Author Topic: Karma In Philadelphia, PA  (Read 1934 times)

Offline actpoet1

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Karma In Philadelphia, PA
« on: June 06, 2006, 12:33:06 AM »
A bullet meant for him rips by and pierces
an incident bystanderís right eye. The man

crumbles to the pavement like a limp towel. An older woman
kneels beside the man, mumbles
a prayer he sprints

home: his wife lies like a question mark
on the sidewalk. As he pulls her over, her stomach
parts like eye lids.

It was a boy.

SAY8
Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm

Offline Bryn

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Re: Karma In Philadelphia, PA
« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2006, 08:59:33 AM »
Hello sir or madam. Sir, i would guess, but i don't know why.

the shock conclusion of the poem is powerful and the eye-lids metaphor too. But there is so much ambiguity concerning gender and action within the earlier stanzas that it i feel the full impact is lost. I presumed that this ambiguity was dleiberate and certainly there is merit in it, for the confusion and rapidly moving images it creates, but sometimes it better just to write more rather than cram a lot into a small space. I feel that the irony and horror would be greatly enhanced if the tangled web of relationships was more clearly defined. I could be wrong but some of the punctuation seems misplaced that could aid the meaning (esp. 5th line)

Your language is very clinical, very detached which makes the poem more compelling in a way, but it means you rely on the reader much more; this is not a problem but when the reader has to do more work, there has to be a bigger pay-off for them. I think juxtaposing the series of frantic and violent imagery with even the most fleeting traces of normality (particularly towards the end, as if the poem were slowing down) would lend greater weight to the final line.

Very dynamic though, hope this has helped, Bryn.

Offline actpoet1

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Re: Karma In Philadelphia, PA
« Reply #2 on: June 08, 2006, 01:56:33 PM »
Bryn:

To be honest, I wrote that off the top of my head. When I was checking people's comments on my work, it just came to me. That is why is sloppy -- but there's something there. That said, I do appreciate your comments, they are informative.

Where is your poetry?
Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm

Offline actpoet1

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Re: Karma In Philadelphia, PA
« Reply #3 on: June 08, 2006, 07:53:34 PM »
Bryn:

I wasn't saying that you said that -- not at all. I AM SAYING that because I didn't give it the needed attention before I unleash it upon the world. It raced out of me and I had to put it down...

Believe me, I hate self-deprecating artists too. With that said, to make it clear to all, I was not taking a shot at my poem, instead I was taking a shot at myself for unleashing it too early.

Okay, well I do enjoy your comments. Please continue to write -- and comment.

Whew!
Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm