Author Topic: A Man's Touch.  (Read 2447 times)

Offline Bryn

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A Man's Touch.
« on: June 11, 2006, 09:01:09 PM »

A Man’s Touch

Pin cushion-skin, holes, tiny
Holes with sand granules in,
And the littleness that time impressed
With sedimentary weight:
She’s undressed, and very, very late.

She favours leather. She favours dark brown.
She’s lying down, but she’s light as a feather
So scoop her up:

See how her bones slip through your fingers?

She’s asleep, but if one of you makes a sound
Don’t ‘shush!’ or she will litter the ground,
And they’ll be lucky to find her under your nails.
She’s so dead. She’s mutton and cinders
And the lines on her palms are the oldest Braille.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2011, 03:42:37 AM by Bryn »

Offline randomElf

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Re: A Man's Touch.
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2006, 06:09:11 AM »
Well Bryn, I'm not suprised you fell in love with this one. I'm very taken by it too. The rhyming here, well it's so suttle in places, almost dreamy, and like I said before, your pace is perfect.

See how her bones slip through your fingers?
Yes I do, like liquid sand in an almost empty hour glass was the image my mind conjured. Maybe not necessarily the one you had in mind, but then that is a privelage the reader can enjoy.

The only thing I would have added to this poem is what she smelt like, or what the air around her smelt like, or maybe what the room smelt like. Something to give me a sniff of the atmosphere. I just like assailing as many senses as possible in poetry, and I think here this particular sense could work well. Of course though only if it works in practice. Up to you if you think it may fit somewhere.

Don't 'shush'
and
oldest braille.
Yes! Great lines. The rhyming of braille and nails, so bloody suttle you crazy fool!

Have you made any attempts at publishing any prose or submitting for competition? I am about to embark on the latter, and is always good to know what others are doing.

Offline randomElf

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Re: A Man's Touch.
« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2006, 06:18:55 AM »
Sorry, I forget to mention that why I really like this poem is because it draws me in to the experience. The question in the 3rd stanza forces me into the scene (without actually being forceful). I can really picture what's going on and the image of her lingers long after the words are read.

I look forward to more.

Offline Bryn

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Re: A Man's Touch.
« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2006, 06:35:09 AM »
Elf,

I've submittted a few things for competitions and invariably got no where. I have also sent out a portfolio of short stories and poetry to a few literary agents but have heard back only once, and in the negative. I'm slightly embarrassed because i was rather harsh on here and i said that one poet didn't bother to incorporate any of the other senses than sight...and i've pretty much done the same. But you're dead (clever Bryn) right about smell, it would be very atmospheric. Cheers for pointing it out and thanks for the critique.

Bryn.

Offline randomElf

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Re: A Man's Touch.
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2006, 07:35:38 AM »
Bryn I float the same boat and have also submitted short stories to no avail. Such a tough nut to crack, and sometimes when I read some winning prose I think, What the F&*% was that about. But then, who am I to judge? No winner to be sure. Still, I endeavour to buy anthologies of winning stories (normally bundled with poetry) to see what is making headlines these days. I used to think you could write great stories with wonderful turns of phrase and descriptions and from the heart and people will snap up instantly what you mean. However there seems to be great folly in writing for yourself alone, and I am trying to incorporate the readers feelings and read the judge's minds now as well. It's slow going as you just cant seem to please everyone, ey! I'm not even sure if comps are the best way to give you an indication of your prowress as a fiction writer.

Much why I have turned more attention to poetry of late. Not as much rejection yet. I like your style of writing and think even your posts read like prose. I would be keen to read one of your short stories. If you like, I propose a trade perhaps 1 for 1 with critique included. Anything under 5000 perhaps. Let me know if you would like to discuss details. If not, well then no matter, but the offer is there to shake in hand.


Offline Bryn

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Re: A Man's Touch.
« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2006, 08:16:55 AM »
Yes, I see no reason why not. I haven't bothered to post any prose on here yet because poetry is shorter and i keep getting sidetracked.

I often find when writing (prose particularly) that it is easier to write with a single person in mind, someone you know fairly well and each time you use a phrase or clever device, imagine their reaction and tailor it to enhance that reaction. WHen i write prose, i am almost entirely projecting into the mind of the reader. There is a small risk of making other individuals feel alienated but generally thismethod produces a very accessible piece of work, i find. Anyway, my email is is on my profile if you would prefer to swap stoires that way; i am not that familiar with the rest of this site and if there are length-constraints on posting. Look forward to receiving something. (put STORY in the subject line so i will spot it amidst the junk)

Tootle pip, Bryn.

Offline randomElf

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Re: A Man's Touch.
« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2006, 08:57:01 AM »
Great, I'm at work now, but will send via email this evening. Just return your story to that address.
Have stuck to posting poetry for the same reasons.

Chat later.

Elf

Offline actpoet1

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Re: A Man's Touch.
« Reply #7 on: June 13, 2006, 04:03:57 AM »
Bryn:

This is a great piece -- but I do agree with Elf about using the sense of smell. And one other thing.

[but she’s light as a feather]

Sorry, but since that is used so often, I doesn't have the punch it should have. Cut and use something esle.
Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm

Offline Bryn

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Re: A Man's Touch.
« Reply #8 on: June 13, 2006, 09:09:48 AM »
Oh damn, and it rhymes so well. But i think you're probably right.

Slightly bitter thanks for spotting it.

Offline Ve

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Re: A Man's Touch.
« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2006, 11:55:41 PM »
Bryn,

My dear you are human before you are a poet and a good poet you are. I could learn much from you and yes I would love some of your finer tips. Just remember one thing "we are all of a like mind, we love to write". Just some do it better then others yet those others eventually become better. As long as we don't give up.

Your poetry and words in the context that you use them have helped me broaden my sentence structure. So some good came out of all this. When I write I am asking for constructive critisism.

You've done well so keep up the great work.

Ve