Author Topic: Sry for the double new but here it is tear her up  (Read 1608 times)

Offline Chriscrider

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Sry for the double new but here it is tear her up
« on: June 01, 2010, 07:27:49 PM »
fade in: mysterious house

Rain sitting in a chair in front of a fire place.He light's up a cigar. He starts to talk about his past and about the thing's he hopes to achieve.

rain

I remember it like it was yesterday. he started the machine. so many lives were lost.

shows a huge machine pumping a green and blue glowing liquid through clear pipes. rain and six other men in fighting gear fighting six other men in different fighting gear.

rain

I made a vow to not let that happen... yet... I let it happen. what kind of person am I?

FADE OUT:MYSTERIOUS HOUSE

fade in:battle field

rain is still fighting along side the other elite's. the fight scene continues as rain talks.

rain

they said that the former elite's would never be enough to take down the corp. they were clearly right. all of us but me died. I barely escaped with my life. when I reached town and I blacked out.

rain awakes in a room that he knows, but does not remember. then a young lady walks in and reveals herself as Julia. rain closes his eyes.

Fade out: Battle Field

Fade In: Julia's house

rain

I told you I would come back.

Julia

you came back but barely alive. are the rest of the guys... you know... alive?

rain

no I let them down. I did not deserve to have been in the elite group. I did not even have enough time to use... it. I failed them. I failed everyone the entire earth.

Rain turns his head so she could not see him start to tear up.


Julia

you did what you thought was right rain. you tried and you may have failed but you are still alive so... that maybe you will have a second chance to fight again once you are healed.

rain

I doubt that. fate has turned his shallow, icy cold shoulder on me so that I will have to suffer an eternity of deep, sad, and sorrowful thought on what I have failed to accomplish.


Julia

fate has turned his back on no one. yet you mourn over what you told me would happen are you so weak that you will not even take revenge on the people who killed your friends?

rain

does it matter? my life is worthless. there is nothing in my life worth living for.


Julia

do the people who care so much for you mean nothing?

FADE IN: Road

rain has left Julia's house and is trying to gather information on the people who are the new elite cell. rain's phone rings. rain answers.

booster

yo rain it's booster.

rain

you got me some info?

booster

naw man I got you something better.

rain

what is it?

booster

five more that want to risk their lives for the transformation into elite's.

rain

I can not risk another persons life.

booster

hey man they said they are going to do it even if you don't want em.

rain

well then I guess I have no say, huh?

booster

nope.

rain

I'm on my way do not let them do it yet.

fade out:Julia's House

fade in:booster's place

huge machine in background pumping the same green and blue glowing liquid through some tubes and into a helmet.

rain

you all realize that you are risking your very existence as humans right?

all of the volunteer's

yes.

rain

and you are willing to do that?

all of the volunteer's

yes.

rain

booster lets get started.

booster

alright then you pansy's buckle up this may sting a little.

the volunteers come out alive all of them alive. booster gears them up. rain then tells them to follow him.

rain

once you are geared up mount up and follow me.

all of the volunteer's

yes sir.

rain

booster I owe you one.

booster

just get these guys and destroy the corp.

rain

done and done. lets go guy's.

fade out:

fade in:training ground

rain and the volunteers are in a tunnel type surrounding. the volunteers are split into two man groups and are training. with one left without a partner rain gives him a punching bag. rain is sitting on a rock observing and talking on the phone with Julia.

rain

yes I understand Julia please do not worry. we are training hard.


Julia

well we all know how you are rain. you always say stuff yet you never really intend to do it.

rain

I need to go. I must give them all code names. still have to call him back too.

Julia

you know he loves you rain. your father just could not take the constant arguing anymore.

rain

say what you like but he still abandoned us. I will call you back later.

Julia

alright take care rain.

rain

you too. you seem even more stressed out here lately.

rain and Julia

bye.

rain

alright group up. I have been observing you guys, and I have names. first off I would like to say thank you for the support. yet I think we all know we have a while before the invasion will take place so continue training after I give out names.

rain points to the man to the far right.

rain

you shall be Vapor, because you can completely dissolve and solidify anywhere.

Rain then points to the man next to vapor.

rain

you shall be Solid, because unlike anyone I have ever seen you can take a million hits and never fall.



rain points to the man next to solid.

rain

you... you fall in the middle you are not some one who could attack alone but you need no help when it comes to damage you shall be called Tool.

rain points to the man next to tool.

rain

you are not so easily placed yourself you almost have the same power I do but it is completely different from mine. you can call out weapons from your body. first it looks like just a liquid but then it solidifies. I am going to call you liquid.

rain points to the last person it is a woman.

rain

what on earth made you want to do this? do not get me wrong you have a great power. ability to control all liquid substances that is amazing I am going to call you... prime.


Offline DavidMcK

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Re: Sry for the double new but here it is tear her up
« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2010, 03:31:25 PM »
Hi Chris,

Not sure what kind of review you want. Story content, general grammar or structure. I notice a few structure and grammar issues. I can see that some of your structure problems are because you have copied this from celtx. (Had the same problem myself.)

For what itís worth, this is how I think the start should be formatted.

FADE IN:

INT. MYSTERIOUS HOUSE


Rain sitting in a chair in front of a fire place. He light's up a cigar. He starts to talk about his past and about the thing's he hopes to achieve. (Donít think you need this bit as it should become obvious in the story.)

RAIN

                                               I remember it like it was yesterday.

Rain started the machine.

RAIN

                                                  So many lives were lost.

Shows a huge machine pumping a green and blue glowing liquid through clear pipes. rain and six other men in fighting gear fighting six other men in different fighting gear.


RAIN


                                                  I made  vow to not let that happen... yet... I let it happen.
                                                  What kind of person am I?


Hope this helps a little. Good luck with the script.

David


Offline par

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Re: Sry for the double new but here it is tear her up
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2010, 05:56:02 PM »
chris, i find myself agreeing with david.
it seems that some of your dialogue is unneccessary, in that film is a visual medium and you can show what you are thinking.  you don't necessarily have to say it.  i'd like to know more about the characters  and the general story line.

Offline Chriscrider

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Re: Sry for the double new but here it is tear her up
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2010, 12:21:36 PM »
Thanks for the reply guy's i have about 85 pages done soo close to the 120 break that i have been aming for and i will take your advice i am going to go back into the story and fix all of the no need to be said things i thank you alot!