Author Topic: Please critique scene in my screenplay "Pearls of Destruction."  (Read 2835 times)

jwatson300011

  • Guest
Please critique scene in my screenplay "Pearls of Destruction."
« on: February 25, 2010, 10:44:41 PM »
A story about ex drug offenders converted into pearl skinned, human chattel by corrupt city officials. The characters here are Camille, a kidnapped drug addict, now coming to in a strange room in a mansion, Jess and Abbey, two female pearls, Silas, a male pearl. Don is the corrupt city official and kidnapper.

INT: lavish bedroom - later

Camille is coming to in a king size bed. She looks around confused and startled. She hears voices and CLASSICAL MUSIC from another room. As she tries to stand she realizes she'd been sexually assaulted. She's angry. She looks down at the long, thick chain fastened to her leg. She begins walking to the door, seeing it's long enough to reach it. She opens the door and sees a group of seven Pearls. They're lounging in the living room, smoking and drinking. Camille shuts the door and leans against it, more confused now than ever.

CAMILLE
(under her breath)
This is sick. (tearful voice) Arthur. Why?

In a trance, she returns to the bed to sit down. Camille looks around at the room, awestruck. The door opens and two, tall female Pearls ABBEY and JESS come filing in.

JESS
Get away from those stuffy folks.

ABBEY
Thank you.

Startled, they look over at Camille as she stares. The women talk to each other like Camille is a piece of furniture.

ABBEY
She's awake.

JESS
Look at how she stares.

ABBEY
She'll get used to it.

JESS
I wonder how much she heard.

ABBEY
Should we tell Don she's awake?

JESS
No. Let the poor girl rest up. He gets another look at that body and Lord, have mercy.

Camille looks away, fuming.

CAMILLE
Don. So that's the mother fucker who raped me?

Stunned, Abbey and Jess converge on her, delightedly.

ABBEY
We have a taste of The Hood in here?

CAMILLE
Why am I chained here?

She stares at their smiling faces.

CAMILLE (CONTD)
Pearls, right?

ABBEY
In the flesh.

Camille bows her head and grabs her hair.

CAMILLE
(tearfully)
The second time in my freaking life somebody raped me.

Camille looks first at Jess's arm and sees needle marks. She looks at Abbey's and sees the same. She studies the faces of the women.

CAMILLE
So you guys have had a taste of the streets, too.

JESS
A while back.

CAMILLE
So is this Don anywhere around? Will he be back for me?

ABBEY
Depends on how busy he is, dear.

Don arrives and stands at the door frame.

DON
Ah, Camille, you've met my favorite Pearls.

Camille looks at Don as she narrows her eyes.

CAMILLE
Are you Don?

DON
In the flesh.

Camille jumps to her feet, furiously.

CAMILLE
Than you better kill me, now, you rapist son of a bitch!

Don just stares at Camille, hard, emotionless.

ABBEY
She's hysterical. She'll learn how to act.

CAMILLE
You ornaments can't teach me a damn thing.

Jess gets in Camille's face.

JESS
We will teach you plenty, Camille. You will learn, plenty.

Camille looks at Jess, startled by her sudden sternness. Sadly, Camille looks at the floor.

CAMILLE
I was drinking with my brother-in-law. He drugged me.

Outside the bedroom, they hear LAUGHING and SHOUTING. They hear an angry sounding Silas.

SILAS(o.s.)
You're lying! You just refuse to behave!

There's the distant sound of a painful GRUNT.

Don unlocks the chain around Camille's leg. He picks up the leather neck brace with a chain attached and puts it on her. He hand cuffs her behind her back, then, using the chain, he pulls Camille to the door.

DON
There are also guards at every door.

Insert: They walk through the crowd of Pearls in the middle of the living room, looking towards the lobby.

Outside the bedroom, they hear LAUGHING and SHOUTING. They hear an angry sounding Silas.

SILAS(o.s.)
You're lying! You just refuse to behave!

There's the distant sound of a painful GRUNT.

Don unlocks the chain around Camille's leg. He picks up the leather neck brace with a chain attached and puts it on her. He hand cuffs her behind her back, then, using the chain, he pulls Camille to the door.

DON
There are also guards at every door.

Insert: They walk through the crowd of Pearls in the middle of the living room, looking towards the lobby.

Offline Xerika

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1596
    • Rob Johnson - writing, podcasting and reluctantly olive farming
Re: Please critique scene in my screenplay "Pearls of Destruction."
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2010, 09:04:23 PM »
Why, oh why is it that it's always the bloody scriptwriters who dive straight in and post their work without bothering to read the sticky things (guidelines on MWC protocol) and expect a critique?

Sorry to single you out, jwatson, but you'd be amazed how often this happens on the script review board. Someone does a critique, and we never hear back from the original poster again.

So come on, jwatson, don't give all of us dialoguemongers a bad name. If the bloody poets can do it...  ;D

Here's a tip. Introduce yourself on the Welcome Board first and tell us a bit about yourself first. Ideally, do one or two citiques of other people's work as well before you hit us with your stuff.
http://rob-johnson.org.uk/ - writing, podcasting and reluctant olive farming

"I'd Rather Eat My Own Face" podcast. The truth about olive harvesting. http://wp.me/p2bC2C-8U

"If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it." - Elmore Leonard

Offline fidinoir

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 8
Re: Please critique scene in my screenplay "Pearls of Destruction."
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2010, 03:24:06 PM »
Hi Jwatson

I found the dialogue very good - fast moving, brief sentences, frank, energetic - as one would expect for such a dire and nasty situation.

The only problem is my lack of background for the setting and topic.  Not sure if "pearl skinned" is a ref to actual, physical skin (something that happens to skin of addicts?)  or is just a slang term for certain folk.  I'd like to know. I'm in the US, over 55 and that may be the source of my ignorance.

Keep writing!

Fidinoir

Offline 9beautytips

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • www.9beautytips
good
« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2010, 08:15:08 AM »
very good.
thank! ;)
<a href="http://9beautytips.com">Makeup Tips</a> | <a href="http://9beautytips.com">Hairstyle</a> | <a href="http://9beautytips.com">Weight Loss</a>