Author Topic: Please read: Prologue.  (Read 1955 times)

Offline "lorraineofkeli"

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Please read: Prologue.
« on: June 19, 2006, 02:31:48 PM »
Hi, I would really appreciate some input on the opening to my story. I worked on it a long time ago and since wrote more to the story but I haven't touched it for a long time now. I'd really like to get into the swing of things once again.
I know it doesn't make sense what the story is about yet. I'm hoping it encourages you to want to read more  :)  It's only brief so it won't take up much of your time I promise  :)

Thank you, and any comments will only be helpful.
Lorraine

-----

I didn't intend for it to be this way.
I never knew such things existed.  I wish I had never learned.
Don't pity me though - I had it coming and I'll take my punishment. It doesn't seem enough to say sorry for what I've done, for the damage I've caused.  So I won't say it; I no longer have use for words anyhow.

As I look through these empty, lifeless domes of depair, captivated endlessly by that twisted soul destroying crescent as it shines in the distance, I am forced to realise the evil embodiment of which I now represent.

My task now is to keep my existence hidden from you, to keep you guessing while delivering you the "sanity" you crave.  Yet I deliver it at a price - one that you will not, CAN not be aware of.  I hope for your sake it remains that way.

Retain your constant quest for knowledge dear Reader, but do not delve to a depth you cannot fathom.  Climb and fall, try again if you wish, but if you reach me - you have come too far.  So sleep...

Offline Cathy C

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Re: Please read: Prologue.
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2006, 05:34:41 PM »
Hi Lorraineofkeli,

if your intention was to encourage the reader to want to read on, then you have succeeded.

I found your introduction intriquing, I want to know who the narrator is, what they've done that is so bad and why and how you can deliver 'our sanity?'

A couple of things though stood out:

Quote
I never knew such things existed.  I wish I had never learned.

This doesn't seem strong enough to follow the first line, although not knowing the story I could be wrong. :-\

Quote
As I look through these empty, lifeless domes of depair, captivated endlessly by that twisted soul destroying crescent as it shines in the distance, I am forced to realise the evil embodiment of which I now represent.

Again, not knowing the story, I am unsure if this is an actual description of a place or the way you feel inside? The last line reads awkwardly, although I don't know why :-\ but I would change it around: I am forced to realise that I now represent the evil embodiment of.... But then, maybe you don't want to give too much away at this point?  ;)

Really like your style of writing and can't wait to read more.

CATHY C
Novel: Where There’s Smoke. Published by Fireborn publishing http://amzn.to/2tZKNCn

Short Story: A Killer Week Published by Bridge House http://amzn.to/2rhLVAX

Offline Writers Block

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Re: Please read: Prologue.
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2006, 07:33:26 PM »
Hi

Liked what you wrote - I agree the second line needs some work.

Quote
you will not, CAN not be aware

My only other comment is the capitalisation of can it seems unnecessary, maybe it even detracts a little.  If you wish to emphasise it then I would use a comma after the 'can not'

What you have written makes me curious, I want to know what is to follow, who are you?  Just don't dissapoint the reader. ;D

I tend to critique in a harsh manner. Please remember it is not personal, but how I prefer anyone critiqueing me to be. It is far more useful IMO.

WB

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Offline "lorraineofkeli"

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Re: Please read: Prologue.
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2006, 08:59:26 PM »
Hi, thank you both for your comments and I will certainly take them on board and work on them.
I have to apologise for the CAPS on 'can'. It was originally emphasised, but I wanted to post my message in bold..and instead of just italics I decided to highlight it with capitals.
I realise it makes for confusing reading at the moment. I have a habit of confusing the reader-I find it's the easiest way to intrigue the reader into finding out more. Either that, or they just think I'm crazy!  :)
When I'm next on, I will upload the synopsis to provide hopefully more clarity about the story :)

Thanks again guys.
Lorraine