Author Topic: DENIAL  (Read 1831 times)

Offline mickward

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DENIAL
« on: June 07, 2006, 10:55:43 AM »


This is not me,
I do not lie here in pain and fear
I am not disabled, I’m in full health
My left side has not been destroyed

Tomorrow I will awake to find,
The wet pillow of a bad dream
The horrors of the last few hours,
Will fade away as fast as they came

I will wonder at the reasons behind,
Such a nightmare vision of helplessness
And the uniformed staff who tend me,
Will vanish into the void from whence they sprung.




Offline randomElf

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Re: DENIAL
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2006, 08:22:55 PM »
Hi Mick,

Well for me, this is some of your best work. It emotes feeling and transforms experience, which I think plays a very important role in poetry. Unlike some of your other poems, I can imagine being the 'voice' in this bed/nightmare/waking dream. But as i mentioned in earlier posts, I'm not a big fan of very rhymy poems, luckily the general commercial/magazine market is, so both are good avenues to explore.
And both are fun to write, ey?

Just a quickie on punctuation.

Read this out loud in context of your poem, and do the same with yours to see which you prefer:

Tomorrow I will awake to find
The wet pillow of a bad dream,
The horrors of the last few hours
will fade away as fast as they came

I think perhaps you were trying to form a pattern in the first line of each stanza, but to my ear it seems more to jolt, rather than flow. So if you prefer this one (and that's up to you of course) you might want to look at doing something similiar in the 3rd and final stanza.

I will wonder at the reasons behind
Such a nightmare vision of helplessness,
And the uniformed staff who tend me
will vanish into the void from whence they sprung.

Hope you find something here useful.  Keep writin'.


Offline mickward

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Re: DENIAL
« Reply #2 on: June 08, 2006, 04:29:35 AM »
Thank You randomelf,

  i agree with your comment on punctuation, thanks for the tip. Maybe i should have pointed out that thuis poem is quite old now i wrote it in 1997 after i suffered a secere stroke at the age of 39. i can see that it loses meaning if the reader doesn't know the background to the poem. it was written after losing the use of my dominant hand and during a particularly difficult time in my life. Coming close to death can really sharpen a man's perspective on life huh?

  Thanks again.
mick Ward