Author Topic: SPEEDY TAKE 2 ! Some swearing.  (Read 1530 times)

MrsButler

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SPEEDY TAKE 2 ! Some swearing.
« on: March 28, 2010, 09:23:41 AM »
 C H A P T E R   O N E

Speedy
  
Wilbur always arrived at the park shed at the crack of dawn. It was his favourite part of the day, a great time to read his newspaper in peace, do a crossword and put his feet up before he opened the park gates. At the rear of the shed, near the entrance, hackles raised , his eyes fixed on the shed door, ajar and barely hanging from its hinges. With trepidation he entered his beloved, dingy abode.  

Through a filthy window, dark shadows filtered through crooked trees as his eyes adjusted to the dim light, he lifted his spectacles and pinched the bridge of his nose. A tramp had spent the night .Evidence of his possession was everywhere. An empty wine bottle, biscuit crumbs, sweet wrappers and a sinister looking pile of brown waste near the wood burner. Wilbur lifted his trusty kettle, and knitted his brows together as he examined its contents, several sachets of cup a soup, pot noodle slopped inside. He banged it down on the table and began to clear up the mess.
***

    
Speedy hated school, the other kids always teased him about his ginger hair and freckles and the fact that he hadn’t on the latest designer gear. He knocked on his sister’s door and passed her a cup of tea, just as she liked it.“It’s nearly half past; you should be out the door by now.” He gestured towards the door.

She styled her hair to fall across one eye, and trembled at the prospect of venturing outdoors. Pull yourself together she thought. “Thanks for the tea, Speedy.”

“Mum’s in bed,” he droned, his eyes shifted to the ceiling.

“What’s new?” She took a quick sip of her tea, ruffled his hair and walked out the door.
***
 
 He always took a shortcut to school, and walked through Stanley Park; the place was full of nooks and crannies and at the far side of the park, near a tall grey wall was his special place. Through the trees and bushes, he fought his way, like a brave warrior. The tree swing was flanked by two banks, and there was a dip in the middle, full of soft mud that made a soft landing if you fell on your arse .A girl in a gingham dress sat on his swing, Speedy paused for a moment to weigh up the situation, took a deep breath and approached at a snail’s pace. He stooped, then picked up a dandelion and presented it to her.

“I’m not a wee the bed,” she said.  

“I never said you was, girl. Anyway, why aren’t you at school?” He examined her as he spun her around. She was extremely pretty, if you discounted the insipid, watery blue eyes, probably around nine years old, missing baby teeth. Wispy blonde hair tickled his nose as he spun her around and around, she smelled of apples.  

 “I’m bunking off aren’t I, knob? Stop spinning me. I’m dizzy, stop, stop please. I have to go.”

 He allowed the swing to come to a halt. His eyes hot, and intense as they bored into her face, he had her under his command now. Fingers curled tight together in a fist as he registered the fear in her eyes, he shuddered as he heard the delicious, crunching noise of his hand when it connected with her jaw.  
 
 ***  

  A gush of wind tore through his ginger hair, as he sprinted across the park, working skinny legs till his baggy pants sagged round his arse. Speedy crouched on the ground, sniper style, and pretended he had a rifle. Eyes fixed on the cocky watchman’s shed, wide like saucers as he clocked the bicycle propped up at the side. Old Wilbur was a trusting soul, what a wanker he thought as he tiptoed to the bike and knelt down on the ground beside it. Tongue popping out from the corner of his mouth as he let down the tyre’s.  

The shed door creaked as it opened. Speedy scrambled on the ground, crawling onto his belly out of sight, like a soldier in combat. He heard voices. Three of them.  

“I’m afraid there are a lot of boys of that description that walk through the park, Mrs?”

“Yes. But I want you to tell me which one of them did this to my daughter’s face? Look at the kip of her; she’s got a split lip and scratches all down her back. If I get hold of the little bastard who did it I’ll punch his lights out.”

“Now let’s all calm down…”

“Calm down? Aren’t you supposed to be the caretaker of this park?”

“Well yes, but that hardly means I’m a babysitter. My responsibility is to maintain and protect the park grounds.”

“Oh, I can see I’m wasting my time, come on Jessie.”

“Oh, before you go. What’s your daughter’s name, so I can make a note of the incident?”

“Jessy.”

Speedy shifted uncomfortably from his position, he was sure that he had been right.

“Jessica Lee.” Said the woman’s voice.

 
« Last Edit: March 29, 2010, 03:08:20 PM by MrsButler »

Offline LRSuda

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You say this is an idea for a story. So, as far as ideas go, it seems to me this is a good one: impoverished kid on the fringes of society who is struggling to make sense of his world. I would suggest working out a strong plot, however, as this is a theme that has been done nearly to death-- which isn't to say it should not be done again. It seems to me the plot you chose will be what makes or breaks this story idea. Ask yourself questions such as; what is the conflict Speedy must resolve? what or who is the antagonist? can the conflicts be resolved? In the answers to such questions you'll find your plot.

Hope that helped.  :D

Lisa

MrsButler

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Lisa,

I have a plot in my mind. I'm setting Speedy up as a bad kid, getting the reader to distrust him and be shocked by him... building up the cocky watchman as a humble, placid character... when all the time he 's a seriall killer murdering people in the park that he guards... might even make "Speedy" the hero of the story.

How does that sound?  What do ya think?

Mrs B

Offline LRSuda

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Sounds good to me. I'm a big fan of the flawed hero.  ;D

But, given this added info, I would like to make one more suggestion that could, to coin and twist a cliche, kill several birds with one stone.

I gave this another read and what seems to be lacking is tension in the scene. As it reads now, it seems almost a "day in the life" kind of thing. Not that there is anything wrong with that but the current trends, at least here in the States, lean toward strong hooks and high tension. So, and this is just my opinion, why not add the necessary tension by showing conflict between Speedy and the caretaker right from the start? Depending on how you approach this tension, you could cast further doubts about Speedy in the readers' minds, make the caretaker look like Speedy's victim, and give the reader a clearer idea of where the story is heading without giving away the later twists.

Anyway, it's something to consider. And, once again, i hope that was of some help.

Lisa

MrsButler

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Quote
I gave this another read and what seems to be lacking is tension in the scene. As it reads now, it seems almost a "day in the life" kind of thing. Not that there is anything wrong with that but the current trends, at least here in the States, lean toward strong hooks and high tension. So, and this is just my opinion, why not add the necessary tension by showing conflict between Speedy and the caretaker right from the start? Depending on how you approach this tension, you could cast further doubts about Speedy in the readers' minds, make the caretaker look like Speedy's victim, and give the reader a clearer idea of where the story is heading without giving away the later twists.


Great idea Lisa,

And thanks for your comments, you have been most helpful.

I'll take your advise , rewrite and hope you come back to see if it's improved.

Alison :)

Offline LRSuda

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I'll definitely come back, Alison. Feel free to drop me a pm when you re-post so I don't miss it.

Lisa

Offline Mark H

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Mrs B

It's a good idea.

Is watchman the new name for a park keeper? I confess I'm not up to date on park security.  :)

If this is going to be a full length novel I think you may need to slow the pace a bit. You have a hell of a lot going on in a very short time-frame. The conflict between boy and mother is worth exploring in more depth.

Try to avoid (easier said than done) statements like this: the pain exciting him, causing him to be aroused. Try to show him enjoying the pain.

When you proof a piece, try and spot logical flaws. For example if you throw a stone "into" a pond it can't then hit a duck. So instead have him throw it towards the pond.

Consider the order things happen within a sentence (cause and effect). Mother yells, boy jumps, boy hits knee on table. That's better than: boy hits knee on table followed by explanation as to why.

Slavering lips -- unless the kid has rabies that's a bit OTT.

I have read the end a few times but I can't picture it. What's going on with the doors. Who's going in and out and how does the parky manage to sneak up on speedy?

Mark
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MrsButler

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Mark,

Wow!  I have more work to do.... ::)

I will come back and work some more on this piece of writing asap... and then I'll give you and Lisa a shout (if you're not busy) :P

This is an idea for a short novel...a cocky watchman was a term used for park caretakers in Liverpool  in the past...don't known if anyone still uses the term today.

Anyway, my cocky watchman...his name is Wilbur... is a wolf in sheeps clothing... and Speedy is gonna end up my hero (I know that's hard to believe... but I shall try)
Mrs B