Author Topic: Rewrite of my "Speedy" story. SOME SWEARING - Sorry!  (Read 2951 times)

MrsButler

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Rewrite of my "Speedy" story. SOME SWEARING - Sorry!
« on: February 19, 2010, 06:06:59 PM »
 C H A P T E R   O N E
Speedy
   
Speedy was a skinny, ginger kid with a face full of freckles. Even as he sat in his kitchen, eating cereal, he couldn't keep still. Spindly, grazed legs swinging out in front of him as he shovelled down fruit loops, milk spilling down his chin. Hand to mouth in a continuous fashion, metal spoon banging against goofy teeth.

An old, battered refridgerator buzzed in the corner, a leaky tap dripped, tap,tap. His mam shrieked, he cringed and glanced in her direction wondering what was the matter now?

Dressed in dirty pyjamas, a spliff protruding from cracked lips, she lay on a setee of crumpled women's magazines watching an old black and white film. The pay for view television had run out, she threw a cushion at the blank screen and screamed with frustration. A solitary Birthday card with thirteen printed on the front fell to the floor.
   
“Speedy, have you got a pound to get the telly back on?”  She ran tobacco stained fingers through her dull hair.  
   
“No, ma. I haven’t got any money. I never have any money because you spend it all on that,” he pointed at her spliff.    
   
“Hey, shut your gob you little shit or I’ll tan the arse of yer, you not too old for a good hiding lad, do you hear me?”
  
Speedy was already out the back door, lstriding up the back entry past a graffiti plastered wall.

***
   
The stone felt cold and slimy in his hand, he ran the sharp edges over his fingers, the pain exciting him, causing him to be aroused. With a flick of his wrist he lobbed it through the air into the duck pond. A soft thud echoing into the air as it bounced off a drake’s head. Speedy punched his fist in the air, “What a shot!” He picked up another stone, baggy pants sagging round his bony arse.
   
“Hey put that down now.”
   
“For fucks sake,” said Speedy.

“Less of the language son, that’s no way to talk to your elders. Didn’t your mum teach you any manners?”

Speedy glanced at the cocky watchman, eyes narrowing, looking him up and down like he was the filth. “Nice jacket, Wilbur, where did you get it from, Oxfam?”  
 
“Very funny, son. Now run along now and don’t let me catch you throwing stones at the ducks again.”

Speedy skulked off to his tree swing,  Stanley Park was full of nooks and crannies and the cocky watchman couldn’t be everywhere. Through the trees and bushes he pushed on, fighting through branches, kicking the nettles. The tree swing was flanked by two banks, a dip in the middle full of soft mud, it made a soft landing if you fell on your arse .A girl in a frilly skirt sat on the swing, he smiled at her and approached slowly, picking up a dandelion and giving it to her.

“I’m not a wee the bed,” she said.  

“Never said you were girl,” he said and then began to spin her around for a few minutes, gradually winning her trust. She looked to be around seven years old, missing baby teeth. Wispy blonde hair tickled his nose as he spun her around, she smelled of apples. The swing spun and spun, her giggles ringing in his ears.

 “I’m dizzy, stop, stop please.”

 The swing came to a stop. He stared into her eyes, curious of her innocence, then drew his hand and made a fist. A crunching noise as his hand connected with her jaw, the fear in her eyes. He watched her in slow motion, smooth, white legs flying up from her frilly skirt, falling to the ground.  

“I want me mam, I want me mam,” he mimicked her. Picking up a stick he walked towards her with slavering lips.

***
   

Speedy staked out the cocky watchman’s shed, eyes wide like saucers as he noticed the bicycle propped up outside.  Old Wilbur was a trusting soul, what a wanker he thought. He tiptoed to the bike, knelt down on the ground beside it, tongue popping out from the corner of his mouth as he let down the tyre’s. Cursing as splinters pierced his hand as he leant on the wall to stand up.

The shed door creaked as it opened. Speedy scrambled on the ground, crawling to the side of the shed like a soldier in combat, letting his back fall to the wall. He heard voices. Two of them. He pictured them. A middle aged, pot bellied man, thick black rimmed glasses, floppy blonde hair, idiot expression. And the girl, blonde wispy hair, frilly skirt, thick split lip. He looked down at his hand, knuckles red and swollen,land fought the desire to peek at them.

“I’ll walk you home now dear. Let me get my coat. Here, take my hanky and press it to your lip.”  He disappeared inside the shed.

Speedy spied on her from his spot on the floor; he felt no pity for her. She was sobbing into a starched hanky, her thin body shaking and trembling. The cocky watchman returned, put a hand on her shoulder and held  her little hand.
« Last Edit: March 28, 2010, 09:19:30 AM by MrsButler »

Offline Suemcb

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Re: Idea for a story - critiques please !
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2010, 10:48:22 PM »
Hi I really enjoyed your writing, the pace moves really well at the beginning and I really like the building tension in the story. One small thing, I got a little lost between the last two parts. You read of Speedy picking up the stick and going toward her and then you are at the watchman's shed and the girl has a thick split lip but nothing else. Not that I like things to be gruesome but I felt that there would have been more damage to see. To me, as a reader, they don't quite match.
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MrsButler

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Re: Idea for a story - critiques please !
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2010, 03:44:54 AM »
Thanks Soots,
Will have to match them up then won't I ?
  ;)
Thanks for taking time to comment
Best wishes
Mrs B

Aunt Mabel

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Re: Idea for a story - critiques please !
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2010, 07:34:33 AM »
Hi  there - I agree with what Soots says.  There are quite a lot of punctuation errors which need to be sorted (but I assume you will pick those up for yourself when you re-read). I didn't like the metal spoon clanging, nor the shrill cry, nor the earrings jangling, or th girl's giggle ringing in his ears. Unless of course he is going to turn out to have some kind of defect which makes him super-sensitive to noises. She wasn't half way through watching a film - she was watching a film. I also think you could leave out the word bike's immediately before the word tyres, since I think it is obviously those tyres he is letting down.

There are quite a few bits like that which I find jarring and so the whole thing needs work (IMO). However, (sigh) I like it and would read on to find out more.

Hope you don't think I am being brutal - it is all intended as constructive criticism.

Offline kk

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Re: Idea for a story - critiques please !
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2010, 08:03:34 AM »
Hi MrsB,

I liked this piece very much. I think you've nailed this Speedy character and I'm curious to know so much
more about him. While I agree there are some grammatical issues to fix, for the most part the flow works
well for me. I didn't get caught up anywhere, and I will respectfully disagree with comments about needing
more after Speedy picks up the stick. 

When I read the line
Quote
she was much more fun than the ducks.
I had no question about Speedy's intentions to brutalize the girl. My feeling is that if you go and
get too explicit on us it dumbs it down for me, the reader. Between him throwing rocks at the ducks and
then the above mentioned comment it's clear enough. I tend to be turned off by too much explicit detail
where it's not needed.

I want to know more. The ever hopeful side of me wants Speedy to overcome his crappy life and make
something of himself. Not sure that will happen here, but I would keep reading to find out.


kk
“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.”

                                                                            ~ Edith Lovejoy Pierce

MrsButler

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Re: Idea for a story - critiques please !
« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2010, 08:14:17 AM »
Thanks  soots, auntie mabel and KK    ;)

All criticism is welcome, good and bad.

I  wrote this late last night without reading back... so i'll sort mistakes.

The fact that my story has raised questions for some of you inspires me to write more.

Cheers

Mrs B :-*

Offline alienauthor

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Re: Idea for a story - critiques please !
« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2010, 09:54:50 PM »
Speedy f*&%ing rules as far as a character!  If you don't want to know more about him, you aren't paying attention. (IMO)

Clean it up a bit, as you said you would, and I think it will make a truly interesting read.

Oh, and you might want to warn us in the subject line about language,  some people get offended by it.

Keep up the good work and best of luck! 8)

Mark
Love an Adventure! Live an adventure!  Then write the damned thing!

MrsButler

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Re: Idea for a story - critiques please !
« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2010, 07:03:30 AM »
Thanks Mark,

For comments and advise . And will put swearing warning on. Oops!!!

I'm glad you like the character "Speedy," he is a central figure in the story I want to write and will end up a goody ... the baddy will be "Wilbur"- the cocky watchman (who i will set up in story to be mild mannered and  kind etc) but will be in fact a psychopathic killer.

Alison Butler :)
« Last Edit: February 21, 2010, 07:39:42 AM by MrsButler »

Offline kk

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Re: Idea for a story - critiques please ! SOME SWEARING - Sorry!
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2010, 07:51:55 AM »
Ahhh MrsB.

Quote
I'm glad you like the character "Speedy," he is a central figure in the story I want to write and will end up a goody ... the baddy will be "Wilbur"- the cocky watchman (who i will set up in story to be mild mannered and  kind etc) but will be in fact a psychopathic killer.

I wish you hadn't told us all that. Now we won't have to read it  :P


kk
“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.”

                                                                            ~ Edith Lovejoy Pierce

MrsButler

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Re: Idea for a story - critiques please ! SOME SWEARING - Sorry!
« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2010, 10:00:22 AM »
Sorry KK, it's at a grass roots level... just ideas. Haha ;D

Mrs B   ;)