Author Topic: Writing  (Read 949 times)

Offline cw1234

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Writing
« on: May 22, 2010, 08:57:18 PM »
Woke up extraordinarily early, and wrote a little piece:
feedback, please?

May 23, 2010
Blown Fuse

The cream walls held together his not so typical teenager room. The only personal items were the instruments in the corner, and the few materials sprawled across the small desk. His wardrobe consisted of six shirts, each carelessly rotated between. Despite the missing clutters and useless boy toys, his room reflected his personality. It was not that he was empty, but rather that he did not need earthly things to fulfill his life.
He stared at the three girls in his room, and contemplated what he did to deserve such an opportunity. But his focus was diverted to one in particular. She was not the prettiest, nor the smartest, or the kindest, but she was special in her own unique way.
“Colton?” One of the others, Kristin, caught his attention, “Play a song, please, for me.”
   But instead of answering, Colton kept watching Morgan, sitting at his desk. Reading his English paper from earlier that year. Wondering what she thought of it and deciding whether or not he should stop her to avoid letting her read his emotion in the paper. He nonchalantly traced the shape of her cute button nose on his leg, and tried not to let his eyes wonder down past her neck. The third girl, Kasey, watched him stare at her, jealousy rising in her chest, and slowly spreading through her arms. She wanted him, as did Kristin. But of course, his feelings were not   mutual with either of theirs.
Colton picked up his guitar, beginning to feel the strings under his fingers, and letting them find the chords on their own. He began to strum, plucking each one carefully, trying hard not to mess up. Morgan did not even glance in his direction as the sound slowly filled the room. His heart sank lower than the titanic, or so it felt. His playing began to slow, and his mind stopped caring about what sounds came from the guitar, he felt it did not impress her at all.
   Morgan continued reading, feeling his passion put on paper and sensing the true story behind the story. A real event, with changed names. She wanted ever so badly for him to be with her, but of course he would never want someone like her. Especially when Kasey and Kristin were obviously begging at his feet right now, and they were way more gorgeous. She knew at that moment that she would never have him, not matter how badly she so desired it. Besides, he was leaving in two weeks; her chance never existed, and never would.
   Morgan looked up, “Play a song I know, please,” she sweetly commanded. Never before had he been so nervous to play a song as he began to strum the chords. He thought of the lyrics in his head, not daring to sing them. The lyrics that made him think of her, the song he often listened to when he was thinking of Morgan, her long blonde hair and dark green eyes. The other two girls seemed to fade in the room, as his eyes could only see her, and he felt as if he was playing for her alone, and no one else.    
   She watched him strum the song she knew so well. The song that Morgan listened to every time she thought of Colton. His toned body and free spirit. In her head, the lyrics played over and over like a broken record, and she felt the desire in her heart to be with him. But reminded her self that it would never happen. Colton was not hers to have, and that was the truth of it, or so she thought.
Suddenly, it was in that moment an electric current formed, and ran through him, the same one that was sprinting through her.  For a split second, they both felt the urge to hold each other, questioning whether or not fate was finally theirs. Could it be so? They both felt each others craving for the other one, and thought this was it.. Their eyes met, and could not leave one another’s gaze. The strong current was connecting them.
   Kasey accidently kicked the headboard, jolting both of them back into reality. Colton felt embarrassed for thinking he and Morgan would end up together, and hoped that no one could sense his emotions. Morgan silently told herself to stop dreaming, he was way too good for her, feeling shameful for ever imagining that he could feel the same way.
   As he finished the song, and put his guitar down, Colton knew that he would never have any intimacy with Morgan. No matter how badly he wanted it.  But that moment, he would hang onto forever. For the rest of what seemed like forever, he would think of it as the time that he and Morgan shared an electric current, and that too soon became a blown fuse. Broken, shattered, and never to come again. In his longing heart, he realized Morgan did not feel the same way, and tried so hard to his fantasies about her, forever.
   Their feelings for each other remained an undiscovered mystery, and joined all the other missed opportunities and regrets, in non-tangible place called the past.

Offline Kowboy

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Re: Writing
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2010, 12:18:54 AM »
cw1234:

This is some kind of teenage frustration story? It wasn't very interesting, I just didn't care about the characters.

Kowboy

Offline GMack

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Re: Writing
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2010, 01:07:32 AM »
cw1234, thanks for offering this. I like the rhythm of your sentences, the way subordinate clauses add depth.

I don't want to speak for kowboy, but perhaps his observation is because it's hard to know who the primary character is. As I read through it, I found myself struggling to identify with one person versus the other. You might be getting into "head hopping," since I believe I read subjective observations by Colton ("beginning to feel the strings under his fingers") just sentences away from perceptions of Morgan ("feeling his passion put on paper and sensing the true story behind the story"). It's really difficult for a reader to orient themselves and identify with a character. I've been advised that you can change point of view from scene to scene and chapter to chapter, but shift point of view within a single scene and you are inviting reader confusion.

So my suggestion would be to choose a point of view and stick with it for this entire scene. And that might be interesting. Perhaps Morgan is observing the entire episode, feeling moved, jealous, engaged, isolated. And along the way, we identify with Morgan. Or perhaps you choose Coulton as the point of view.

One more observation regarding the first paragraph. There are a couple of statements that seem to be telling the reader what you want all of the symbols to suggest. For example, "not so typical teenager room" and "his room reflected his personality." If you've done a good enough job of painting a picture of this room, you don't need to tell the reader what all of these images and symbols mean. They will conclude that on their own.

Pick a single point of view, paint a picture, and let the reader draw a conclusion from that picture, and you'll have a solid scene.

Thank you for letting us read it. Best of luck.

Offline Khad

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Re: Writing
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2010, 06:05:30 AM »
Hi cw1234

I agree with GMack. You need to pick a central character and stick with their point of view. Possibly Morgan, who seems to be most affected by the situation. Explore her frustration and despair....Only a suggestion though.

One other tip. When posting, try separating your paragraphs with a double space. A solid block of text may put some readers off.

Regards

Ken
"If there is no wind.....row"
Latin proverb

Offline jakuper

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Re: Writing
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2010, 01:03:09 PM »
You describe things in such a vivid way, that I felt being there in the room, watching all four. I really liked the writing (though the topic itself isn't too close to things I like to read)  :D