Author Topic: The Underbeasts (poem for children)  (Read 12124 times)

Offline Mini

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #15 on: January 22, 2006, 06:40:13 AM »
Excellent!

Just printed off to have a good ogle. let you know if I have any comments later.

Mini

Offline ChipTee

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #16 on: January 22, 2006, 07:18:36 AM »
As a grandparent Underbeats is certainly one to buy. I look forward to it.
For what it's worth I think a good illustrator will enhance the tale. I have been told by a much published childrens' book author that publishers (in the UK, at least) prefer to marry their trusted illustrators with authors' tales rather than being sent mss with illustrations already packaged - unless the 'team is already well established.
All best with the publishers, regards, Chip

Offline Mini

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #17 on: January 22, 2006, 09:05:43 AM »
Hi again,

Any comments, well just a few. if you intend this for publication anywhere but Britain I would consider a change to the third verse. maybe bartering with a toy currency rather than a monetary one. I put sword because I thought it would add to the indignation of James when he finally looked under the bed, and Chris can't play with his whilst it keeps the beasties at bay.

"That's it! Well done! Now what's it worth?
To rid those Beasties from your Berth?
Let's see ... your console ...  your sword  ... your frisby      
Good show! Now if you'll follow me ...

I'm sure you can make a far better substitute if you wanted something more international. 

The last two lines of the next verse don't flow so well either. It seems far fetched that James suddenly becomes so loud. May I suggest:

What's That? And that? Hey! There's your sword!
C'mon what else is here?" He bravely roared.

I hope you don't mind, I showed to hubby, and he chuckled at it too.

It is fabulous.

Mini









Offline GlennQ

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #18 on: January 22, 2006, 02:30:17 PM »
This is truly wonderful!

but not just a poem...   this I see as a book.  Break it down into a suitable number of lines or a stanza per page, with an illustration on the opposite page (or something like that)...

anyway, congratulations - wonderful work!

G

Offline chillies

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #19 on: January 22, 2006, 02:47:22 PM »
GlennQ has a point here. This poem could be turned into a book. Perhaps you should look into it, see if you can get a publisher to supply an illustrator, and hey presto.

Good thinking G.

Seriously look into it and good luck.

chillies

Offline Symphony

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #20 on: January 22, 2006, 03:13:18 PM »
Once again - thank you for all your support. I'm completely gobsmacked but I am definitely looking into it now.

I'll keep you all posted whatever happens!

Symphony

sjreed56

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #21 on: March 03, 2006, 01:18:58 AM »
How fun! Delightful! I agree with  GlennQ. I can visualize the illustrations already.

katinka

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #22 on: March 03, 2006, 06:50:22 AM »
Great children's poem. I remember being four years old the first time I was afraid. Wish I had read your poem then, lol. I love rhym and agree that children love rhym, I hope.
It speaks to every child and spoke to me about my fears, thank you. :)

Offline Symphony

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #23 on: March 03, 2006, 11:57:20 AM »
Thanks again for taking the time to comment. I'm working on this one now.   ;D ;D

Symphony

Telcontar

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #24 on: March 03, 2006, 12:28:35 PM »
Hi Symphony,

A bit late perhaps, but I just read it. Brilliant, wonderful, I wish I'd known the secret when I was a kid! Yes, I can just imagine this as an illustrated story, good luck with it1!
Dave.

P.S. I've got a few spare picture frames, so I think I'll print it off, and give it one all to itself, if that's OK with you!

Offline Lorraine

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #25 on: March 04, 2006, 08:34:17 AM »
Symphony

I really loved this. It reminded me of Roger Mcgough(if that's how you spell his name). It particularly struck a chord with me because my husband (he would kill me if he knew I was writing this) used to be terrified of monsters under the bed when he was a child. Does your use of "nowt" signify a Yorkshire twang because he's a Yorkshireman - perhaps it's somehting in the water?

Lorraine

Offline Symphony

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #26 on: March 04, 2006, 08:55:22 AM »
P.S. I've got a few spare picture frames, so I think I'll print it off, and give it one all to itself, if that's OK with you!

I'm flattered!   ;D ;D


Lorraine - thanks for your comments, too. I wish the publishers would read it with such enthusiasm!!   ;D

Telcontar

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #27 on: March 04, 2006, 09:16:23 AM »
Hi Symphony,

If I had kids, or grandkids, I'd pin this to their bedroom door, just to annoy their Mum!  ;D

One thing I've just noticed. The lines:

'cause here's the thing: the fiends that creep
Under the bed when you're asleep


How about substituting 'Beneath' for 'Under'? Might just be me, but 'Beneath' came naturally to me as I read it, and it seems to make the line flow better...

Oh, and if I'm going to frame it, I need to know your name, to give it its due credit. Email if you don't want to post it.

Dave.

Offline Shina

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #28 on: August 18, 2006, 06:40:50 PM »
Symphony.....That Underbeasts Poem would make a Terriffic picture book!  And .... I am a Mum of 9... so take it from me....it's NOT too scary for kids these days! They would LOVE it to bits!!!!
 
I realise that it was months ago that you posted that on this site...do you have it published now?  I jolly-well hope so!

Cheers...
Shina.
.... At least weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!

Offline Tyger

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #29 on: August 19, 2006, 12:33:58 AM »
Adorable!
Move over Dr. Seuss!

If you make the underbeasts look kinda cute, it won't be too scary as a picture book.

I'd buy it. And I'd let my nieces read it.
Their mom would hate me...heeheehee...