Author Topic: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique  (Read 10348 times)

Offline DavidMcK

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Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« on: April 08, 2010, 05:01:23 PM »
Hi all, this is my first script. I was just wanting some feedback on my general layout. Is it formatted correctly? Do the descriptions and speech suit this style of writing? Basically, am I writing it properly? I normally write novels and short stories. Feel free to critique.

Many thanks in advance.

David.



Act I

1.EXT.VESTA

Asteroid Vesta rotates reviling the base, sun beyond.
Titles over
ĎASTEROID BASE VESTAí

2.EXT.SPACE SHUTTLE

Space Shuttle lands at Vesta base.

3.INT.JIM CARTERíS OFFICE

Jim talking on the video-phone to his wife.

CARTER

      Are the kids in bed?

CARTERíS WIFE

      Yeah, they went down about two hours ago, Iím gonna wake them up soon so they can watch your Jump-Drive live.

CARTER

      Good, Iím glad theyíll see it.


CARTERíS WIFE

      Iíd never let them miss their Dad making history.

CARTER

 Maybe when Iím famous youíll want to marry me again?

CARTERíS WIFE

      I never wanted the divorce. It was you; you and your career, anyhow, I donít think Kevin would be too happy.

CARTER

Smiling.

      Howís he keepingí? I suppose heís being a better Dad to my kids than I could ever be.

CARTERíS WIFE

Heís doing fine and youíre a good Dad.


Intercom sounds.

CARTER

      Sorry Amelia, give me a second

Carter presses a button on the intercom.

CARTER.

      Go Ahead.


COMMUNICATION OFFICER.

      Sorry to disturb you Dr. Carter but General Blair had just landed.

CARTER

      Thatís great Anna, Iíll be right there.

Carter switches the intercom off and turns back to the picture phone.

CARTER

      Sorry love but this is it, Iíll call you once Iíve made history.

CARTERíS WIFE

      Good luck Jim, me and the kids will be watching.

CARTER

      Give them both a kiss from me, I love you all. Bye.

4. INT.ALPHA.CORRIDOR

Carter walking down the corridor towards the General. The General is waiting impatiently, he is with two of his guards.

GENERAL BLAIR

      Ah Carter, I was beginning to think the experiment was called off.

CARTER

Still walking towards the General with hand extended for a handshake.

      Sorry Iím late General, we were just finishing our last few pre-flight checks.

GENERAL BLAIR

The General, flanked by his two guards, walks past carter ignoring his hand.

      Lets get a move on, no point in wasting more time.

CARTER

Stands stunned at the generals ignorance, turns and runs to catch up with him.

5.INT.TRAVEL-TUBE.

Carter runs into the travel-tube just as the doors close. The General and his guards are already inside.

CARTER

      You seem to know your way around the station General.

GENERAL BLAIR

      I familiarised myself with the schematics on the trip over.

CARTER

      Do you know much about our new Jump-Drive?

GENERAL BLAIR

      I know everything.

CARTER

      Well General, I am impressed. Most dignitaries like yourself are only here for token gestures.

GENERAL BLAIR

      Iím here to see my new engine.

CARTER

      Your engine?

GENERAL BLAIR

      Have they not told you yet? As soon as this test is successful I will be taking the Jump-Drive.

The travel-tube opens and the General and his guards walk out leaving Carter aghast.

Dskull

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Re: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2010, 02:15:19 AM »
good beginning i like it and you kinda pulled me in i want to know what happens next, just try not to ruin it all with a clichť story. keep it up

Offline DavidMcK

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Re: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2010, 05:18:26 PM »
Hi Dskull,

Thanks for taking the time to comment, Iím glad you liked the beginning and got pulled in. I too hope my story does not become clichť. Iím pretty sure it wont .

David.

Anyone else, please feel free to comment on style, story, layout or whatever.

Cheers,

David.

Patron

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Re: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2010, 01:29:13 AM »
Hello DavidMcK;

I just read it. Excellent job with your scene changes. I like the story and want to see more.

Be careful with your action scenes/descriptions and transitions. It's always good to give the maximum amount of information with the least words possible in a screenplay. Hope this helps and I look forward to reading more.

Sincerely;


Patron

Offline DavidMcK

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Re: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2010, 04:12:46 AM »
Hi Patron,

Thanks for commenting, I happy that you want to read more. I was just going to post this snippet so that I got the format correct, I now have twelve minutes of my script, I’ll post some more later.

David.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2010, 04:40:49 AM by DavidMcK »

Offline Finhorn

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Re: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2010, 04:32:24 PM »
For formatting, I don't know what I'm talking about so don't trust me.

I went and glanced at an old twilight zone script that my brother has and it looks to be in the same format that you're using. If you're really worried about it, I know that they sell programs that do it for you and once upon a time I saw a template online for Word. Good luck. 
~Itís awfully quite in here but thatís only because Iím not screaming yet.~

Offline DavidMcK

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Re: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2010, 04:28:50 PM »
Hi Finhorn,

Thanks for commenting. Iíve looked several places on the internet for the correct format and most of them seem to have slightly different layouts. This is a bit of a mixture of a few of them. It works for me so I hope itís correct.

David

Offline ma100

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Re: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2010, 05:31:51 PM »
Hi David.

There is a free script writing software called celtx. It formats for you.

Offline DavidMcK

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Re: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« Reply #8 on: April 22, 2010, 03:31:37 PM »
Hi MA100,

I am downloading CELTX as I write this, thanks for the tip.

David

Offline DavidMcK

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Re: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« Reply #9 on: May 02, 2010, 10:04:13 AM »
I have tried CELTX out and have found it very good. It is brilliant for formatting my script properly. There seems to be some excellent additional features but unfortunately you have to pay to get them. However, there is one major drawback. You cannot transfer your format to other packages. There does not seem to be a save as a word option and if you cut and paste it is all justified to the left. This is very disappointing because if it was not for this I would use it for scriptwriting.

David

Offline Kiryana

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Re: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« Reply #10 on: May 09, 2010, 01:42:24 AM »
Very intresting segment. Not much I can say at far as critiquing goes being new to this whole writing thing. But, I figure a comment saying that what I read was good could at least provide motivation to keep on writing.
Kris
"Whether we bring our enemies to justice, or justice to our enemies, justice will be done."

Offline DavidMcK

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Re: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« Reply #11 on: May 09, 2010, 05:44:17 PM »
Hi Kris,

Thanks for the positive comment. I was hoping to post more but I have re-written the start so I will need to post this bit again once I have finished the whole script. I have 38 minutes of script; for a one hour show I need 48. The main story is finished but I want to work in a subplot to bring me up to 48.

David

Offline par

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Re: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« Reply #12 on: June 09, 2010, 11:19:49 AM »
i enjoyed reading this.  characters and dialogue are clear and interesting.  don't know about the storyline yet, though, so i'd be interested in reading more.
i gather this is for a tv show.  where would you shop it....for a sifi network?

Offline DavidMcK

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Re: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« Reply #13 on: June 09, 2010, 02:52:09 PM »
Hi Par,

Thanks for the comments. Its for a new SCI-FI TV show, I took a break from editing my novel and wanted to try something different and this is the result. I have finished the pilot episode and have outlaid plans for most of the first series. I live in the UK so I might try and pitch it to the BBC at some stage(I originally had no plans of pitching it). Iím was going to post more but I donít want to give away any ideas. Iím now going to sit on this for a few months before I resurrect it and give it a final edit with a fresh pair of eyes.

David

Offline par

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Re: Episode 1 start, 500 words. Please critique
« Reply #14 on: June 09, 2010, 07:13:04 PM »
you're awfully brave.  i've been sitting on something for awhile now too and am trying to get up enough braves to put some of it up here.  not quite sure how to do it yet, though.