Author Topic: Watchful eyes  (Read 5980 times)

Offline chillies

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Watchful eyes
« on: January 19, 2006, 04:28:29 PM »
Watchful eyes

The moon so full and bright that night, patrolled the dark scene with its light.
As wise Owl - who perched on his tree - hungry Vixen he spied to see.
She gently crept: so cunning, so sly - a meal to catch she did try.
Her cubs secure in a safe warm lair, hidden from the cold-damp night air.
But then, up above grey clouds appeared, and thunderous light its head it reared.
With crack and flash it gave fright to the birds and beasts of the night.
And so, no creatures that night slept, but watchful eyes throughtout they kept.
Fear not. The dawn of a new day will send those thunder clouds away
and in the sky rainbow will appear, to fade away that night's fear.
The sun through white clouds will then peep, and only then will wise Owl sleep.

Lin

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Re: Watchful eyes
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2006, 04:19:56 AM »
OIh yes definately my kind of poetry.   I think you could improve some of the words to make them sound more pleasing to the ear
Eg  'a meal to catch she did try' could be something like  'pounced her prey with barking cry' and did you mean to put your rhyming words on the same line?

What do you think of this?

The sea was calm and the water so clear
I watched the sea anemones and those rocks to fear,
And shells, on the white sand, as if there had been
No water there at all the cover the scene.
The hotels and houses backing the beach
Gleamed in the sun they were trying to reach.
Outside the harbour the sea was a deep
Turquoise,  deceptively gently in sleep.

An excerpt from a poem I wrote in 1974 but I think you get the idea of how you can run one line into another.  Just another possibility.  Your poem was definitely my kind of listening.  Lovely.  More please!!

Lin
« Last Edit: January 20, 2006, 04:26:47 AM by Lin »

Offline chillies

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Re: Watchful eyes
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2006, 05:06:47 AM »
Hi Lin,

I agree 'Pounced prey with barking cry' does sound better. As for putting the rhyming words on the same line, I wasn't quite sure how to set it out.

The excerpt of your poem is precisely what I was aiming for. It has a clear progressive nature about it which makes it flow - just like the flow of the water itself.

Tell me, did you publish this poem?

chillies

Offline Lieutenant Dan

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Re: Watchful eyes
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2006, 09:18:31 AM »
I loved the imagery in both poems on this thread.  Both were very aural and I felt like I was 'there' in both cases!

Hey Lin....on this part:

"Outside the harbour the sea was a deep
Turquoise,  deceptively gently in sleep."

I didn't know you could 'drop' a word down to another line that would logically go at the end of the preceding line (Turquoise)? 

Offline tigger

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Re: Watchful eyes
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2006, 10:35:38 AM »
Hi Chillies,

Lin's suggestion to you is wonderful!

The fact is, if you re-write the poem with the lines set out as they should be read, you will discover they have a rhythmic beat to them, which I think is called a 'metre'. That rhythm sets your pace and makes the poem pleasant to the ear. Whenever you're off your beat, you may like to try switching the words into something that fits in more easily, just as Lin did.

The poem really has great potential. :):)

(I would write it out like this:) (I've used different words to show the difference in flow)(Please feel free to replace them with your own again...:)

The moon so full and bright that night,
Patrolled the dark scene (spreading) light,
As wise Owl, perched (high on his) tree,
(A hunting) Vixen (he did) see.
She crept (so cunningly) so sly,
(Pounced her prey with barking cry)~ (Lin's line)
(A meal back to her lair to bring,
Where cubs with hunger squeal and sing...)

I'll stop here... so you can continue... HAVE FUN! :)
thanks for the images your work created!
They really are great!
:);)

Offline chillies

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Re: Watchful eyes
« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2006, 11:38:47 AM »
Thanks for your help Tigger.

You know, this poem has been kicking around inside my head for years, one of these days I'm going to see about getting it published.

I will of cource include your amendments and that line from Lin also.

thanks again

chillies

Offline Symphony

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Re: Watchful eyes
« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2006, 07:11:27 PM »
Chillies,

What lovely observations here - and I really enjoyed all those images.

Definitely worth that little bit of re-working, as suggested above - those lines need to swoop like owls do, with purpose and rhythm

Good stuff,

Symphony

Lin

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Re: Watchful eyes
« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2006, 03:49:54 AM »
Chillies
It'll cost you ! Only joking, honest, its a lovely poem and I wish you every success.   If you need me to work with you on it,  just ask,  Id be delighted to voluteer.  You probably know Im a birdwatcher and owls are my forum.   I also have a wonderful owl poem, a kind of long ditty, its the story of how I found a baby owl and reared it myself, its very amusing.

I sometimes think I write poetry better than text.   I hope my first novel takes off, Suzie is doing the editing and now we are in the stages of putting it together, I expect it to be a long haul throughout this year but its quite fun.  Its a slow process lots of experimenting with sentences and words, but so far she hasnt needed to change much, just the punctuation, Im fine with spelling.

Ill probably,  at the request of others,  put the rest of my poem on the Review page!   It kind of goes with my book though, its the poem that inspired me to write the novel First and Last Outpost

Lin
« Last Edit: January 21, 2006, 07:37:41 AM by Lin »