuse and turned their scarred and well known faces to face him respectfully.
“Leave her alone,” he demanded. A look of shock came over his friends. Jade opened her mouth to talk but quickly shut it again when Lewis, the eldest and the boy‘s best friend, spoke before she could.
“What are you saying , Nick,” he asked, “have you seen her?” he added quickly with a slight laugh to his tone of voice. A look of evil came over Nick's face.
Yes, I have seen her, and that’s why I told you to stop…she was crying for god sake (The normal expression is "God's sake" not "god sake"). I mean why pick on someone because of the way they act or look; it's just childish. Just leave her alone,” he snapped. He spoke so stunningly and forcefully, that as he walked off, following the girl, his friends just stood there as if they didn’t know what had just happened. Jade ran her fingers over the scar above her left eyebrow like she always did when she was a little nervous but she’d never admit that she ever got nervous. Nervousness was a sign of weakness. (The previous two sentences felt out of place, IMO; it was more "telling" than "showing" us details about the character.)

========

Let me know if you have any questions.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2010, 02:51:34 AM by Socom »
"May God forgive me for the time I've wasted"
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"God never panics"
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"This too shall pass"

Offline magicunicorn

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Re: Fallen - Tears to Roses (a teen tradgedy need opinions) xx
« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2010, 09:25:23 AM »
hey, you have  certainly caught my attention  also i would love to read some more of your work.
 Spell check is a great idea i swear by  mine as i am not very good in that area.  You have  a nice style with plenty of description of everyone well done
Magic Unicorn