Author Topic: I wouldn't care  (Read 1540 times)

Offline lena

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I wouldn't care
« on: June 13, 2006, 05:08:06 AM »
Well here is my new poem. I'm not sure that it's good enough. Please help me improve it.  ???

I wouldn’t care if you go
I wouldn’t care if you stay
I wouldn’t care if you love
I wouldn’t care if you hate
I wouldn’t care if you hurt
I wouldn’t care if you heal
I only care if you say
The things I need
The things you mean
 

« Last Edit: June 13, 2006, 05:16:50 AM by lena »

Lin

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Re: I wouldn't care
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2006, 08:00:30 AM »
Hi Lena,

I hope you dont mind me being harsh but I wasnt sure about this poem.   Perhaps if we knew more about the reasons for writing it, I could comment with more understanding.

The things I need
The things you mean

Those two lines I didnt understand.

Call me old fashioned but there was just too much repetition and the only words in there which meant anything to me were GO, STAY, LOVE, HATE HURT AND HEAL.   I think you could have written something more about those words instead of the repetition.  To me it wasn't poetry.

Sorry I cant say anything positive about this, but I know you could do better.  Instead of the repeated words try and say more about the above words , go , stay etc

I didnt care if you had to go
Nor did I care if you stayed.
There were no feelings of  passionate love
And my heart inside had hate


Now do you see how you can make a poem without repetition but saying almost the same things.

This is just an example now you carry on where I left off!!




Lin
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« Last Edit: June 13, 2006, 08:06:23 AM by Lin »

Offline Bryn

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Re: I wouldn't care
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2006, 08:55:16 AM »
I agree with Lin, there's obvious strong emotion to be portrayed but you have to be careful when you use binary opposites that they are both necessary and enhance the poem and that one doesn't appear just because the other does.

Good luck, Bryn.

Offline lena

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Re: I wouldn't care
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2006, 03:09:36 PM »
Thank you both.  I wanted to get a piece of advice on this poem.  Now I see clearly what to change in it.  Thank you ever so much again.
P.S Lin, you weren’t harsh.  Sometimes, criticism helps.  In this case, it definitely has. 8)