Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique

[DavidMcK]

Hi Par,

I’m not being brave.  I don’t belong to a writers group and I have no friends interested in writing, so if I didn’t post here then I would have nobody to give me advice and point me in the right direction. To get the feedback you want I find it best if you put a short note at the top of your piece to tell people what you want to get out of posting.

If you post something and then later think that you no longer what to show it you can remove the content of your post.

I hope this helps.

Good luck.

David

[par]

it does.  thanks.  i have really very very harsh critics, so i cowardly keep my stuff to myself.

[AndyPNE]

Hiya. Wow i really like what you are doing here. I like how you just go straight into things with the story line. No hanging around. Thats great. I like how you painted the picure of the characters back story within something like six or seven lines. Sci - fi normally isn't really my cup of tea but it was the characters and the pace of it that left me wanting more. What are your plans for when you have finished the script? I could picture this as a very immersive summer blockbuster.

[DavidMcK]

Hi AndyPNE,

Thanks for the positive reply, it‘s very encouraging when people like my stuff. This is the pilot of a thirteen part series. I have this finished and the second part is almost complete. I’m gonna enter it into a competition, there is a UK production company who are looking for new drama series, this is probably the wrong genre but I‘ll try anyway. I might try it with the BBC.

David

[irallan]

Trying my hand for the first time too David and am as lost as to format and technicalities myself. Liked that it flowed well, and you have me interested for more, but as seems to be the theme here could be a generic start for many in this genre. Like the personalization of the character with the family background, written in as you have. Am new myself as I have said and am still feeling my way as to standards and etiquette.Warm regards..Iain

[DavidMcK]

Hi Iain,

Thanks for the positive and encouraging post.

David

[Patron]

Hello DavidMcK;

I was looking back too see if you've submited any more.
As I said before I enjoy the scence changes; although I was wondering when you said "script" in the beginning of your heading, I was curious as to what type of script you had in mind. The type of course makes a tremendous difference in your style. Anxious to hear.... .


Sincerely;


Patron

[irallan]

Hi David you probably have it sorted by now but this site I got from  the forums favorite sites helped. It shows all the formats for all types of scripts and gives US and UK guidelines.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/insight/scriptsmart_formats.shtml

[DavidMcK]

Hi Patron,

I’ve finished this script and the next in the series. I submitted it to a competition that had over 1500 entries. Needless to say I did not win. Not to sure what to do next, I’m sitting on this with the hope to edit in a few months.  Lacking a bit of confidence to do anything more, I suppose I should get an agent or possibly start sending this to the likes of the BBC.

I’m a bit reluctant to post more as there is not much feedback in this section of the forum, also, I do not want anyone using my ideas. I will have a read through the two scripts of this story and have a think about posting some more.

Hi Iain,

I’ve been to that website and used it to learn my formatting, the whole BBC writers section on their website is brilliant. Well worth our licence fee.

David

[Patron]

I feel for you. I truly know the feeling. I'm sorry you didn’t get the feed back you were hoping for.

I have to tell you however, please please please keep submitting your work to every possible opportunity you can find.

As far as submitting to an agent; well, I would say two things: Be careful and please don't let them get you down.

Also, don't be scared for one simple submission or because you didn't receive the energy you were looking for on the post. It's the way it is. Sorry but, basically it happens.

I believe you've got something going here. I saw a couple of things that you could improve upon but, like you I have some reservations about posting; not important though.

I want to personally encourage you to look at every possible opportunity to make yourself seen; please do it before you edit. You mentioned you would edit in a few months. I don't think it's good to wait so long, although I do agree with a short down-time. Sometimes we wait so long to edit we change and confuse the story line to the point, editing becomes a never ending nightmare. I also understand your fear of theft of idea; however I would suggest you take what you've got and submit to the Writers Guild. You do not need to be a member and registration is very easy and equal to a U.S. copyright. This is not a lock tight guaranty of your work but it is substantial. If you haven't done this please, please do this right away. The security this offers will help you in your endeavors.

Furthermore, I would like to offer my help in any way you see fit. Why? I see a few good pieces pass my desk a year. I already told you some development needs to happen but you've got the basics; the best I will offer you is those basics and a quick step in the right direction. I won't give contacts or a special jump up. That is on you my friend; I will however do my best to put you in the right direction, if you would like.


Sincerely;


Patron

[DavidMcK]

Hi Patron,

Thanks for the encouragement.  I know what I need to do and that’s join a local writers group. I need a network of friend who can help me and in return I can help them. My main problem with this is, that because I mostly write sci-fi, people wont get what my writing is about.  Most people could call on a few close friends to read and help them with their work but my friends are all football fans and petrol heads, not a sci-fi fan among them.

I think the main thing I need to do is bite the bullet and just start submitting. The reason I don’t submit is because every time I edit something and put it aside I find lots wrong with it when I come back to it. Never have I put something aside and came back and though ‘this is just great’. I put this down to I’m still learning.

At this rate I’ll probably never submit anything but I’ll keep trying to improve. 

David

[Patron]

Hello David;

Don't worry we've all been there. I've done this more times than I can count. It's anatural process. Your brain absorbs things outside of your story, but somehow end up leading back to your story and you feel the need to edit. Many and most times over-editing.

One thing as I was just glancing through the posts; you recieved some software info. Celtx is decent in my opinion but not  quite up to par. I think you will really enjoy the Final Draft program. It offers many things that celtx falls short on. You can gat a free trial download and check it out for yourself.

Keep posting and keep submitting; you will win in the end.

Sincerely;


Patron

[Scripter]

David, I'm sorry about what happened I mean, in as far as getting constructive feedback on this forum is concerned. I'm partly to blame for that but I can make up for it, right here, right now.

Well to begin with, most screenwriters submit their work to script competitions not to win but to get exposure because at times the top three scripts get read by people who count, in the industry that is, an agent probably. So it's possible more experienced writers submit their work and as this was your first script it's easy to notice the difference. That done, I'd like to let you know that if your work is copyrighted, I can offer a critique off-site. It might be helpful for the re-write because editing alone won't be enough. All the parts of a script must work for one purpose so format alone either isn't enough.

One thing I noticed is the script isn't written in standard spec format. In a spec script, you write only what happens in the script. No titles, credits  etc. I'm more into film scripts than tv scripts but I'm sure there are distinct similarities. But as for your fear that your ideas can be stolen, well, sometimes you have to take the risk because if you keep a script in a file and probably hand it friends to offer a critique they'll only say nice stuff about it but when you submit it....

All the best anyway.

[DavidMcK]

Hi Farmboy,

Thanks for the advice. I think I need to look more into the style and formatting of this type of writing. I really appreciate the offer of an off-line critique, I’ll keep this in mind after I give this a complete re-write.

Again, thanks for the constructive feedback.

David