Author Topic: Once White  (Read 2949 times)

Offline actpoet1

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Once White
« on: June 04, 2006, 01:35:08 PM »
“More morphine,” muffled out my once white
now black mother’s mouth. The pits of her eyes and her lips even
with her face. Her skin, waves of wrinkles from

his iron.

I pressed the button.

A nurse, with a smile, entered with the brush. The wrinkles peeled back.
Intestines about to spill
over like angle hair spaghetti in a boiling pot. The nurse added
new gauzes. Each hooked inside skin now on simmer.
I turned. Shuffled to the waiting room to sleep.

His eyes concerned with CNN’s New York Stock Exchange quotes…

As a glacier of darkness suffocated the sky,
“More morphine!” my mother cried.
I pressed the button, sensing her skin bubbling like lava.
“More,” she whimpered as the nurse entered with the brush.
“She may die,” the nurse whispered to me.
“Please,” she begged with eyes like two empty wells.
I grabbed the button. Slid it into her hand.

Click…

SAY8
Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm

Offline lena

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Re: Once White
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2006, 03:33:22 PM »
wow!! So touching!! Although it was really hard for me to take. Powerful work!!

Offline Ve

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Re: Once White
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2006, 12:40:34 AM »
Even though its a tad testy to follow, its quit good. I really like the way you left the end, explanitory yet waiting for the sequel. I like it keep up the good work.

Ve

wizard7wolf

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Re: Once White
« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2006, 09:36:49 AM »
"Glacier of darkness"
Hmmm have I seen that before?   ;)

Offline Bryn

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Re: Once White
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2006, 07:17:53 PM »
I just can't decide if i like it, what a pickle to be in. You have some mixed metaphors in there, or at least ones that don't run so well, or maybe they're just not cliches, so good. I think your poetic voice jars a little bit; the very obvious 'he' 'i' etc. Although obviously character interplay and characterisation is crucial to the poem, I feel like the number of people breaks up a very fluid and compact series of moments into a boxes, each framed by something that is unecessary to the poem, example; 'A nurse...brush.' i actually like that snippet, sorry to be fickle, it has a peculiar rhythm that leaps out, almost as if its mocking the sincerity, as the nurse does. (sorry if that's a bit of a GCSE comment). But anyway, i think probably that i do like Once White, but if you do change it in any way, bear in mind that its a dangerous thing with poetry to rely too heavily on subject matter to persuade an audience to buy into it all.

Cheers for the poem, Bryn.
« Last Edit: June 07, 2006, 07:52:23 PM by Bryn »

Offline actpoet1

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Re: Once White
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2006, 11:07:34 PM »
Thanks for your reply. I will take what you wrote into consideration. Please, if you can, read my other poems up here and comment b/c your know what you're taking about.
Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm