Author Topic: Poetry Challenge #34 — Something Old, Something New  (Read 12952 times)

Offline pb

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Re: STICKY: Poetry Challenge #34 — Something Old, Something New
« Reply #75 on: January 31, 2010, 04:13:00 PM »
they've never been to Middlesborough

Offline eric

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Re: STICKY: Poetry Challenge #34 — Something Old, Something New
« Reply #76 on: January 31, 2010, 04:15:00 PM »
a dark place, hem?  where is Mark from, anyway?

Offline eric

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Re: STICKY: Poetry Challenge #34 — Something Old, Something New
« Reply #77 on: January 31, 2010, 04:18:57 PM »
what is that eric talking about?  can't he ever keep on subject?  i mean a little focus here!

twisted wheel

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Re: STICKY: Poetry Challenge #34 — Something Old, Something New
« Reply #78 on: January 31, 2010, 05:14:11 PM »
a dark place, hem?  where is Mark from, anyway?

boff

Offline Mark H

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Re: STICKY: Poetry Challenge #34 — Something Old, Something New
« Reply #79 on: January 31, 2010, 05:25:44 PM »
Boff-Upon-Piddle

The typically bucolic market town of Boff-Upon-Piddle, nestles against the western bank of the river Piddle in the English Flake District. The Piddle itself — little more than a gushing golden stream in places — meanders through the sumptuous valley of Cleeve-Edge and is overlooked from the northeast by the towering brown peak — known to local 'Boffers' — as Fissure Tor.

History

People have lived and worked in and around the Piddle since the Iron Age. In 1976 archaeologists uncovered a number of ancient dunny pits on the outskirts of what is now Boff town centre. Pieces of dunny crust were carbon dated and results suggest they are the outpourings of a band of itinerant skrunt smelters; most likely Gauls. Cave paintings depicting rampant snail gluttony, dating from the same period as the dunny skrunt, are widespread in the region and help reinforce the Gauling theory.

The first documentation reporting a permanent settlement named Boff can be found in the diary of Friar Rolf (later Abbot of Clapmington), who in 1015 recorded details of the Viking invasion sweeping down from the North.

The monk noted how the vile pillager, Desmond the Dreadful, stormed into Boff with his band of reindeer riding thugs and raised the serene village to the ground. He slaughtered and ate the children of the village, buried the women alive in a nearby swamp* and buggered the men (mostly idle peasants) to death. One village man survived the anal onslaught and in recognition of his feet sic Desmond the Dreadful made the man his queen (queen Julian Smorgasbord the II.)

Boffers have paid a harsh price for their Viking antecedents: they are some of the horniest men in England today and many are unable to pass a tethered reindeer without acquiring a slight, yet prominent, limp.

And thus to the present day (nothing much happened in the interim).

Places of interest

One might reasonably expect the Boff church to be named St Rolfs in recognition of the scribbling abbot: but this is not in fact the case. The cleric lost the support of Rome when in 1021 he established 'The Guild of Latter Day Onanists'. Nevertheless, Boff church — St Joan of the Immaculate Conflagration — is as popular today as it was in the days of goat sacrifice and witch burning (mainly due to the fact that in this quaint backwater both practices maintain their traditional popularity.)

St Joan's is famous for its double-glazing and also its gigantic bell; affectionately referred to by the parishioners, as Big Dong. The bell was cast in Boff itself and gave its name to the locality of 'Bell End'. And it is in Bell End that visitors will find Boff's second most impressive building: the modernist town hall.

This concrete and glass seat of local government was designed by the infamous Scots architect, Charles Peptobismol-Raincoat, and perfectly demonstrates the triumph of concrete over style. It was once described by Prince Dumbo as a 'Hideous Carphone Warehouse'. Yet, with its anachronistic ducking stool, gallows and stocks (all still in regular use) it has a certain old-world charm that in many ways is as fine as the high street shopes and ale houses.

Eating out in Boff

Internationally renowned eateries including Mad Donald's and Bugger King, grace the cobblestone high street. But for those preferring more traditional fare, the café in the bus station sells Ginsters' pies and giant mugs of stewed tea. There is of course a Subway — but this is in fact just a tunnel under the high street that smells strongly of urine.

And so we must end this short but rancid description of the Boffers and their Piddle. Of course much much more could be written about this fascinating town and its dubious inhabitants, but to be frank, the writer (and most likely the reader also) has better things to do.

* Historians believe that this may have been how the adjacent village of Gloopy-Hag got its name.
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Offline eric

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Re: STICKY: Poetry Challenge #34 — Something Old, Something New
« Reply #80 on: January 31, 2010, 07:04:56 PM »
Subbing for Poetry Comp #34 is now closed.  9 delightful entries.  Voting will commence tomorrow or as soon as the Comp Committee can get its act together.


Offline eric

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Re: STICKY: Poetry Challenge #34 — Something Old, Something New
« Reply #81 on: February 01, 2010, 02:36:12 PM »
Mods please unsticky this now.