Author Topic: An old piece I found among my work...  (Read 4990 times)

Offline tigger

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An old piece I found among my work...
« on: January 19, 2006, 04:33:19 PM »
Here is a morsel from a piece I wrote for a class I took in 1991. I edited what was originally written slightly. Please let me know what you all think...:)


Final Judgement

Every member of the dark horde had been ordered to assemble. Now, as each bloated entity of sulphurous gas waited impatiently for their leader to arrive, curses could be heard rising like filtered smoke from the mass. Something was astir. A  matter of grave importance. Though each member wondered, at first none dared ask the other. Still, the whispered murmurings arose and tension brewed.

As the essence of what humans call 'time' began to slip past, the atmosphere grew thick with concern. On other occassions when they had been called to assemble this way, the matter at hand served an excruciating purpose. The whispers and grumblings of rememberances of those occassions began to escalate in pitch. Within a hair's breath the consistancy and confidence of the gathered beings that their leader would not arrive for a while gave them a false sense of comfort. They relaxed their inhibitions. Then, the volume of what began as whisperings grew in tone. Without notice, the intangible check that kept questions that were at first being mumbled inwardly fell away. Grumblings and growls began floating insidiously to the surface. The gathering had gone from being silently reverent, to being disorderly and rough.

It was for this reason that the beings were caught off guard when the oppressive nature of the dark, dank envelope of space surrounding each one of them became more weighted and burdensome. The murmurings ceased. But it was too late. Their leader had arrived. Now there would be hell to pay.   

Offline chillies

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Re: An old piece I found among my work...
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2006, 04:48:05 PM »
Wow. That really blows me away. I love writing like this, full of atmosphere and promises of hidden dangers. Perhaps a little too wordy if you don't mind me saying, although It would take a better man than I to improve it. This is the sort of thing you need to start a fantasy or horror novel, something that grabs the reader by the throat right from the outset.
I think you've got something here. You want to work on it. You've got a winner.

chillies

Offline Lieutenant Dan

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Re: An old piece I found among my work...
« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2006, 05:14:32 PM »
I thought it was cool....nice sense of foreboding and establishment of atmosphere.  Sounds like it could bloom into a great page-turner!  :)

Offline tigger

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Re: An old piece I found among my work...
« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2006, 08:08:32 PM »
Hi there Chillies and Lt. Dan,

Thank you so very much for your interest! I really appreciate your comments. This is the first writer's forum I've ever joined; even though I've always wondered what a "real" writer or editor would think about my work.

My friends all like my work and one writer I know, who has over 30 children's books to his name, invited me to contact his publisher, except I haven't got a 'children's project' in my name. So, I haven't done that yet.

In the meantime, I'm really glad to see that you both cared to read this through. I particularily liked reading the comment 'a little too wordy'... I've been told this throughout the course of my life from my English teachers... LOL...The sincerity of your words were not only a special reminder, but  necessary and much appreciated!

Thanks again guys...:);)

Offline Symphony

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Re: An old piece I found among my work...
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2006, 06:56:00 PM »
Hi Tigger,

Great piece of writing. Drew me in instantly and, more importantly, kept me there! Some super images. Definitely a beginning to something longer! Or just a Dark Tales type of flash??

There were a couple of sentences which I had to read more than once and they still bothered me a little (which doesn't say much, but I thought I'd point them out anyway  ;D)

Quote
the matter at hand served an excruciating purpose.
Try as I might, I had problems with this phrase 'fitting in' wth the rest. Perhaps it's that very cliched 'the matter at hand' that jarred with the rest of your writing, which was wonderfully imaginative. (*whispers* and I wasn't quite sure about an 'excruciating' purpose - but I don't know why. Helpful, eh?)

Quote
Without notice, the intangible check that kept questions that were at first being mumbled inwardly fell away.

I've now read this at least a dozen times and I still can't quite get it to make sense. I'm obviously putting the wrong stresses somewhere - would love to know if anyone else has problems with this sentence.

Minor nit-picking. What do I know? Nada. Great writing. Looking forward to seeing more,

Symphony

Offline tigger

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Re: An old piece I found among my work...
« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2006, 04:48:07 PM »
Thank you Symphony, for your critque! I appreciate your comments.

It's amazing how difficult it is, at times, to be objective about your own writing.

When I wrote "the matter at hand served an excruciating purpose", I meant it to convey that 'other gatherings similar to this one, proved to cost something in the manner of pain' (does this make sense?)

Ha!

It's interesting how the fact that my intention was not clear to you (the reader) makes me want to make the phrase clearer and more concise. If I decide to 'do' something with the entire piece, I'll have to work on a tight rewrite!

The second quote is probably the one that gave 'chillies' a sensation of wordiness...LOL... What I meant by that line was that the only reason they kept themselves from rowdiness to begin with (fear of reprecussion) was forgotten as time passed and their leader didn't appear.

Thanks for your concise comments and the encouragement to continue. These are much appreciated!!
:);)

Offline goldanon

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Re: An old piece I found among my work...
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2006, 02:18:53 AM »
HAHA! this is great!  My first thought on reading it was - poetry.  It moves so fluidly and what BALLS! (for a writer) - It starts at dangerous (a tough spot to climb up from) and MOVES and keeps MOVING till you get to HELL!  Now that is GREAT!
I have to agree that "excrutiating purpose" doesn't really make sense but the word I'd delete wouldn't be 'excrutiating.'  I'd have you rewrite it so that excrutiating would remain, and somehow make sense right at that spot...

Offline tigger

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Re: An old piece I found among my work...
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2006, 07:21:10 PM »
Well hello Goldanon,

What an enthusiastic review! I must admit nobody has ever spoken to me in those terms and ever so much as 'chocked' a chuckle out of me. While you, on the other hand, have brought a smile to my lips that I had trouble wiping away.

Now that you've gone and challenged me, I'm sitting here thinking about whether or not I should work with this piece. Barring that, I can just sit back and wonder: do I have what it takes to move forward  from such "a tough spot"?

Ha!

All that's left for me to do is 'think and scribble, scribble', until I find the answer to that question.

We shall see...
:);)

Thank you for your short, impacting and heartfelt thoughts!

:);)

:);)