Author Topic: No thanks (Adult/Rude)  (Read 2069 times)

Offline drab

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No thanks (Adult/Rude)
« on: February 23, 2010, 07:45:43 PM »
"No thanks"
I said
when she
offered seconds,
the price was
too high.
"I'll rub
your rhubarb
if you lick
the beast"
she said,
stilettos
probed
the contours
of my spine
mixing sweat
with blood
as her delicate heels
slipped
from one vertebra
to the next.

"Momma needs
more lovin"

An empty Choo box
and the end
of a strap
barely visible,
draped over
an open trash can
as if
attempting to escape,
told me
what Momma really wanted,
what I couldn't afford.

Much as I like
munching
the hairy beast
and relish
the afterdrool,
a poet's lot
is poverty,
only the clever ones
make the money
and unfortunately
although I'm smart,
I'm no
cunning linguist.





« Last Edit: February 25, 2010, 07:48:25 PM by drab »
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline John Yamrus

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Re: No thanks (Adult/Rude)
« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2010, 07:50:02 PM »
although older than the hills, that final pun is still fun.  the one thing i'd suggest, though, is clarifying your punctuation.  it's awfully shoddy and often downright wrong.  for maximum effectiveness and punch, i think the poem also runs a bit too long.  it needs some cuts, although by all means, save that fine last line.
john

Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Offline DIZI

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Re: No thanks (Adult/Rude)
« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2010, 05:20:03 AM »
Hi Drab,
You put it up, I see.

Quote
what Momma wanted,
Possibly really wanted
JMO.

twisted wheel

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Re: No thanks (Adult/Rude)
« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2010, 05:55:52 AM »
that last line is a killer drab ;D

Offline drab

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Re: No thanks (Adult/Rude)
« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2010, 06:01:09 AM »
Thanks DIZI.
Cheers Daryl, as JY says it's as old as the hills, but sometimes the oldies are still goldies.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline Amie

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Re: No thanks (Adult/Rude)
« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2010, 08:07:16 AM »
I like it, but I'm having difficulty reconciling 'stilettos' with 'delicate heels'. Is that supposed to be ironic?
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline drab

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Re: No thanks (Adult/Rude)
« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2010, 08:19:22 AM »
Hi Amie,
These heels tend to be very thin ie. delicate.
Regards
drab
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline Amie

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Re: No thanks (Adult/Rude)
« Reply #7 on: February 24, 2010, 08:26:56 AM »
That would make sense if you were talking about walking down a cobbled street, but when you're talking about walking along someone's spine, I think the skin and muscle tissue will succumb first. It's like trying to imagine a delicate stake or scalpel. JMO, as ever. :)
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline Bobby

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Re: No thanks (Adult/Rude)
« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2010, 10:22:55 AM »
I see the hairy beast makes another cameo. Good.
I thought the delicate heels were her feet applying just a little extra pressure.
I liked the poem... erotically painful  :P

Offline DIZI

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Re: No thanks (Adult/Rude)
« Reply #9 on: February 24, 2010, 02:35:48 PM »
As I read again I have to agree, delicate perhaps is not a fitting word.
Stilettoes, although long and sleek are usually strong and, as you pointed out,
have broken your delicate flesh.

So Reverend, maybe you can prove that you are in fact a cunning linguist
and come up with something better.

Offline drab

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Re: No thanks (Adult/Rude)
« Reply #10 on: February 24, 2010, 03:15:48 PM »
Thanks Bobby, glad you liked it.
What do you think DIZI?



"No thanks"
I said
when she
offered seconds,
the price was
too high.
"I'll rub
your rhubarb
if you lick
the beast"
she said,
stilettos
probed
the contours
of my spine
mixing sweat
with blood
as her heels,
delicately tapered
slipped
from one vertebra
to the next.

"Momma needs
more lovin"

An empty Choo box
and the end
of a strap
barely visible,
draped over
an open trash can
as if
attempting to escape,
told me
what Momma really wanted,
what I couldn't afford.

Much as I like
munching
the hairy beast
and relish
the afterdrool,
a poet's lot
is poverty,
only the clever ones
make the money
and unfortunately
although I'm smart,
I'm no
cunning linguist.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline DIZI

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Re: No thanks (Adult/Rude)
« Reply #11 on: February 24, 2010, 03:22:18 PM »
Yes, I think you got round it very well.
      Without changing the word,
           how cunning is that!

Offline drab

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Re: No thanks (Adult/Rude)
« Reply #12 on: February 24, 2010, 04:02:37 PM »
Cheers D.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.