monologue assignment

[Sheree]

Heyas, I'd appreciate any comments, or feedback on this assignment which is due in first draft on Monday, January 23. There are not many stage directions,as the instructor favors minimizing this. I will probably add in props and setting, so no need to comment on these things. I guess I would really like to know a) is it funny? b) does it flow? c) any confusing areas and d) anything I missed? Also I think it is longer than the 500 word post limit. I hope that is ok, because it really needs to be read in its entirety. Thanks 
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Wysteria's Psychic Love Emporium

(On phone:) Hold on one moment please, I have a customer.

(To customer:)Good afternoon. Please have a seat.

(On phone:)No, I am sorry, there is no Bambi here. You have the wrong number. (Puts down phone.)

(To customer:) Do you have an appointment? Ah yes... Ms. Frost at two pm. This way please. Now which package were you interested in? Our basic tea leaves forecast at $21.95, our reconciliation séance at $33.95, or the deluxe package which includes the crystal ball readings and palm mapping for $57.98. Ah the deluxe package it is then. Now, there are no guarantees that I will be able to read your aura correctly, especially when Sagittarius and Taurus are having such misaligned orbits. So I just need you to sign a waiver here, that shows that I have explained our no return policies. Oh I am sorry, would you excuse me while I answer the phone?

(To phone:) Psychic Love Emporium, Wysteria speaking. No, this is not Bambi's Hothouse and you may not squeeze my tomatoes! (Slams phone) Well I never!

(To customer:) Well, now where were we? Oh yes... now, come and have a seat by my crystal ball and let's see what the stars have in store for you. Your charts say that you are Pisces, correct? Ah good, now let me just relax and place myself in tune with your auras. Ah good, yes, there they are, mauves and pinks. Wonderful. Now let me just turn on the orb. There. Now what I would like you to do is focus all your energies into the ball... right there at the center, where you see that little red heart. Good. Ah yes... it is becoming clear. I see a man in his mid-forti... thirti... twenties? Are you sure you would like someone so much younger? Well, of course not that much younger, but... ah well I must make you aware then that we do charge an extra 20 dollars for younger men, and if you had the chance to read our clause under section 5 about the risks involved... Alright.. twenties it is. Let me just make a few adjustments here. Ok now, let's see what we can find. Ah yes... I see a man... he has glasses and a moustache... no moustache... a goatee.. no beard, just stubble? Yes? Good ok, then yes, there he is. He is five foot nine... no six foot... two? Ah hmm it is becoming a little foggy again... hold on a moment. Ok... there he is in New York ... Jersey... Los Angel... ah, within a 100 kilometre range? Are you sure? It greatly limits our readings you know. Ok, we can try. Ah here.. how about Seattle? Good? Ok, yes I see a blonde man, average... er lean muscles who is a poet and enjoys shopping... ah... wait a minute... sorry, I forgot to switch this to female seeking male. Hold on one second. Ah there, now we have the right setting. Oh, let me get that phone.

(To phone:) Psychic Love Empor... Look you! You really need to stop all this heavy breathing! I'll call the police! (slams phone)

(To customer:) What is this world coming to! I'm sorry. Let me just regain my inner sanctuary. There now. Ah good. I see him now. And he lives right here in Abbotsford. A plummer. Ah yes I know, but he is very hygienic I assure you. Oh and he moonlights as a dance instructor... the tango! Yes, he's very sensual.. Cuban... Ah this is very good! We are actually doing a promotion right now on our Latino men, so there is a $10 discount should you choose to meet him. You will? Great, just sign here. Will you be paying by cash or credit card? Credit card? Ok, let me just run that through for you. Oh that phone again! Excuse me.

(To phone in sultry voice:)  Mmmmm Baby. You've reached Bambi's Hothouse, our hours are from ten pm through two am Monday through Fridays, and nine pm throughfour-thirty am on the weekends. Can't wait to have fun? Try www.bimbo.com. I'll be waiting for you. (Hangs up phone.)

(To customer:)Great. So if you call this number, they will set up your meeting with Enrique. Oh and be sure and tell your friends about us. Next month we are having our chef special, two restaurateurs for the price of one! Oh it was my pleasure doing business with you. Thank you. Good bye.

[Symphony]

Hello Sheree,

I have every admiration for anyone who writes scripts. I was on a drama course a few years back and we had to write out an actual conversation that we'd heard - word for word - then read it back as a drama piece - which is when we all found out that it just doesn't work like that! I gave up - instantly!

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and only have three small comments, for what they're worth.

1 - I thought the characterisation of the crystal ball 'reader' was great - I had such clear visions in my head of how I'd play her. On reading her script, however, I found too many 'Ah yesses'. This is a little like what I was referring to above. Although she'd probably 'naturally' say them, they tend to 'take over' the writing and rather than add an informal, interesting element, they smother the real content. Does this make any sense? I could be talking through my hat here, but that's how I see it. The characterisation and 'spoken word' works just as well without them (or most of them ...)

Which brings me to my No. 2. Being a lover of the word 'just', I tend to litter my writing with 'just' and 'really'. They haunt me, those two words, so I'm always on the lookout for them. At the beginning of the monologue there seemed to be quite a lot of 'just'. Perhaps you could have a re-read - you may disagree. There is ONE sentence, though - which has 'just' and 'adjustment' together and this sounds awkward.

And 3. This is where my simple mind shows itself up. I have an idea of what you were doing in the change of tone on the phone at the end - but it's not ENTIRELY clear! Maybe you could include another hint so we know what your intention is here? (then again, this could be me being very dim!)

Anyway - hope this helps and good luck with your assignment. Is it for a course? Or for publishing? Part of your job?

Symphony

[Rebecca Anne]

Hi,
     Nice flow, pretty funny, but the change of attitude toward that last caller kind of jolted me a bit.  What if Wisteria gave the caller an adress and asked him to come in a sultry voice, put down the phone, then winked at her customer and said she'd just given the caller the adress for the police station or family planning clinic?  Or have I missed the point?
Rebecca Anne

[Lin]

This is a new area for me and one that I would love to play around with.    My mother is an actress on TV and one thing that struck me was the length of the lines your actor would have to remember!!  A long dialogue, is this normal to expect professional actors to remember this much - perhaps you could advise? 

Lin

[Sheree]

Thanks for the feedback everyone, exactly what I was looking for. This is for a uni course so I really need the feedback to help me polish it up. The final call is there to reveal that yes indeed she is also Bambi and reinforce the idea that her credibility is rather shaky (psychic matchmakers do have their reputations you know!!) I will work on making that a little more clear. Not too bad for a fly by the seat of your pants assignment though (written in two hours). Naughty me for bragging! 

Lin, this is a monologue, meant to be approximately five minutes or so in length. Some monologues can run up to half an hour or more, but I think those are for the verifiably insane. As far as memorizing lines go, it really depends on the parts. Learning techniques to help you break down each part into chunks and have recall cues will be a major help.   

[Mini]

I like your style of writing here. It is very humourous.
It is relaxed and therefore suits the piece.
Please be wary of being over zealous in your characature of the seer. I think it is just on the edge of this, but it on the right side so remains funny.

Mini