Author Topic: a haiku - help!  (Read 732 times)

Offline PretzelGirl

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a haiku - help!
« on: January 24, 2010, 12:01:00 AM »
alright, I have an idea that I want to build a poem around. I was having real issues actually forming the poem, so I decided to just write a metaphor for the idea using a single image and work from there. Of course, it turned out a bit cliche, but then on a second read I realised I'd written it as a haiku.

So, here is what I wrote to get me started, I'd appreciate anything that could lead me to write it as a decent poem.

It won't get anywhere if no one gets the 'concept' or 'idea', or 'feeling' I have in mind. If you could tell me what you get from it (probably nothing) it would be great.





petals bruised beneath
a boot whose steel-caps imprint
memories and thoughts.
Smoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas!
- A. J. Rimmer, Red Dwarf

Offline Mark H

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Re: a haiku - help!
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2010, 05:06:55 AM »
Yes nothing.

Having been told that's it's a metaphor I can of course come up with some possibilities. Most likely being oppression of women (petals) by men (boots).

There are some anomalies in the writing IMO.

1) Bruised and beneath don't fit. Crushed and beneath are a pair. Bruised implies that the pressure was removed some time ago giving the bruise time to form.

2) steel-caps suggests toe caps in workers boots. These are on the top of the boot and won't make much of an imprint.

3) memories AND thoughts. Too similar a concept for such a short poem.

Mark
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Offline PretzelGirl

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Re: a haiku - help!
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2010, 05:58:33 AM »
Yep, you're right. It only SOUNDS like a poem, right? I wasn't aiming for the opression of women, but how vulnerable someone makes the persona feel because of great strength ( not physical necessarily), and taking up many thoughts and memories. I'd like to stick to this feeling but am stumped for how to present it.
Smoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas!
- A. J. Rimmer, Red Dwarf

Offline Mark H

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Re: a haiku - help!
« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2010, 06:13:07 AM »
I'm not sure the feeling is universal. Some people may never feel vulnerable, or if they do it is because of circumstances (such as illness) rather than the strength of others.

I think the best way to show ideas like this is thought a scene -- an incident perhaps.

Mark
Buy Bristle Side Down, The Man Who Wore Brown Shoes and Middleclass Machismo here:
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If poetry is not your thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PueM04F0Qz8 or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Zm8cj9MGg