Author Topic: The Underbeasts (poem for children)  (Read 13169 times)

Offline Symphony

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The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« on: January 20, 2006, 09:39:06 AM »
Would love any comments on this, please. Originally, I had it in mind as a picture book mms because I thought the imagery might be strong enough (unbiased ???  ;D) - but perhaps it's too scary for picture-book ages?? What do you think? Any suggestions welcome. Thank you very much,
Symphony



THE UNDERBEASTS
or
THE BEST EXCUSE EVER FOR NOT TIDYING UNDERNEATH THE BED!
 
“I’m really scared,” my cousin said,
“Of monsters underneath the bed,
But you! You dangle both your feet
Quite freely from beneath the sheet,
Without a worry; not a care
‘Bout underbeasties lurking there
That could quite simply snatch your toes
Or worse – your feet? Your legs? Who knows?
And yet, you still seem quite at ease,
So tell me – what’s your secret? Please?
How can you be so brave” he said,
“With underbeasts beneath the bed?”
I looked at James and he at me,
And I said “James, you’re kidding me;
You really think that I’d take fright
At monsters only seen at night?
Well, James, you’re absolutely right!

Me? A hero? Not a chance;
I used to wet my underpants;
If truth be told, I’m not that cool,
(But please don’t tell the guys at school.)
You think, when all the lights are out
I’d dare to let my toes creep out?
Or let one foot go near the floor
Unless my mum was at the door?
NO WAY!” I said. “I’m just as scared
As you, or Dan, or Bully Baird,
But I’ve a secret, works a treat,
So underbeasts can’t eat my feet.

Come over here, but Wait! Watch out!
Best try to jump, not walk about;
My bed is safe but yours is not
And underneath’s a dangerous spot.
That’s it! Well done! Now what’s it worth?
To rid those beasties from your berth?
Let’s see …. How ‘bout, say, 50p?
Good show! Now if you’ll follow me …

Climb off the bed and sit right here -
There’s absolutely nowt to fear,
Not even underbeasts – I swear –
Would choose to live with what’s in there!”
So – slowly – underneath he peaked
And “Blimey, Chris!” my cousin shrieked,
“What’s that? What’s this? Hey! There’s your sword!
C’mon! What else is here?” he roared;

I paused – just long enough to blink –
Then turned to James
“Well, let me think …
There’s one toy car, one chocolate bar,
Some comics, one large coffee jar,
A half-made model aeroplane,
Three postcards  - that I bought in Spain,
Two tennis balls, one white, one green,
A baseball cap, a fart machine,
A catapult, an Action Man,
My Batman tee-shirt, empty cans,
Banana skins, one locker key,
My sister’s favourite DVD,
Two stinky socks (they’re not a pair),
An apple core, one teddy bear,
Five books, some jigsaw pieces (ten),
A shoe lace, Billy Bagnell’s pen,
And biscuit crumbs and broken toys,
And several things that all make noise,
And Dad’s old mobile phone (don’t tell),
(And someone’s credit card, as well!),
And smelly pants, now full of fluff,
And … what? You think that’s lots of stuff?
But that’s not nearly half enough.
Good stuff, bad stuff, old or new,
Your sister’s stuff, your brother’s, too;
The more things you collect, you know,
The fewer underbeasts below,
‘Cause here’s the thing: the fiends that creep
Under the bed when you’re asleep
Need room to stretch and yawn and scratch
While waiting for some toes to snatch,
But here, midst so much mess, you see,
There’s barely room to fit a flea,
So I can safely leave my bed,
And play with all my toys instead,
No need to wait ‘til morning light,
It’s much more fun to play at night!

So now you know, James, now you’re set
To quell your own bed-beastie threat,
Just cram that space with every bit
Of nonsense that you think might fit -

But James, I warn you, be prepared –
A price you’ll pay to not be scared,
The yells, the shouts, you must endure,
From angry Mums (of this I’m sure) -
“What a mess!” and “Clean that floor!”
And things like that – you know the score,
So look your saddest, face all glum -
Fight bed beasts, yes, but not your Mum!
A useless task, and pointless, too,
She’ll always win. It’s life – it’s true!
I’ve suffered this for years – first hand,
And Mums will NEVER understand
Why under beds must messy stay,
To keep the underbeasts away!

Offline tigger

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2006, 10:06:27 AM »
Symphony?

I LOVE it! If this were a picture book already on the market, not only would I buy it, I would recommend it to my friends with children, the kindergarten teachers at the school where my children attend and any one who sat in my chair at work (who mentioned to me they had a  little boy or girl). :)

Really Great Work!!

I love it...

Had a smile on my face and could envision the entire display of images rushing through  my head the whole time I read... I should see if I can remember the name of my friend's Children's Book Publisher to give you... It's been a while so I'd have to dig through my stuff (I tend to write tidpits on slips of paper when I don't think I will use the info...:S I'm sorry for that at this moment!

You've got my vote!
:);)

Offline chillies

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2006, 11:49:21 AM »
Symphony, I agree with tigger, It was magnificent.
I'm totally gobsmacked

chillies

Offline Lieutenant Dan

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2006, 12:02:03 PM »
 :D

That was FANTASTIC!  What a gift you possess!!

Lin

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2006, 12:41:16 PM »
I have to say that I really enjoyed this poem and so did my husband!!   You need an illustrator now and you certainly have a wonderful piece of work!!   Get it published immediately!!!  Id buy it just for me!   Its the sort of book Grannies can read to the kids!!   Love it to bits, nothing but praise!!

Lin

Offline Symphony

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2006, 01:48:24 PM »
OH MY GOODNESS!!!

Thank you so much! I'm gobsmacked at those most wonderful and welcome comments. I shall definitely try and find a list of publishers to send it to now. I sent it to one a little while back but they said it was too reliant on rhyme?? I thought that was an odd thing to say about a rhyming poem, but I think I know what they were getting at ... maybe ... perhaps ...

I now have renewed energy and will get 'posting' next week.

Tigger - would love the name of that publisher if ever you come across it again ...

And now ... it MUST be time for a glass of wine. Anyone like to join me?

Can't stop smiling. What a lovely way to start the evening!




Jayel

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2006, 02:09:00 PM »
Marvelously delightful - and not just for children.  I identified with the unrational fear of "beasts under the bed, in the closet, in my head" as the Metallica song so eloquently says.

Congratulations on a wonderful bit of rhyme.  I have been told by other poets that the current market for poetry does seem to be a bit down on 'rhyme' - but one would think that children's poems in particular would encourage it due to the fact that it follows the pattern used when teaching reading.  With talent like yours, you should be able to hook up with an illustrator and put together an entire book of poetry.  Good luck with it!

Offline Symphony

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2006, 06:46:53 PM »
Thank you very much, Jayel

 ;D

Lin

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2006, 07:49:29 AM »
I agree about the rhyming, I think that kids love rhyme, its something you can do which helps them with words that "sound like".  Its both educational and fun.   It also helps them to learn about poetry as opposed to stories.   A step further on from Nursery Ryhmes.

Get some help from someone on this site - ask for assistance from our more experienced writers.   Maybe they can come up with some ideas for you to get  the right publisher.

You need to write to a few publishers, apparently its the way of things these days, dont hang around waiting.   I need a colleague to look at your poem in case they havent seen it.  You might get a comment can't promise.

Lin

Offline Anitadee

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #9 on: January 21, 2006, 08:16:23 AM »
I love the poem,I too had visions of pictures running through my mind. How talented,I have tried poetry (for my own amusement) and I hate the non rhyming poetry. So go for it but get the best illustrater you can. It's a winner!
Anitadee

Offline chillies

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #10 on: January 21, 2006, 08:22:33 AM »
I agree Anitadee, I also cannot stand non rhyming poetry. I somehow feel cheated if a writer has not even tried to make it rhyme. It's so common now for that to be the case - perhaps it's easier that way.

chillies

Lin

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #11 on: January 21, 2006, 08:41:54 AM »
I got one last message for you.  Have you heard the poetry of Pam Ayres?   She is quite famous in the UK for her poetry and TV appearances.   She writes in a similar style to yourself and has many books published.

Here is a link to her web site
http://web.tampabay.rr.com/jownley/pamayres.htm
There are lots of her poems on that site Im sure you will enjoy and consider her style, Im sure its something you would certainly enjoy.

Lin

Offline Symphony

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #12 on: January 21, 2006, 09:54:21 AM »
Thank you very much, Lin. Yes, I remember Pam Ayres - I used to love listening to her reading her poems on TV (so many years ago I'm scared to work it out!!). I'd almost forgotten about her, so it's been lovely to log on to her site and read her stuff again.

I'm up for absolutely any help that I can get. Lin, who would you suggest I send virtual flowers and chocolates to for that extra little help with my poem? I know there are some very experienced people on here but could you suggest one or two that perhaps I could PM?

Thank you so much for your interest and support! This is great!

Symphony


Lin

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #13 on: January 22, 2006, 04:24:05 AM »
Suggest you put out the 'feelers' on a new subject eg

Help Wanted with publishing a poem , refer to the poem on the Review Board

Then say what you want from this piece and lets see if you get some takers.   I hope you dont mind but I let my daughter read it and she loved it.  Said it was exactly how she felt as a child. She is 22 now.

The Moderators and many other people on the site may have some suggestions for you, so start a new thread and see what comes out of it.   Im afraid I have no experience in this field and I dont think there is much which needs changing in the poem itself.  So you probably need an illustrator, but I suggest you ask for assistance on the forum.

Good Luck and Ill keep an eye out for progress.

All the best

Lin


Offline Symphony

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Re: The Underbeasts (poem for children)
« Reply #14 on: January 22, 2006, 04:40:13 AM »
Thank you, Lin. I'll do that right away,

Symphony