Author Topic: c  (Read 1066 times)

Offline Twentington

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« on: February 17, 2010, 02:43:59 PM »
« Last Edit: June 12, 2014, 06:24:21 PM by Twentington »
You can tune a piano.
But you can not tune a fish.

Offline Kinatelle

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Re: Chapter One - and a bit
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2010, 05:00:36 PM »
Well, it needs work.

To be honest,the first part just sounded like a rant against Disney that contained WAY too many adjectives/adverbs. And the last few lines really didn't make much sense to me.

The second part, apart from needing formatting, has an entire massive paragraph repeated at the bottom. I didn't finish reading and I noticed that. Unless you did that on purpose (and I see no reason for you to have knowlingly done that) how could you not have noticed?

As for the story, the one glaring question in my mind is "What?" It doesn't leave me wanting more.

Offline Lesleykay

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Re: Chapter One - and a bit
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2010, 05:17:54 PM »
I quite liked your opening lines but I agree there are far too many adjectives.  I found myself skipping bits.

Offline Attolia

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Re: Chapter One - and a bit
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2010, 12:51:35 AM »
I agree a lot with what Kinatelle said. For the first paragraph: I always get annoyed when authors/narrators try to tell me what to think about life or the real world, unless it's done so cleverly that I pretty much have to defer to their superiority - the number of authors that can do this being very low. Like authors of the classics. I think it'd be better if you just jump into the action; I don't know if you really need the prologue. I'm really not that intrigued or drawn in by the narration in the prologue - I'd much prefer to just start reading action. That said, though, I wasn't that intrigued by the action in the last part either. I got kind of bored, especially reading both your first and last paragraphs. The first because of what I previously mentioned, and the last because it was just so long. Even after you delete the repeated part, I think you should break it up into multiple paragraphs - it'll be much easier to read.

Despite all this, it's not bad; there were many sentences that proved you have some skill writing. It's just that, as a whole, I'd have to agree with the other reviewer and say I'm not drawn in enough to want to read more.

Offline darrellj

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  • My dream is to write like pollock painted.
Re: Chapter One - and a bit
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2010, 05:47:38 PM »
Hi you obviously have writing skill and creative ideas
This peice was very ranty and over cooked ,
You should save this level of detail and description for the meaty parts and don't over cook your veg ;D
I found myself skipping parts trying to get to an interesting bit that would hook me in but it just left me confused it was hard work to read
But keep it coming you obviously have natural talent ;)
pretend your talking to someone educated in the Penal system,
In fact don't pretend.

Offline janmarie

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Re: Chapter One - and a bit
« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2010, 11:39:25 PM »
When I first started reading, I thought you were just giving a description about what you were going to be writing about. I was very lost and confused and skipped to the end which seemed to be a reapeat of what you had written previously.  I would go through it and read it outloud to yourself and start rewriting it.  You obvisiously are a skilled writer with great ideas. 
Take chances you never know where they will lead...........